Black Watch

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search


Founded a long long time ago in a colony far, far, away, the Black Watch Royal Highland Regiment of Canada as they are known to their friends are the Canadian army's answer to the USMC. They fight with determination all the time, even when no enemy is to be found, can be easily found in the fortress of Montreal in any pub or liquor store.

Requirements to enter this strick regiment include the ability to chug 12 beers (7.2 % alcohol) in under 5 minutes and be able to fire you rifle at 300m (900 ft) with deadly accuracy while on your tip toes. Many other requirements revolving around drinking games and lethal weapons dot this regiment's entry qualifications.

The Black Watch marching past her Majesty the Queen in full combat order

Dress includes Kilts with no underpants (the penalty for wearing some being 20 lashes), a balmoral with red hackle, lots of shiny white and gold stuff to let the enemy know they are on the way and to prepare surender terms (took a few wars for the enemy to figure this out) and red sashes for sergeants and above so that snipers would know that they aren't officers.


The Regiment was founded to act as a defence force for Canada after the British Conquest in 1760. It participated in many wars with local recruits and british officers (until 1867). Important contributions include:

The American Revolution[edit]

Came, saw, fought a bit, went throught withdrawal symptoms due to lack of beer and pretty women and returned to Montreal.

American troops show up at montreal looking for pretty women but are pushed back by the Black Watch defending with increased viciousness to protect their supply of Molson.

War of 1812[edit]

Americans invade due to British meaness, burn York (Toronto), this had the effect of pissing off the Black Watch, whom reserved the right to taunt Toronto and other wise be asses. When the American troops fucked with their stomping grounds the BW troops mobilized kicked ass burned the White House down got withdrawal symptoms again and returned home with a victory (a tie if you are American).

Fenian Raids[edit]

Fenians Raid, Black Watch shows up but the Fenians had already left since it's so fucking cold and they did not really want Canada anyways.

1838 Rebellions[edit]

Upper and Lower Canada start rebellions a la Americaine but fail due to the presence of the Black Watch, the fact that most didint give a shit and the ease of locating decent beer in Canada.

Boer War[edit]

South African Dutch and Dannish settlers start a conflict with British settlers over diamond mines. England forseeing Canada-Dutch relations in the future (see Hans Island) decide to ask for 2000 Canadian troops to deal with the whinny little bitches. Canada also forseeing the Dutch bastards trying to take Hans Island although it had been Canadian for like 200 fucking years decide to send 8000 including the Black Watch and a beer brewery.

20 000 dead Dutch latter, they swear revenge by constantly laying claim to a certain Island in the Arctic with oil to be decided in the Future.

Great Beaver Rebellion of 1901[edit]

After the Victorious return from South Africa the Black Watch was once again tasked to quell the beaver's rebellion. The beavers up till then had been requesting official status within the confederation. Canadian politicians being very wise and all laughed at them provoking the beavers into a blood filled rampage.

The Black Watch being drunk thought they were just French women and tried to buy them drinks, getting all the beavers drunk but none in bed (much to the chagrin of BW troopers)a treaty was signed and the beavers formed the Royal 22nd Regiment which now includes beavers and humans but the beaver is still displayed prominently on the regimental insignia.

World War One[edit]

World War one or The Great War was fought from 1914 till 1918 (1917 and 9 months till 1918 if you are American)was the bloodiest conflict in human history to date. Canada decided it would be nice to show up the yanks and decided to send in the CEF (Canadian Expeditionary Force) nearly 1 million soldiers strong for a population of 7.5 million.

The Black Watch participated in nearly every major battle including:

  • Paschendale
  • Amiens
  • Flanders (not the yellow guy)
  • Vimy Ridge
  • Frenchie la Francais sur la plaine
  • etc

For more detailed information see WWI

World War Two or Revenge of the Krauts as it is known to some[edit]

Started by a guy with a funny moustache with muscle spazms in the right arm 1939-1945 (1941 and 11 months-1945 if you are american).

Battles fought by the Black Watch:

  • Dieppe 1942
  • Battle of Normandy
  • Battle of Caen
  • Dieppe but from the other side of the water (did'nt see that comming eh?)
  • Vimy Redux
  • Battle of Werent we here last time? II
  • Battle of Berlin

See WWII for greater detail

A typical transvestite corporal on a normal day.

Korean War[edit]

Commies cross the border and try to take over democratic *cough* South Korea situated to the North of North Korea.

UN sends in US lead coalition, Canada joins up for kicks and giggles. Everyone decides to let Black Watch kill everything for a while. US troops want to play too, so they create a rotation system and the Rules Of War are born.

Nothing really is solved China shows up for a bit and cross dressing Corporals in hospital units become poster boys/girls for the campain.

WWII 1/2[edit]

Nothing really happend the Germans tried to start things up after a having a few too many beers but images of troops in kilts without underpants jumping over stuff brought them back to their senses.

Start building weapons used by gamers worldwide instead.

Assorted Peacekeeping missions[edit]

Canada has provided till now more peacekeepers than any two nations combined (true fact), usually consisting of BW troops travelling to far and distant places to consume all the beer to discourage belligerants from fighting. Works in most cases, when inefective they still drink all the beer but take shots and random civilians to get their point across, rarely killing anyone in this maner since they are wasted beyond belief.

This is not to be mixed up with the Canadian Airborne method of torture/murder and video recording. See Somalia.

Latter adopted by other forces elsewere.

Gulf War[edit]

Sadam attacks US ally, US declares war and Canada comes along sending in the Black Watch to some of the areas more likely to contain BWTMs (Beer warhead tipped weapons). None are found intact, the program was thought to be discontinued.

Afghanistan 2001[edit]

Afghanistan says stupid things to the US, they invade. Canada comes along gets Khabul as area of responsiblity. US gets bored and goes to Iraq and leaves Canada incharge saying "no Black Watch parties while were away, ok?" Canada like a responsible caretaker goes out to Kandahar, gets bombed a few times, calls in Black Watch, problem solved.

Afghany beer supply drops 72%

Iraq 2006[edit]

The new Prime Minister of Canada the Rt. Hon. Stephen Harper decides Iraq looks like a fun place, declares war sends in troops, starts talking all funny, loses next election. First war where Canada was beatten to by the US, analysts say a bunch of incomprehencible bullshit.

Iraqi beer supply drops mysteriously 81%.

The martyr of the seperatist movement General Duceppe is depicted here on a Propaganda poster. He was killed in the 1838 rebellions but remains a strong icon for the movement

Battle For Quebec 2008[edit]

Quebecers finally decide theyve had it with Canada, and leave without a vote or even a farewell note. The Black Watch being already in Quebec and all decide to invade (from the inside), kill most of the hippy pot head students (pretty much the only ones who beleive in seperation till they grow up) and restore a federalist party to power.

Essentially a rehash of 1838 rebellions, see above.

The UN votes to intervene, but since the Canadian army is the UN peacekeeping force, does nothing, forgets about it a few years later and gives a nobel peace prize to PM Stephen Harper

Quebec beer supply remains unchanged


Today the Black Watch remains on guard wating for the eventual surrender of the French (it will happen any day now) and any possible invasion by the Germans or the dannes (the dannes dont deserve capital letters).

--Canukadian 03:05, 7 February 2006 (UTC)