Blackbeard the Potato-Masher Man
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“I will fucking kill him. He will fucking die. I will fucking bury Blackbeard the Potato-Masher Man.”
~ Bill Gates on Blackbeard the Potato-Masher Man
Blackbeard the Potato-Masher Man was born on February 11, 1962 in southern Texas. His parents left him at the age of seven, when he was picked up by Luke Skywalker. He earned his name from the war crimes of that time, where he slashed the arms off of Mr. Potato Head and his family.
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[edit] Early adult life
At the age of 14, when he went to Kansas to get his driver's license, he met Oscar Wilde. In 10 short seconds of hearing amazingly stupid quotes by him, he started the Umpteenth Fuzzy Hat War against him and his band of followers.
[edit] The Umpteenth Fuzzy Hat War
Many were slaughtered, mostly from an atomic bomb set off by George W. Bush for no apparent reason.To end the war, though, Blackbeard ripped off Wilde's 42nd right arm. This caused him great pain and made him make another strangely stupid quote:
“Blood tastes good.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Blood
[edit] After the Flippin' War
After the Umpteenth Fuzzy Hat War, Blackbeard was captured and sent to court. The judge, Ultra Jesus, accused him of black-beardiness and sent him away to jail. Blackbeard escaped jail with the help of two unnamed Filipinos and joined the Beatles with the alias "Barbara Streisand". After the Beatles disbanded, he killed Barbara Streisand off and ran off with the Teletubbies. After killing several people when he lobbed a grenade at the Baby-Sun-Thing, he was fired and exiled to Russia.
[edit] Life in Russia
Blackbeard was exiled to Russia from killing lots of people. Blarg. He spent eleventy-seven years before joining the Bolshevik faction under Edgar Allen Poe. There they fought in fierce battle against Rod Stewart and old nemesis Oscar Wilde. Rod Stewart killed Blackbeard in the fight, but he came back to life as the Incredible Hulk. He tore off Rod Stewart's head and ate his internal organs.
[edit] The Second Exile
Because Edgar Allen Poe disliked cannibalism, the Blackbeard was exiled to the Moon, where he lived for a brief period of time with Robot Santa. They were about to launch an invasion on Wisconsin. But the Flying Spaghetti Monster came in the nick of time and put an end to it. After barely escaping the FSM's deadly wrath, he moved to Kentucky and joined the circus.
[edit] Blackbeard the Potato-Masher Man v. Ultra Jesus
In 1978, Blackbeard was sued for 17 crimes against humanity and Vogonity by Ultra Jesus -- again. Seventeen jurors died, 3 defense attorneys fled, and Blackbeard was 22 before the final verdict was reached. He was sentenced to 666 years in Hell. After 2 months of being in prison, Blackbeard successfully escaped with 4 other prisoners.
[edit] Current times
Today, Blackbeard lives on the moon, accompanied by Satan Claus. They planned to nuke Mercury in 480952358235093232458214029 years, but the plot was foiled by the Flying Spagetti Monster. A fierce battle ensued on 72924 ADHD that rendered the dolphins useless.
