Blankets were a dangerous narcotic developed in the late 60's. Although the use of blankets are down by 2/3% nowadays, they still are one of the nations mostly smoked and or sniffed and or injected and or inhaled and or eaten and or huffed and or licked drugs. Blankets are considered a 'gateway drug' and so are treated very seriously by the DEA. Any person in U.S. territory caught with Blankets is immediately burned at the stake and marshmallows are roasted. Mmmmm! I like Marshmallows!!!
In 1956 a man named Edward B. Lanket realised that by injecting Marsmallow filling into snakes, they would produce poison, fluffy, delicious eggs that would cause the fool idiotic enough to be dumb enough to eat one to be set off on a 2 day trip. B. Lanket took 3 of these every hour.and thats why hes the old man dancing on the six flags commercial, for these he took 20 in 1 minute.
On one of his most famous trips that got him banned from ever going to Seaworld again, he wound up in a clothing store. He felt the fabrics. He felt them many many times. They felt like, so, soft to him dude. They felt like butter to the touch. Like a rabbit's fur without the danger of being bitten. Like Santa's downstairs beard. The clouds in his mind swirled about like floating particles of water in the sky...
Ahem, anyway, while rubbing the fabrics for several hours, he eventually passed out. Upon waking, an idea had struck him. He traded in 4 goats and a sheep for all the clothes in the store. At his laboratory, located under Your house, he worked on a way to make huge pieces of cloth that would, upon touching any part of a person's body (yes, even that), would release a euphoric drug into one's system.
After 5 years of study and testing, the first blanket, as he named it after himself, was created, and the world would never be the same.
The Drug's impact
After the first blanket was crafted, Edward seeded out samples into the community. Billions were immediately infected with the craving for more blankets. He began selling them at 100 dollars a blanket, and his empire rose. Using his money he funded research for newer blanket colors, textures, and styles.
At first it wasn't well known outside of the more dirty, filthier areas and walks of life. But over time, as all things do, blankets became known about and soon used by even high status individuals. Presidents, Scientists, Scientologists, all respected people of the community became hooked on blankets. At this time, people began to fight back.
The Blankets Are Ruining Lives, or BARL, was formed in 1967 to fight the growing blanket problem. With their efforts they managed to raise enough funds to ban and destroy most blankets in the country. Their campaigns included.
- Book burnings
- Child burnings
- Blanket burnings
- Cow burnings
- Fire burnings
- Free blanket giveaway (somehow it helped)
- Free fire giveaway (didn't help too much...)
- Gingerbread bake off
- Nationwide fire day
- Endangered species burning
With the Anto-Blanko Embargo of 1968, blankets were for the most part, gone from mainstream society. As with any fad, it had come and gone, but left serious fans in the aftermath. Edward B. Lanket wasn't arrested, but shamed out of the country when it was found out that the B in his middle name stood for Bertha.
The Drug and it's Effects
Blankets were made by fusion of fabrical molecules and shiny golden fun happy molecules.
When fused carefully in a lab (or your mom's basement, whichever works for you), the newly made blankets were dipped in a toilet bowl filled with milk soaked with luck charms and chocolate coins. Hopefully, a leprechaun will sprinkle his magic on the bowl, and if he does, the blankets will be ready for sale or consumption.
The Drugs effects are said to be a mixture of that feeling you get after having a big dump, and drinking way too much Kool-Aid. But none can really describe the state one's mind enters after coming in contact with a Blanket, or a blankie, as the frequent users are called. Just know the drug does some crazy things to your mind, and usage often ends with dry hump orgies. Or staring at the wall.