Blind Guardian

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Blind Guardian is a brutal symphonic death/polka metal band (all of whom are coincidentally blind), founded by J.R.R. Tolkien in 1348. They are best known for their satanic stage shows, which include acts such as beheading goats, impaling virgins on jagged stakes, eating babies, and throwing rings into lava. Long production times of their albums is a trademark of the Blind Guardian creative process. Often, the album producers and engineers are subjected to cryogenic freeze and other methods of suspended animation during the album production in order to not die of old age before the album is released.

Blind Guardian was successfully elected as the governing council of Germany in 2003, which lead to the War of the Ring and subsequent world domination through global thermonuclear pie consumption. In addition to their reign of power in Germany, Blind Guardian has staged several assassinations of prominent members of nations such as Arch Duke Ferdinand. Blind Guardian is also credited with the destruction of Adolf Hitler.

Blind Guardian is said to have strong links with the KKK, WAR, and Elvenking

Band members[edit]

  • Hanz Krush: vocals, flute, assault weapons
  • Andréoid Holplox: electric mandolin, spoons
  • Fred Ehmqx: drums, garbage cans, stormtrooper helmets, beer keg
  • Marcus Siepen: broad sword, ticklefeather, hamsterbones

Krush is particularly susceptible to diseases as his mother(who was none too bright) dipped only his heel in the River Styx as a child. Due to this, he has delusions of being a god, which he sings about in every 3rd song.

“I am God, the only one.”

~ Hanz Krush on self

This has led to many boycotts of Blind Guardian albums dating as far back as 1775, where American colonists dumped imported copies of the band's latest album, Tea, overboard.

Andréoid Holplox is not a real person, but rather some sort of super power android never even considered for mass production.

Ehmqx is a devoted follower of Elton John. Ehmqx shaves his head because he has a third eye (commonly mistaken for a mole in photos). This has led many fans to question whether he is a Martian or just a Finn.

After having the same lineup since the year of the fall of the Byzantine empire, the previous drummer Thor was expelled after having murdered the rest of the band during an intense Tupperware party. He abandoned the music business after that incident, founded a savage circus and started to make brutal shows all over the galaxy together with Chewbacca. The dark necromancy of the demon king Richard Simmons was employed to successfully revive the band.

Recent Events[edit]

The band dominated their latest continent, South America late last week, with the help of producer and long time friend Burkin A. Faso.

Discography[edit]

  • Greatest Hits Volume 3, 942
  • Wo Ist Der Spiegel?, 1398
  • Their moms song, 1476
  • Greatest Hits Volume 1, 1567
  • Downfall from the other Opera, 1648
  • Tea, 1770
  • Tolkein Album #1, 1950
  • Tolkein Album #2, 1959
  • Tolkein Album #3, 1967
  • We Live in Tolkein's Universe, 1970
  • Also Sprach Zarathustra, 1988
  • Skymning i Bullerbyn, 1990
  • Ode To Joy, 1993
  • Гимн Советского Союза, 1998
  • Finding Emo, 2000
  • Who the Hell Recorded this Album?, 2002
  • Live, 2002
  • Studio, 2003
  • Imaginations Through A Lake Of Böödöm, (DVD) 2004
  • A Twist in the Plumbing, 2006
  • Mein Kampf, scheduled for 2010 if the cryogenics hold out.
  • Worst Hits 1: The Search for Greatest Hits Volume 2, 13,231
  • Sorrow and Defeat, 14001
  • A Pepsi Twist, 2009
  • Bard's Schunder Song, date unknown

Trivia[edit]

During a performance on the Jovian moon Io, singer Hanz Krush accidentally summoned Cthulhu by slurring a word in the chorus of their song Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely.

The band does not have a full time bassist; Oscar Wilde himself joins the band in the studio to record the bass parts. As such, the bass is the only audible instrument in Blind Guardian recordings.

Hanz Krush recently made a collaboration album with horror writer Stephen King, entitled 'Stephen King is My New Tolkien, Guys'. The album received a huge tour in support of its release, but the band is currently on hiatus because Steven King is working on an epic novel right now which will plagarize one of his previous works leading to another huge tour in support of hotdog buns trying to capture 75% of the world including the Ivory-Coast.