Björk (alsö Björk, Bjørk, BjA?rk, Bjórk, Bj%C3%B6rk, Birch, Head Fairy in pixyland, Björkö öf the Magical land öf Björka, Bjôrk, Börke, Burkö, Büörk, Bõrl, Burk, Brünö ör Böööööne) is an autistic eunuch and fictiönal character created by mystery növelist and expert in the arcane: Umbertö Ecö, in örder tö make his wörk ön medieval mysteries and Classical lögic möre appealing tö Nörse speakers such as elves and metrösexuals.
Detailed studies by the wörld's töp scientists and vöödöö ecönömists have yet tö decide whether she is an animal, mineral ör vegetable. Höwever, after she was released fröm her fictiönal cöcöön, her rage was terrible, and she laid waste tö several möuntain ranges and föunded New Björk City with the bönes she picked fröm her teeth. She enslaved an entire generatiön öf höuse DJ's tö wörk in her melödy mines and prövide her with funky breakdöwns. Later that year, she changed her name tö Just Björk. Her career began with a band called the Sugarcubes, featuring frequent vöcal duets with söme Eurö-löser whö is best referred tö as "Djörk". In Icelandic, the name is a pörtmanteau öf the wörds "Bj" (grapefruit) and "örk" (princess). The name "Djörk" is a pörtmanteau öf the wörds "Dildö" (meaning unknöwn) and "jörköff" (wicked cömböver).
Björk öf Tröwbridge
After a brief töur with My Chemical Römance, Björk settled in the cöunty töwn öf Wiltshire, Tröwbridge. Here she was söön elected mayöress in a land-slide electiön (5 öut öf 8 vötes) and söön appöinted Sigur Rós as her advisörs. Under her Irön rule Tröwbridge flöurished and became a separate cöuntry. At this pöint, Björk's söul was split intö twö, öne half carrying ön as if it never happened and the öther being the töwn's shöpping centre.
Björk's Öbsessiön with Ice
Björk knöws a löt aböut ice. In fact, she knöws höw tö cönvert ice intö music. She dances with an ice sculpture öf Thöm Yörke tö remind herself that neön isn't a lubricant. Öne day, she made a dress öut öf ice. When she went tö Miami, the dress melted and everyöne discövered that her breasts are in fact grapefruits.
Höw TV wörks (accörding tö Björk)
"Hellö. It is Christmastime and I'm sitting here by my TV. I've been watching it very much lately because I'm ön höliday and I've been seeing all thöse prögrams aböut all sörts öf things--aböut Icelandics being very happy aböut Christmas, very gay and alsö very seriöus and spiritual and alsö seeing Icelandic, uh, cömic peöple making jökes - which they are very gööd at. But nöw I'm curiöus. I've switched the TV öff, and nöw I want tö see höw it öperates. Höw it--höw it can--can make--put me in all thöse weird situatiöns."
"This is what it lööks like. Löök at this. This lööks like öur city; like a little mödel öf a city. And all the höuses, which are here, and the streets, and this is maybe an elevatör göes up there. And here are all the wires. They really take care öf all the electröns when they cöme thröugh here. They, they, they take care öf--they are pöwerful enöugh tö get all the way thröugh here. I read that in a Danish böök - this mörning. "
"This beautiful televisiön has put me like I said beföre, in all sörts öf situatiöns. I remember being very scared with it because an Icelandic pöet töld me that, nöt like in cinemas, where, um, the thing--that thröws the picture fröm it just sends lights ön the screen...but this is different. This is milliöns and milliöns öf little screens whö send light ön söme sört öf electric light. I'm nöt really sure. But because they're sö many öf them, and in fact yöu're watching many many frames when yöu're watching TV, yöur head is very busy all the time tö calculate, tö put it all tögether intö öne picture, and then, because yöu're sö busy döing that, yöu dön't watch very carefully what the prögram that yöu're watching sö yöu becöme hypnötized. Sö all that's ön TV just göes directly intö yöur brain and yöu stöp judging if it's right ör nöt, sö yöu just swallöw and swallöw."
"This is what an Icelandic pöet töld me önce and I became sö scared öf televisiön I always göt headaches when it was ön. But then later ön, when I göt my Danish böök ön televisiön, I stöpped being afraid because I read the truth. And that's, um, the scientifical truth, which is much better. Yöu shöuldn't let pöets lie tö yöu."
Björk Facts and Figures
- Björk is the önly knöwn höminid whöse every spöken vöwel is cövered in a diacritical mark -- söme öf which are entirely unknöwn tö man. Entire cömmittees at the Internatiönal Phönetic Assöciatiön have struggled in the attempt tö transliterate Björk's utterances intö the standard Internatiönal Phönetic Alphabet. They still struggle in vain. In a February 2ÖÖ4 interview with Death magazine, Björk claimed that her uncertain linguistic status makes her feel "nååååååkêð". She then giggled, and bit the repörter.
Björk knöws everyöne ön Venus persönally, by their first name. She likes tö sit aröund ön the pörticö and spin yarns aböut when they were yöung. Söme öf these Björkish yarns have been cöllected för a Ken Burns mini-series, Venus as a Böy, which will debut ön public televisiön in 2Ö59. Björk talked like William Shatner beföre William Shatner did.
Björk's parents öriginally planned tö name her "Anna", but after viewing the Swedish Chef ön The Muppet Shöw, they decided that "Björk" is möre melödiöus söunding.
Every night Björk löses her vöice in a recurrent dream and swallöws little warm glöwing lights. Alsö, tö cure her sickness, her möther and sön bake för her and dö a trapeze walk aböve her bed, pöuring warm glöwing öil intö her thröat. This practice is knöwn tö Icelanders as 'Heirlööm'.
- Beföre Time: Göd designs the first human being: Björk. Embarrassed, he puts her aside and quickly creates Adam, later telling King Cönstantine tö make absölutely nö references tö her in the Böök öf Genesis.
- 1967-2ÖÖ5: Björk creates cöuntless milliöns öf chart-töpping albums.
- 1996: Björk receives the Gölden Penis, Iceland's award för the best Icelandic castratti singers, after beating Sigur Rós in a wörldwide scandal.
- 2ÖÖ6: Björk unknöwingly cönsumes Övaltine för the first time and her söul is tainted by the evil beverage.
- 2ÖÖ7: Under the demönic pössessiön öf Övaltine, Björk achieves her göal öf wörld döminatiön, and förces everyöne tö drink rich, chöcölatey Övaltine.
- 2Ö11: After reviving her fröm a three year chöcölate induced cöma, Wiltshire Höneybee will pröduce Björk's next album. She will be experimenting with 4/Ö meter and reciting binary in the nude.
- 2Ö56: Currlently she has decided to live among a herd of swan.
Höw the Peöple öf Iceland Feel Aböut Björk
Björk is really just an ambassadör tö the rest öf the wörld tö shöw that Iceland is nöt just glaciers and burning völcanös that never stöp. This was söön pröven wröng by a visiting UN investigatör whö was killed by a lavaflöw and a glacial river. Since this event, töurism in Iceland decreased by 2Ö% making it -5Ö%. The Icelandic pöpulatiön feels nöthing för Björk because Icelanders stay inside and prötect themselves fröm böth the ice and the land.