Billie Piper
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“She was the best partner I've had in Ages.”
~ The 9th Doctor on Billie Piper/Rose
Billie Paul Piper (born Leanne Someonepleasegetusapalltosmotherthisfreakwith Piper), was born on the 22nd of September 1482. She began her career as a teenager in 1683 as a pop singer, deafening everyone who heard her songs. By age 18, she was married to some random, but divorced him sometime last year. She is best known for boinking the Doctor in the TARDIS, causing the TARDIS to cannabilise itself, killing and eating both the Doctor and Billie Piper, before spitting Billie out, on account of her being too chav-like.
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[edit] Music
Rubbish.
Piper first got her break in the music industry by appearing in an overly 'cheerful' children's television program, before being scarred for life by the repressed homosexual overtones. She then landed a 'Smash Hits' advert, which consisted of Piper blowing a bubble with her own spit, before popping it and letting the remnants to form their own civilization on the studio floor. The miniature cities rampaged over the crew, killing them horribly and mercilessly, dragging their torment and torture out for hours before forcing them to watch the same 'Days of Our Lives' episode over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and stop, and over and over again until they were begging on their knees to stop. A few were allowed to live, but never recovered from their trauma. Piper was offered a recording contract at age 15, making her the youngest ever UK artist and also the first ever straight woman in the industry (or so we think). She had several hits including "Money to the Me", "Because We Can't Be Stuffed to Want To", "Someone Deep Inside" and "(My) Girlfriend". After taking a short break and ditching the stage name 'Billie', she returned with a new, sexier sound as a result of finally getting through puberty. Some of her new songs included (un)hits such as Talk About Life and a cover of the song 'The Tide Is High', her version entitled 'The Ride Is Mine', leaving listeners thinking she really does like the TARDIS. However, her songs became lousy and her older sounding voice turned off all the 40 year old perverted men that dug her young, cut-as-a-bug sound. Her failure was due to the fact that these men were her main audience. The criteria as mentioned covered most of the men in the UK.
In 1700 B.C., Billie was nominated for two 'Brit' awards, but was booed off stage by a mob of mixed groups: the pervs and the angry lesbians. Their outrage was due to her dating Ritchie Neville. Who is Ritchie Neville? I dunno, stop asking me things.
[edit] Film and Television
In 1999999999993 P.D.A., she took acting lessons in Los Angeles, with the dream that she would convince people she was a natural blonde. She quickly landed roles in some retelling of some story to do with Canterberries and another in 'Bella and the Boys'. No one knows much about either of these, as they aired on the BBC, but it's suspected that Billie was the only person desperate enough for the job. This is not true. It was a choice between her and Mr T. Guess who was picked. The critics thought she was a better actress than singer, which must really say something about her singing.
In 399999999999999999999999999999999999999999991 L.O.L., she starred in a movie with Orlando Bloom, something to do with calcium, and another one... something that made a lot of middle-aged women depressed. She was in a film with some Russian dude called 'Spirit Trap'. It was shithouse, 'nuff said.
In 49999948868839393848484 R.O.F.L., she starred as 'Hero', short for 'Heroin addict' in a modernized version of 'Much Ado About Nothing', original works by Shakespeare. I love that guy. Billie Piper has also done some other crap including 'The Ruby in the Smoke' where she portrayed a woman called Ruby who was constantly shrouded by smoke in order to hide signs of a drop bear attack. She also appeared in 'The Shadow of the North'. This is the only thing that a decent amount of people saw, due to the fact it wasn't on the BBC.
Some of her most recent work is the adaptation of 'The intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl' called 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl'. It mainly portrays Piper's childhood and features many sick, twisted, perverted scenes that I won't disclose here. Among these undisclosable-scenes include lesbian romps, half-naked Billie Piper and odd, equally perverted things done with clients. Like saddling one up and riding him like a horse. The show attracted upwards of 1.8 trillion gazillion viewers of just the first episode, making it one of the biggest ITV2 premiers eva! A twenty-third series has already been commissioned. Series 2-23 have been planned to be filmed next year with Billie doing an astounding 31 hour work day.
Billie (Is it alright if we call you Billie? Okay then)Billie-baby (You don't like Billie-baby? Well, how 'bout just baby? No? Snookems? Sweetie? fine, Billie then) made her theater entrance into theater with Christopher Hampton's play 'Treats'. It toured from Windsor to West End, making several stops in between, traveling across the boarder to Mexico and riding off into the sunset.
[edit] Doctor Who
Billie Piper portrayed the Doctor's companion, Rose Tyler, from 2005 to 2007 and again later in 2008. Her adventures usually featured her and the Doctor landing on a strange planet (Earth) that always had a ludicrously breathable atmosphere, being captured, getting saved by the Doctor after helping him (in some way) to save a bunch of people before traveling across the boarder to Mexico and riding off into the sunset. The Doctor established a romantic relationship with her when Captain Jack Harkness joined them and coerced them into participating in many unsafe threesomes. Even after the Doctor regenerated and Jack was made immortal but was unfortunately left behind on that satellite place, Rose continued bonking the Doctor. The on-screen affair was continued off-screen where Billie started sleeping with Christopher Ecclestone. After the Doctor regenerated, she carried on the affair with David Tennant. She was married to this DJ dude, who she divorced some time after both affairs had begun and were fully underway.
She got a whole bunch of awards and recognitions and stuff for her work... and sexual favours.
The BBC was thinking about a spin-off that continued Rose's adventures after leaving the Doctor, but it was thought it'd be too boring without the sex. They briefly considered making Rose masturbate a ludicrous amount of times per episode, but it was deemed ludicrous. It has been confirmed that Billie will return for seasons 42 to 666 and is expected that she will participate in more three-or-more-ways with whoever is with the Doctor at the time.
During the final three episodes of the fourth season of Doctor Who, she was criticized for inability to talk, as she had tried to recreate the TARDIS at home and instead merged her DNA with that of a beaver which resulted in oversized teeth and an inability to talk. Unlike Billie, her teeth, going under the name Fuzzy, from their lack of being brushed, blitzed the screen test and have been signed on to the next Resident Evil movie. Unfortunately they "blitzed" the screen test in the Nazi sense of the word, and the casting director was killed leading to the cancellation of the film's production.
[edit] Secret Diary of a Call Girl
After Doctor Who, Billie moved on to pornography about a London hooker known as Hannah Belle, the result was the BAFTA-winning series 'Secret Diary of a Call Girl'. Series 1 featured many classic adventures still practiced today by couples or groups. It turns out pretending to be a horse and a victim can be done after childhood. In Series 2 *Spoilers!* we reunite with Belle and her profession. This time smashes her nephew's hopes and dreams, gets written 'DON'T CUT ME' on her so called "breasts", gives a man oral and receives a bitch slap from his wife, has a threesome with sexy doe-girl called Bambi, has intercourse with a "special" person and falls in love with a certain Doctor. Billie Piper will return in Series 3 of Secret Diary. Hopefully with better sex scenes...
[edit] Personal Life
Piper was born someplace, Swindon Farm if you are wandering, and had parents of some sort. Many speculate her mother was a fish and her father was Troy McClure, who you may remember from films such as 'My Romantic Fantasies', 'I Hate the World' and 'Monkey-Fish-Banana, My Dream Lady'. Piper has 17 younger siblings of various race, breed and parentage. She had some education, but none of what she learned has ever presented itself, making her seem chav-like and stupid. Many suspect she actually is chav-like and stupid. She has been quoted making some sort of quote along the lines of "Weight doesn't matter as long as you're happy with yourself." This makes her a hippopotamus. Wait, that's not right... hypocrite! That's the one. It makes her a hypocrite as she suffered anorexia after some random called her fat. He was a jealous gay who was in love with her now ex-husband, Chris Evans. Chris Evans is a 40 year old perv who married her in Vegas when she was 18, the marriage caused controversy due to the sixteen year age gap. Doesn't matter now, though, so who gives a damn? She dated a law student, the son of the lawyer who helped with the divorce as his payment, but ended things with him in favor of marrying Laurence Fox, the son of a rich dude (Can you say gold digger?). She is still conducting an affair with David Tennant, they meet twice a week in the TARDIS, committing dirty and sinful acts and causing the time ship to try and rape anyone other than the two lovers. She is currently over six months pregnant thanks to unknown actor Laurence Fox and is actually part of the Doctor Who timeline!
[edit] Autobiography
Piper released a book. A book is like a movie but you read it and it takes ages and you have to turn pages. I prefer movies. The book is about her and tells of her messed up life. She has suffered anorexia twice, gone through a few relationship issues, spilled all the goss about an old school, licked a toad, turned lesbian seventeen times and sleep with seven of her nine brothers. Piper admits that her life was a mistake and apologises to the aboriginal communities of Australia. Why? I dunno, now you young whippersnappers get off my lawn!
It is a commonly known fact that Billie Piper's mouth is big enough to lose a submarine in... as well as, sadly, the ocean. This, she has stated, could be the answer to Global Warming.
[edit] List of People She Has Slept With
- Chris Evans
- Christopher Eccleston
- David Tennant
- Chuck Norris
- 4 Daleks (hence the red one...got friction burn)
- She tried it on with RTD, but he was preoccupied with drooling over David Tennant. Mmmmmm, Scotsman!
- Mr McMahon
- AAAAAAAAAAAAA
- Lita - who hasnt
- The Entire Doctor Who Crew for the filming of Turn Left
- Most of The Midlands
- Ashok (The man in Secret Diary)
- Tom Baker (See Secret Diary of a Call Girl Episode 1.1)
- Lex Steele
- Mario
- Doctor Alex *Spoilers*
- 388 Llamas from Peru
- Laurence Fox (her husband (shock) who got her pregnant)
- 23 of her brothers
