Birmingham
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“Alroight bab?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Birmingham.
“Look At moy! oym frum Burrminum!”
~ Birminger on Birmingham.
“Birmingham? What the fuck's that??!?!!”
~ Ozzy Osbourne on Birmingham
“England's third best city. Or maybe the fourth or fifth. Or perhaps a few places down. Anyway, I'm fairly sure it's a city at least. Isn't it?”
~ Mayor of Birmingham
“Its a worthless pile of dog mess and I'm ashamed to even call it a city. Why don't we just nuke it and use the resulting crater to harbour the mess for the rest of the "civilised" world”
~ Gordon Brown on Birmingham
Located in a huge bomb crater somewhere in the lost lands of the Midlands, Birmingham is where the people of England go to die. Inhabitants are required to serve at least five-nights a week in the underground Utterly Butterly mines (pronounced "Utter-lie-butter-lie-moynes" in their yokel tongue).
It is one of many English city centres to be designed by Adolf Hitler, who in an act of benevolence attempted to bomb various putrid cesspools off the map during World War Two. When this failed and he lost the war, the big cry baby got his revenge by designing nightmare concrete buildings, utterly miserable public transport and sadistic traffic systems. For this reason Birmingham has been designated an IKEA World Heritage Site.
By Royal decree, everything in Birmingham must be 33% less good than London in order to fit it's status as England's third most polluted city. Birmingham regularly surpasses this target and most things in Birmingham are radioactive due to the pollution.
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[edit] History
The city was founded in 1836 by Ozzy Osbourne's father, who beat the Zulus in the Battle of Tesco Carpark (1835). He was so horrified by what he had done that he spent the rest of his life drunkenly beating his son until the hapless sod agreed to marry Sharon Osbourne.
Birmingham was regrettably placed on the map when local resident Jasper Carrot found out how to build crap whilst on the 12:17 to Penzance. During the next two dozen minutes, several factories emerged in Birmingham, building everything from shit to shit, ships to Kendal Mint Cake and a bit more shit.
Jasper Carrot then found some balls (not his own, mind you), polished them and performed a "James Bond" on them turning them to gold, and has bored the rest of humanity ever since. Apart from his homo-erotic venture with Robert Palmer Powell, The Defectives.
[edit] Culture
Almost non-existant however ... Birmingham City has one library, it is called the 'Turbo Library', is fast as and has 17 books, they are all written in Urdu and have never been read. Birmingham also has three University-type establishments of learnery, they are popular amongst students and vagrants alike, they are; The University of Tub, Birmingham Shitty University, and The University of Bitch and regularly come 30th, 12,079th and 15th respectively in the Times University League tables.
[edit] Sport
Sport was made illegal in Birmingham in 1936 by William the Conqueror. This law is still strictly adhered to today, as evidenced by watching the miserable performances of either of the city's two kick ball teams, Handsworth United or Kebab meat and chips with chilli sauce Villa.
Eating processed meat products is a popular replacement pass-time. Track-suit clad residents of Birmingham Chavs regularly compete to see who can eat the most bits of mashed up pig, sheep, cows, dogs and monkeys in grotesque abuses of the human body not seen since the height of Roman emperor Nero's rule.
[edit] People
If we regard humanity as a pool of congealing tramps vomit, the people of Birmingham would be a half digested piece of carrot. Not terribly attractive, though not as bad as bile (the people of London's east end) and possibly with some nutritional value. The people seem to believe that Birmingham is the "second city" because of being the second largest metropolitan area in England, but at the end of the day, nobody cares. Particularly the self absorbed people of London, who couldn't give a fuck about anywhere outside of their boundaries.
The people of Birmingham are known as Brummies, usually in such eloquent addresses as Shut your fucking gob, you ugly fat fucking Brummy Bastard (Prime ministers question time, April 2007)
The world record for fruitless scratch card scratching and bitterly screwed up lottery tickets is held by the not terribly proud people of Birmingham.
[edit] Infamous Burmese
- That woman on Ideal World who often sells hoovers
- 'Halifax' Howard
- Awful, awful, pop punk harridan Toyah Wilcox
- Ozzy Osbourne
- Jasper Carrot, so named because his penis resembles a carrot
- Mike Skinner - The Streets (king of birmingham. Reign 1944 onwards)
[edit] Future Developements
Two schools of thought exist regarding the future development of Birmingham.
- The first proposes to turn the city into a massive prison, as seen in the movie 'Escape from New York', which the mayor of Birmingham saw one night when drunk. Since the city already contains a large concentration camp and this is where there are many jews left over since the war and the gas chambers are still on.
- The second scheme favours continuing the pioneering work of Hitler's Luftwaffe, by demolishing every square foot of the city and starting again, perhaps in the style of kitsch illustrations seen in religious pamphlets.
[edit] Transport
Due in part to its location in middle hell, Birmingham is a delightful village; its clean air, sparkling fountains, and beautifully mountainous scenery attracting many an international tourist for a holiday soujourn.
[edit] Railways
Birmingham's New Street Station plays a central role in causing disruption to the national railway system due to it being a dark, dank pit in the ground which someone made the mistake of running rails through instead of a stake or a hub. Trainspotters consider the place something of a challenge due its lack of trains, and so travel many miles to New Street, in an attempt to spot its elusive trains (forgetting in their excitement to spot the one they just used to get there).
Because of concerns raised by Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International, Midlands County Council spent a considerable amount of money in 2011 to develop New Street Station into a giant, gleaming, microwave cooker. Waiting times have been cut in half, though timetable troubles - those mischievous scamps which charm the country with a wink and a hat tip; which have been insoluble since the time of Christ - must sadly wait until His return. We simply lack the tools to unravel the sins which led us here. C'mon man, it was one fucking apple.
[edit] Roads
Birmingham's roads are used for the local sport, sitting in cars whilst beeping. The sport is enjoyed by 107% of the city population, who often participate soon after they finish work. It is also popular to eat at local restaurant, 'Spaghetti Junction'
Travel to Rome severely restricted pending construction work. As an alternative destination the attractive Worcestershire village of Redditch is highly recommended, although only to those with a current Valium prescription. Many of the roads are being dug up because people don't want to go there.
[edit] Canals
Birmingham has two major rivers; the Rae and the Cole. Rae is Brummie for a dirty little stream full of shopping trollies and assorted other shite that spawns genetically altered mallards that eat mouldy bread off the bank and drink only extra strangth cider discarded by the dead drunk tramps that litter the riverside. This is where Ben Hope operates his notorious Ben Hope crime family, and runs his very own free-range mallard farm. Cole is Brummie for shitty river, quite literally since it runs through cannon hill park and the Nature Centre which are full of shit. In fact the Nature Centre was built on a huge pile of shit sometime in the middle ages by a man called Jeremy Flobsbottom who wanted a toilet for his pet Big Bird.
In 1820 Thomas Telford began construction of the Birmingham Main Line canal, which would terminate at Old Turn Junction in the centre of Birmingham. The original blueprints show that a large interchange was planned comprising of a canal fly-over, numerous slip channels and a tidal-flow system on an elevated stretch of canal. Local businesses backed the proposal, pleased with the extra traffic the junction would accommodate. The interchange was affectionately nicknamed Tagliattelle Junction.
Local residents were not so delighted by the prospect of having the most complex waterway junction in the UK on their doorstep. They argued the iron troughs and support pillars would be unsightly and the excess noise of water lapping up against the side of the narrow boats would cause them undue stress. Protest marches ensued, public consultation meetings held and petitions signed. After much debate Telford backed down on his plans and a simple roundabout was installed instead. Thereafter, the high volume of traffic on Birmingham's waterways always resulted in jams and Birmingham was known throughout the country as a traffic hotspot.
[edit] Random Trivia
- The national anthem of Birmingham is
"Birmingham"On. Well the residents do need the encouragement to not kill themselves. - There are more miles of canal in Birmingham than on Venus. This is primarily attributed to the fact that humans have yet to colonise Venus. Despite this, most people are amazed to hear there are more miles of canal in Birmingham, because they cannot bring themselves to accept Birmingham has more of something than somewhere else, with the possible exception of ugly people with extraordinarily annoying accents. Most people are apparently Cockneys.
- The word 'Birmingham' is an anagram for 'Grim ham bin', which makes absolutely no sense, so you must acquit.
- Hudson Leick once laid waste to Birmingham, but no one noticed.
- There are more trees in the Amazon Rainforest than in Birmingham
- Broad Street isn't the widest road in Birmingham. Jack McCoy is considering suing the Birmingham council for false advertising.
- Birmingham is absolutely definitely not the Second City of the United Kingdom. A nationwide poll conducted in 2010 placed Birmingham a meek 19th after Istanbul and Rotterdam.
- The Brummie accent can be used to grate cheese, carrots and many other food items
- Ruth Kelly is said to have assembled "caution wet floor" signs in the factories of Birmingham as a child
- PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!PORN!!!
- The longest bus journey in the world goes around the entire city anti clockwise or clockwise depending on where you live. If you live in the shittiest parts of the city eg, ward end ect you go anti clockwise 11A, If you live in the even shittier parts of the city or your an asylum seeker eg Perry Barr, Witton, then its the 11A.
- Rumour has it that more cans of tennants super are sold in Birmingham than any other UK city.
- It has been discoved that hedgehogs in Birmingham suffer from depression.
[edit] Culture and Arts
Don't be ridiculous! Birmingham has as much chance of being a cultural city as Manchester??!!?!!??!?!!?!
[edit] Burmese Culture
- Getting high
- selling drugs
- downloading
- bootlegging
- stealing
- shanking
- beeping horns
- relaxing
- claiming benefits
- and being gangster
- bein sick and binge drinkin
- feeding pigeons
- teenage sex / pregnancy
- chav
- Attempting to flee
- Being Asian
[edit] Communicating With Native Burmese
If one was to be unfortunate enough to have to communicate with someone from Birmingham, the language is straightforward. Simply replace all vowels in English words with an 'err' sound. Congratulations! You can now speak fluent Brummie.
| Theoretical County of Nuneatonshire | ||
| Birmingham | Coventry | Dorridge | Knowle | Nuneaton | Rugby | Warwick | 
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