Birth
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 Danger: It's dangerous to be born, you will end up dead!
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“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! FUCKING HELL!”
~ A woman on Giving Birth
“Even though birth is useless, annoying and uncomfortable for everyone involved, this seems to be a very popular activity”
~ Oscar Wilde on birth
“We're fat...now I know how every woman feels when they become mothers”
~ Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Nicole Richie after giving birth to their children.
Birth is a highly complex medical procedure that was developed in 1963 as an alternative form of human reproduction. It is a symptom of the STD baby.
Feminists, hippies and "home birth" activists use pregnancy as an agenda to make men look bad and women are the tough ones. Also they recommend birthes to be done in the safety, privacy and comfort of home (DUH).
Think about it: your baby's going to be covered in shit and piss. With all that pushing who knows what's going to end up on it. Yeah, both the parents might be white, but your baby might be brown. Have fun if you have diarrhea.
Warning to all women who voluntarily and at-will want to have babies: IT HURTS for hours on end, YOU FART and SHIT Your pants during the labor process and you'll SCREAM like a heavy metal band lead singer.
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[edit] How birth works
To initiate the process, Daddy sexes Mommy (which is known euphemistically as the birds getting it on with the bees (or vice versa)). The next day Mommy gets a tiny little lumpy bumpy lump deep inside her tummy, which then begins to grow at a hyperexponential rate until it gets really really big. When Mommy thinks her tummy has gotten big enough, she is rushed immediately to the baby hospital in a fire truck with flashing red lights (Blue if your Irish).
When Mommy arrives at the baby hospital and is properly sedated with barbiturates, diphenhydramine, phenobarbital, chlordiazepoxide, quaaludes, and marijuana, the baby doctor makes a thorough examination of her humongous tummy with x-rays, ultrasound scans, Oscar Wilde scans, magnetic resonance imaging technology, etc etc etc. Then, using a magic marker, the baby doctor carefully marks Mommy's tummy with a complex geometric pattern of arrows and dotted lines. The doctor then takes a big scissors and cuts Mommy's tummy open and the new baby jumps out of Mommy's open tummy and is promptly circumcised by the doctor. Then the doctor checks to see if it's a boy (yayyy!) or a girl (ewwwwwww, yuck!) and all of Daddy's gambling debts are settled at that time (payable on a separate medical statement). Then, Mommy's tummy is sewn up by the nurse, and finally Mommy carries the new baby home in a taxicab, the end. [1].
In European countries the procedure is somewhat different. Following mutual agreement that the Daddy loves the Mommy (and vice versa), the Daddy has 'mouth sex' with a stork. With incredible precision the Stork retains the baby juice in its mouth without spitting or swallowing (much to the glee and disappointment of the Daddy). Nine months later, the stork returns carrying a baby, Mommy and Daddy's new bundle of joy. Some misinformed Daddies try to undertake this procedure with Mommies but the procedure has been mostly unsuccessful, only highly skilled women (such as Christina Aguiliera) can perform this incredible mouth sex act.
[edit] Male equivalent of birth
The male equivalent of birth is called ejaculation. Unlike the female version, there is very little agonizing pain involved. The entire process can last as long as two (2) minutes. Fifteen seconds before the blessed event, his closest male friends and family members will hold a sperm shower in his honor and give him lots of wonderful gifts such as beer, golf clubs, power tools, barbecue equipment, more beer, and many wads of cold hard cash (for buying even more beer later). The joyous moment of arrival is usually filmed in VHS or 70mm IMAX. The end.
Another theory put forward by Dr Johnson of Tyne and Beer[2] is that the "male birth" is another way of giving birth to children without the proper utilization of contraceptives; this so-called "theory", however, is critically flawed as it does not actually explain anything.
But a straight heterosexual non-crossdressing male can perform a simulated pregnancy to impress his wife on how he wears a sympathy (or is it empahty belly) that dramatizes an actual pregnancy. Yeah, she gets a laugh and a smile to watch your man go through the pains and B.S. for like a day or tow, but she really goes through for 9 months.
[edit] Homebirth
Some women, usually hippies and yuppies have opted to give birth at the confines of their homes instead of going to the hospitals' delivery rooms. It's an alternative to medical care and professional physicians, they just lay in their beds or bathtubs and scream their heads off alone, or invite "friends" or "family" over to view the birth...yeah, that's weird.
[edit] Birth porn
Youtube clips of childbirth scenes for those who are sick in the head, then again the idea of a woman getting knocked up through the vagina and then pushes the baby out of her vagina may well be sexy.
[edit] Sources
[edit] See also
- Toilet Babies
- Cloning
- Deception
- Defecation
- Abortion
- The Curious Case of Norris Drabné
