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Billiards is neither pool nor Pocket pool, and a bastardization of language it is to call billiards pool.

Billiards in Prehistoric Times[edit]

The earliest archaeological evidence of billards dates back 10,000,000 to the Coltrane Era. These early billiard tables were nothing more than animal skins on which decapitated skulls were rolled into each other.

Eventually, with the arrival of semi-erect hominids, the table was given legs, the animal skin was replaced with slate, bumpers were added, balls replaced skulls, sticks were used to strike the balls, the playing surface was covered with felt, and billiards was born. Since that time, the game has changed little, except for the addition of balklines, and the replacement of balklines with the three-rail policy.

Billiards in Modern Times[edit]

Billiards has been placed on the List of Protected Species. Only your immediate contributions of money, time, and talent can save this truly precious member of our national heritage from becoming extinct.

Side-effects of Billiards[edit]

Billiards is an inherently risky game, and that is part of its appeal. The greatest champions of billiards have been elevated to the status of gods and venerated forever. However, great rewards only are possible with great risk, and the victims of the risk of billiards have mostly been forgotten (with a few notable exceptions). Please take a moment of reflect in silence on the forgotten lives of billiards victims.

  • Frodo the Four-Fingered----This Middle-Earth billiards champion was on the verge of a great career in billiards when his uncle, Bilbo Baggins, accidentally smashed Frodo's finger with a billards ball. Frodo's career was crushed and he went on welfare before becoming an embittered, lonely billiards commentator on ESPN.
  • Stevie Ray Vaughan----The world famous blues guitar player was struck down at the peak of his fame by a stray billiards ball.
  • Darryl Strawberry----Used cocaine to feed his billiards habit; kicked out of the MLB.
  • Robert F. Kennedy----The would-be President was struck down by an assassin who was a regular at RFK's billiards parlor. By all accounts, Kennedy was a lousy player, and he would never play anyone better than he. Some of the old-timers remember when RFK would come in, acting "like he was the President's brother or some shit," and "he would never play or nothin', man. He just stood there drinking scotch and getting chicks." In its official report on the incident, the FBI declared that Sirhan Sirhan (Kennedy's assassin) was motivated by "an intense hatred of Robert Kennedy, stemming from a conflict over billiards."
  • Many economists believe that billiards was resonsible for the Great Depression.
  • The War of Philip's Ear was caused by a dispute over billiards.
  • Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton in the most famous billiards match in American history.
  • Hillary Clinton suffered irreversible brain damage and estrogen loss after a traumatic game of billiards.

Pocket Billiards[edit]

A game of obscure origins practised across the world but only by men with time on their hands. Attempts to open up the game to female paticipation are invariably rebuffed and can result in criminal prosecution.


Billiards is dangerous, but inseparable from man's universal quest to subdue the elements of nature. As has been seen since prehistoric times, billiards is a vital part of man's continued existence.

Plus, you move the stick in a wanking motion! God! --Matt** user: Vetrecon1

See also[edit]