“All life is beautiful...except Birdo”
“We've just discovered an alien! Oh, wait, it's just Birdo”
“She was male?!!”
Birdo is a video game character from the Mario series. It first appeared in 1987 in Super Mario 2. I say "it" because no one knows Birdo's real gender, you see. Same goes for orientation. The thing is downright weird. Pretty damn scary, but you must be obsessed with tranny-esque things if you're reading this page, so I'll try not to disgruntle you too much. Birdo is known for its pink color and the ability to shoot eggs from its mouth every 5 seconds due to overactive ovaries, suggesting it is or at one point was (to some extent) female or similar to being female. However, in recent years this has been toned down significantly, which leads us to think it has become more male over the years.
Birth and Childhood
Little is known about Birdo in its early years, although we do know it more likely than not hatched out of an egg. Scientists believe that this was a Yoshi egg that had been found by an explorer or passerby (maybe even Mario) and scrambled. For some reason, the egg was not eaten and thus was cruelly left to develop. The result was one fucked up Yoshi that had many genetic birth defects (and later mental/hormonal defects). This poor Yoshi offspring had no nose, mouth, tounge,gender or mind and just a gaping black hole in the middle of its face.
Birdo never attended an eductaional institute and thus never learned to read, write, or speak. Much research has concluded that given Birdo's lack of a tounge, speech would have been impossible anyway. Instead, Birdo makes gargling nausious sounds that some Yoshis have learned to interpret.
Career and Fame
Birdo achieved worldwide attention in 1987 when Nintendo hired it on to one of their video games as an enemy for Mario. However, this attention was all negative, as fans everywhere cussed about the horrible thing that had come to curse their screens by the wretched name of Birdo. As a result, Birdo was scrapped from future appearances. Birdo was ceremoniously and dishonarbly discharged from Nintendo. Mario fans everywhere rejoiced and burned realistic Birdos outside their homes. The event was widely covered by the media, some of whose reporters participated in the so-called "Birdo Burnings" of 1988.
Decline and Deep Depression
After the Birdo burnings, it (Birdo) was soon forgotten when Nintendo released Super Mario 3 with NO BIRDO! (FUCK YES! Oh my God I'm so happy!) My apologies for that, this is just about the most un-biased article you're ever going to find on Birdo, but just let me get this out of my system one last time: OH THANK YOU DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN, LORD ABOVE! NO MORE BIRDO!! NO MORE BIRDO!
Birdo stayed secluded in a deep depression for decades and began taking hormonal pills to make it grow more man-like. The egg production that it had featured in Mario 2 soon faded away and its voice grew deep and even more repulsive. It developed a strong odor that is said to have made Wario faint. Its days were generally spent perfecting its ability to suck its mangina with its massive hole. Once it became quite good at giving itself blowjobs, it came out of hiding (pun very much intended).
Sexual Prowess and Comeback
Birdo is well known to be a horndog after the hormone injections and pills began. It soon moved back into the public eye when it was featured on the front of Life magazine in May 2001 under the headline "WEIRD PINK BLOB GIVES GREAT BLOWJOBS". The article claimed that Birdo had become wealthy by giving head to people with gingantic dicks like Joseph Stalin, Chuck Norris, and Waluigi.
After giving a blowjob AND a handjob to Mr. Miyamoto, Nintendo decided to re-hire Birdo since the hate against Birdo was long forgotten by most Nintendo fanboys. This led to Birdo being included in many Mario spinoff titles, again to negative reception, although to a lesser extent.
Birdo died on January 18, 2009 after it burst its heart following too many orgasms in a row while sitting at home on a day off from its usual prostitute like routines. The memorial service never occured, as no one bothered to R.S.V.P.