Bladder

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The bladder (Serpiente vescici) is a type of poisonous snake native to the planet Earth.

Anatomy[edit]

The bladder's shape is unique among snakes, being nearly a perfect sphere. It is approximately 35 centimetres in diameter, and has only a single orifice on its orange-striped scaly body, which is alternately used for ingestion, hearing, smelling, talking, excretion, hot sex, egg-laying, telephony, and spewing out copious quantities of lethal yellow venom with tremendous force at targets hundreds of meters away with deadly accuracy.

In fact, as much as 99% of the bladder's body is pure liquid venom, which is capable of instantly dissolving through every substance known to man (with the sole exception of the bladder's internal organs). A single drop of bladder venom is capable of wiping out 299,071 & 1/3 people (two-thirds of the population of Albuquerque, New Mexico as of the 2000 census). According to God (who is reportedly omniscient), there is no known antidote.

The bladder also makes a unique pearl that may be sold on the local Black Market for surprisingly large quantities of unmarked cash.

Lifestyle[edit]

Bladders can often be found hunting, raping, pillaging, smoking, and soliciting in vast thundering gangs deep in the jungles of the inner city and the rain forests of central South America. Individual bladders, however, are quite docile and they make wonderful pets for small children and the elderly, though sometimes they have been known to attack and consume their owners for no apparent reason.

How To defend yourself from the attack of an enraged bladder[edit]

You can't. If you or one of your loved ones happens to encounter an enraged bladder, all is lost. The bladder will relentlessly track down its intended victim by any and all means necessary, such as, but not limited to, scent, sound, radar, infrared goggles, decryption of personal e-mails, government intelligence reports, hired goons, and/or directory assistance. The Bladder Control Union (working out of the barricaded campuseese of the University of British Columbia) has valiantly tried to give many people the necessary items to fend off enraged bladders, but to no avail whatsoever.

Free Tip from the Federal Citizen Information Center (Pueblo, Colorado)[edit]

  • Do not taunt bladders.

See also[edit]

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