Bioshock

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This guy has nothing to do with Bioshock, but we non-Little Sister Uncyclopedia members put him here because we're crazy.

Bioshock is a multi-platform dysotopian audio game based around genetically altering your genes making things come out of your left arm and running around a beautifully designed underwater city (that was somehow built underwater and managed to keep the water pressure, oxygen, and electricity under control even after it all went to shit) and just being plain crazy.

“"This guy looks like he just had his cherry popped!"”

~ Horny Splicer on Bioshock

“You spin me right round, right round, when you go down, when you go down down!!”

~ Slut on using the Big Daddies as vibrators

Prologue

March 17, 1956


Yi Suchong: Because of the astounding success of System Shock 2 several years ago, Fontaine wants the Futuristics to design a third installment to the series. Just last night, I received a video-telegram that I'll be assigned by Fontaine to test the System Shock storyline for its durability under the harsh conditions of a threequal.”

~ Audio-Diary 1

March 31, 1956


Yi Suchong: Dire conclusion, that System Shock 3 would not meet Fontaine's critical and commercial expectations. When I tested the plotline of System Shock in the laboratory by stretching it by 200% its original length under a 500°F heat and 100x the normal atmospheric pressure, I've noticed microscopic cracks along the surface, indicating a formation of cheesy new characters. When it was stretched by 300%, these cracks then became noticeable, leading to a development of a shitty plotline. By the time the meter reached 500%, the System Shock universe snapped in half altogether.”

~ Audio-Diary 2

April 1, 1956
{{Q|Yi Suchong: Fontaine was real pissed when I broke the news this morning. He said that if I don't find a viable solution to System Shock's durability, I'm truly screwed. Big deal, such threats has happened before. There was this one time when Fontaine and I was trying to watch the worst movie ever on one of them large screens that somehow managed to stay preserved and work with movies that was created much after it's time (bleh, too much time shenanigans) and I accidently broke it when fire started to blast out of my hands like goddamn cannons. I guess I interrupted his favorite scene; when Edward was a sparkling disco ball. Which by the by, you should never tell anyone I said this, but me and my co-workers have doubts on Fontaine's sexuality. Wow, I got off topic.

April 1, 1956


Frank Fontaine: Screw the "it's unfeasable" and "impossible" shit! That goddamn chink better be buildin' that threequal or I'll be havin' his ass handed to him! Can't he see that I'm takin' Rapture from that bastard Walt Disney look-alike? Not that he can actually see with those slits of his, LOL! Anyway, I'll be needin' every single penny to fund the operations, and profits from System Shock 3'll be givin' me big WAMPUM!”

~ Audio-Diary 4

Then It Happened...

April 3, 1956


Yi Suchong: I am concocting a formula that can potentially make the plotline stronger, more pliable, and better able to resist corrosion. I mixed the following essential chemicals: polychlorinated biphenyl, plotomodiphenyl ether, resolutionomodiphenyl ether, and climaxomodiphenyl ether. Combined with a powerful chemical reactant, hexashittonbromocyclododecane, and a crucial hydrationcream, bombsandactionophosphate, there should be a chemical reaction that will yield a synthetic equivalent of good ideas, perfect for enhancing System Shock for the rigors of a third installment. Maybe I should stop talking to myself and just check on the results, I just left an extremely dangerous and complicated potion that could wipe out all of humanity as we know it to go take a shit in the bathroom. Well, let's hope nothing bad hap... WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPEN?!?!?! OH SHIT!! OH SHIT!! THAT FUCKING KYKE...”

~ Audio-Diary 5

April 3, 1956


Yi Suchong: OK, this is what happened just a couple minutes ago: One of the live specimens of sea slugs I've received from Tenenenbam- tene- tenabum- tenmbum- forget it- broke from its tank and slithered into the batch while I was recording this. The slug dispensed some of its fluids into the batch. The chemical batch then turned completely from transparent to a suspicious white liquid , and the smell coming up was even worse than Fontaine after him eating garlic bread. As soon as I thought that my entire day's work's ruined, I suddenly came across an idea: Why merely build up System Shock's durability if you could just change System Shock's entire chemical composition?”

~ Audio-Diary 6

April 4, 1956


Frank Fontaine: Oh my fuckin' God! Fu Manchu's at it again! All I've asked from him is to be cookin' up System Shock 3, but guess what? The Doctor now says he'll be cookin' up an entire new formula for Fontaine Futuristics. Great! I'll be seein' how far this'll go before Johnnie Chinaman'll be kissin' his own ass back to China, Currya, or whatever he's from.”

~ Audio-Diary 7

April 5, 1956


Bridgette Tenenbaum: Suchong claimed that one of the sea slugs I've supplied for him broke out and fucked up his experiment. But more importantly, he thinks that's a great thing! Oy vey, Suchong thinks dumping biochemicals into System Shock will give it characteristics of life forms, such as evolutionary adaptation to changing circumstances. Just because cells contain organic substances doesn't mean that anything with organic substances are alive. That's like saying that toilets are living organisms, since all the shit flushed down counts as organic matter.”

~ Audio-Diary 8

April 6, 1956


Yi Suchong: They just don't understand! I'm not merely "dumping organic matter" into System Shock. I'm literally tweaking System Shock in its molecular level, to imbue the storyline with chemical characteristics of an original concept virtually able to withstand hundreds, even thousands of volts of game reviews. Cellular semblance would even obsolete System Shock's original name. It'll be Bio-System Shock or System Bio-Shock or something... I'll work on it.”

~ Audio-Diary 9

April 7, 1956


Andrew Ryan: Fontaine Futuristics has long been a herald of Rapture's ideal of free enterprise, designing notable video game titles such as System Shock and its venerable sequal. But as I'm walking around the Futuristics this very moment, I am suspecting a rather sinister motive behind the facility's ultramodern façade. Every week, new structural expansions are being added to Fontaine Futuristics, structures that can hardly be used for mere video game designing. Pipes, chimneys, pumps, generators, blast furnaces, and behemoth vats storing unknown fluids... Even the biggest munitions plant of any nation during the Second World War simply pales to the massive scale of operation of Fontaine's playhouse. I'll be notifying Sullivan to start a covert investigation.”

~ Audio-Diary 10

5 Weeks Later...

May 12, 1956


Yi Suchong: Tried and tried, but I can't find the right biological catalyst for Bio-System Shock. Even the simplest bacterium is too complex to be genetically manipulated on such a scale, and viruses are much too small for use. Nucleic acids were perfect, until I realized that there's no synthetic vessel able to withstand prolonged doses of game reviews. And self-replicating proteins; Are you fucking kidding me?! I don't think a biologically active plotline can be fully built with the level of scientific knowledge Rapture has. Fontaine's right: This is as far as I can get. I'll break the news to both of them right after this.”

~ Audio-Diary 11

May 13, 1956


Frank Fontaine: LOL, I knew it! That gook can't be even makin' a friggin' spinoff of his own work. Jesus, I feel sorry for him, though. That Chinaman was really big on this Bio-System Shock thing or somethin'.”

~ Audio-Diary 12

May 14, 1956


Sullivan: I've planted several agents as new employees in Fontaine Futuristics. One of 'em said Fontaine's top scientist was working on a biological experiment, until he reportedly quit. Sketchy details, but I don't think Fontaine's building bioweapons. When another of my agents leaked the lab's list of contacts, none of 'em directly linked to a major hospital or biological lab. Still, thank God that experiment's over, whatever it was.”

~ Audio-Diary 13

May 14, 1956


Bridgette Tenenbaum: A sea slug I've dissected actually contains stem cells! The sea slug, an unknown species found in the Hikurangi Trench off the coast of New Zealand, secretes cells that can absorb the genes of a host organism and change forms to expand that host's biological capabilities. I still have two or three more of these parasitic gastropods, and I even suspect that the sea slug that trashed Yi's research is the same species. You know what? I'll deliver a sample of the secretion for Yi to use for his "bold" work. May that'll cheer him up.”

~ Audio-Diary 14

May 22, 1956


Yi Suchong: Mr. Fontaine and Dr. Tenenbaum, I am proud to announce the successful completion of Agent Bio-System Shock. As you can see here, this tank contains a live organism capable of cellular respiration, response to stimuli, and even reproduction.


Frank Fontaine: So you're sayin' that little barf-green shit'll be earnin' me mulla?
Yi Suchong: As matter of fact, yes. You are looking at the grand future of Fontaine Futuristics. Thanks to Dr. Tenenbau...
Bridgette Tenenbaum: Just call me Bridgette.
Yi Suchong: Thanks to Bridgette's remarkable discovery of an organic substance capable of mitotic renewal, I was able to refine the nudibranch stem cells and modify them into an entirely distinct life form. Most importantly, Agent Bio-System Shock is so adaptable, it can adapt to three distinct conditions: Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and even PC.
Frank Fontaine: Hmm... Doesn't sound so bad... Fine, I accept it, if you'll just call it Bioshock for short. Agent Bio-Shock just sounds fuckin' retarded. As for you, Tenenbaum, you'll be workin' with our lil' Chinaman over here, just to make sure he woudn't be fuckin' it up.


Bridgette Tenenbaum: WHAT?!?!
~ Audio-Diary 15

May 23, 1956


Sullivan: Just received more news from the agents. Fontaine's putting that biological project back online. Worse, the entire facility is now concentrating on it. I dunno what they're planning for. If I'm just another paranoid maniac in a position of power, it's probably just another video game, most likely a third installment to System Shock. But frankly, I haven't seen enough flying pigs to consider myself crazy. Whatever shit's coming out of Fontaine's ass this time, it's big, and it'll definitely stink up the entire city.”

~ Audio-Diary 16

After Bioshock Was Released...

March 17, 1961


Bridgette Tenenbaum: It's been exactly five years since System Shock 3 was first planned. However, what came out of the gates of Fontaine Futuristics was not System Shock 3. What did come out at the end was an abomination so wretched and vile, so horrific an organism that it ultimately consumed nearly everyone in Rapture and the very soul of the city itself. As soon as Bioshock was released, so many people were so addicted to the organism's genetically engineered by gameplay and self-duplicating storyline what fucked up eventually, when major supplies were cut off on 1959, over half the population became splicers, savage monsters who feasted on family and friends in fits of insanity.”

~ Audio-Diary 17