Blonde

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NipTuck2.JPG Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg This article needs liposuction! Stop hand nuvola alternate.svg
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This poor old lady is not in her better shape, but we wish we could trust
your swift hands to bring her back to her former glory.
We mean rewrite it!
A typical Blonde woman, otherwise known as Ms Peroxcide or Golden Clam.
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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Blonde.

Blonde, or Blond , is a yellowish pale and sometimes golden color of the human hair that are caused by numerous factors such as

  1. Loss of black pigment during childbirth
  2. Mutation of the chromosone Y2K attributed to contamination by alien genes.
  3. The parents are both blondes
  4. Its a wig. a good test for this is to give the hair a good hard pull, if it doesn't come off try harder, she may have used glue

Blondes are highly suspected of crimes against humanity by non-blondes to the extent that many uses blond hair dye to infiltrate and blend in for further genetic research. There are blondes who are further endowed with blue colored eyes. Fortunately the Department of Homeland Security has intercepted taiwanese made coloured contact lenses and shall be used by their field operatives pretty soon.

It is not easy to dispose of blondes due to the female version 3.0 been over-suscribed by lonely asian males insomnia correction therapy. The situation is pretty dire that a report of rape by a female blonde is not accepted by police stations in 32 states and 120 nations. Not to mention 2.5 billion males. According to the Department of Agriculture, the supply of blondes is sufficient for the coming Christmas holidays.

Darwinian selection has helped ensure that this hair color is only naturally present in a small percentage of humans, striking a delicate balance between utter sexual boredom and rampant overpopulation. Modern science, however, has allowed mankind to throw off his, I mean, her genetic shackles. Potent chemicals, including volatile hydrogen compounds, have the ability to mimic the blonde's natural brain-ventilation mechanisms, with the effect that even fat brunettes can get laid. Fortunately, the negative Darwinian side effects are cancelled out by inventions such as the birth control pill, liposuction, and Internet porn.

Definition of a Dumb Blonde[edit]

Due to deep anxiety of whether a blonde beauty is actually smiling at a guy, immediate fantasy is ejected into the clean mind that the she needs to get laid. However when reality is proven to the contrary, the most acute withdrawal symptom from the male species is to inject a fresh dogma that the blonde has to be dumb. Thus the following definition has been finally accepted by Wikipedia about blondes.

Dumb blonde: While she is attractive and popular, she lacks both common street-sense and academic intelligence, often to a comedic level. Blondes are usually portrayed as promiscuous and selfish. They also tend to carry around tiny purses that don't actually carry anything, and also little dogs who are completely stoned. (See: Dumb Dog)

Role of Blondes In Pornography[edit]

This is a defect in the rest of the human race's immune system. Somehow they feel more sexy seeing yellow colored females rather than yellow cabs. The pornography industry received a big boost when Steven Spielberg started recruiting all the best blondes for his sleazy movies.

However since the blondes are emancipated, they have formed a political party of their own and has put some new laws on the table and in between their boobs. Do expect better quality pornographic content to reach the White House by 2012.

Just some facts to start off with[edit]

new research has found that it was cavemen who were the first to be lured by golden locks. According to the study, north European women evolved blonde hair and blue eyes at the end of the Ice Age to make them stand out from their rivals (brunettes) at a time of fierce competition for scarce males. Who knows where the gingas came from...~ And we all know those Scandinavians are into some crazy stuff. I mean really crazy.

The study argues that blond hair originated in the region because of food shortages 10,000-11,000 years ago. Until then, humans had the dark brown hair and dark eyes that still dominate in the rest of the world. Almost the only sustenance in northern Europe came from roaming herds of mammoths, reindeer, bison and horses. Finding them required long, arduous hunting trips in which numerous males died, leading to a high ratio of surviving women to men.

Lighter hair colours, which started as rare mutations, became popular for breeding and numbers increased dramatically, according to the research, published under the aegis of the University of St Andrews.

Adolf Hitler made an egregious error when outlining the parameters of the so-called "Master Race": his elevation of blonds to positions of power led directly to his failure to conquer the world. Just goes to show, a) brunettes can be dumb as fuck as well, and b) blonds have saved the world from totalitarianism and racism.

Diet[edit]

A blonde's diet usually consists of ...nothing or you never see them eat they're just constantly in the bathroom with a finger down their throat. However blondes are able to survive on daily doses of about 3 mililiters of concentrated protein... (whoever wrote this is really gay and is obviously jealous)

Crunchies[edit]

Crunchies are a species in which a brunette would prefer to be blonde thus dying their hair blonde(although in this case it's a more orange-red-yellowy blend bad dye job). These types are naturally idiots, being as stupid as the typical blonde.

Identifying blondes[edit]

Blondes are easily identified when they come closer

Obviously these blondes have blondehair which can range from a whitish colour to an extremely dark yellow almost brown. You may mistake some redheads or 'gingers' for blonde as some make false statements such as 'I am strawberry blonde'. Woman who try to convince the public that they have strawberry blonde hair are obviously to embarrassed to admit that they have red hair therefore make misleading comments about the colour of their hair. Many people think that having blonde hair is a very common thing BUT generally, about 95% of the woman who claim to have blonde hair are lying and are a red head or brunette who is jealous of a blonde and has died her hair. Why exactly anyone would actually say they had red hair is still not understood (most likely blondes wanting to appear smarter).

Blondes can also be recongnised by there intellectual abilities. They are often considered dumb therefore the phrase 'dumb blonde' came around. They are often described as ditzy air-headed creatures, that like the attention they receive by having blonde hair. As a general statement we could say that they are natural bimbos. You can tell a natural blonde to a fake blonde by asking them a simple 2 digit math problem (7+8,4+3) and depending on their answer catogorize them.

Us brunettes and redheads can also recognize blondes by their beahviour as they are usually gossip queens who have nothing better to do then talk about their so called 'friends', bitch about them and stab them in the back. Most of the time they reconcile over an expensive brunch paid for by their parents.

Where to find them[edit]

An ad of blondes and sex

Blondes are usually night dwelling creatures who during the day can be seen lazing around but as soon as it gets dark will jump out to the nearest club, dance or party. They can be seen surrounded by members of the opposite sex constantly as really the only thing on their minds is getting laid and then boasting about it to the 'friends'. Many times these blondes are often under the assumption that guys actually want to get to know them and take long walks on the beach. Of those blondes who prefer not to do nothing during the day can usually be found skipping class/work or be at the beach hanging with surfer dudes.

You could also find blondes at the shops spending mountains of money with their credit card and because of their 'intellectual abiliaties' not be noticing that they are spending just about all the money they have. You could find them in some stores such as Supre obviously being the store for skanks.

Horror Stories[edit]

It is October 12, 1998, on a dark and stormy night. A blonde is out at night, driving her car. She runs into a truck, the only other vehicle on the road. The truck's driver makes her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car. Her heart pounds in her throat. He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the pavement. He tells her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he goes over to her car and slashed the tires. The blonde starts laughing. This makes the man angrier so he smashes her windshield. This time the blonde laughs even harder. Livid, the man brakes all her windows and keys her car. The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny. The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"


  • Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
  • Two blondes were standing next to a convertable trying to open it with a wire. a brunette came passed and asked what they were doing. The blonde with the wire replied "I left the keys inside, its starting to rain and the roof is down."
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair so she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car. Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

  • I once saw a blonde so dumb, when she missed the #22 bus, she took the #11 bus twice
  • A blonde was walking down the street and asked a random guy what the time was. "4:45" he said. The blonde stood the puzzled and the guy asked her if she was alright. "No," she replied, "I've been asking that question all day and every time I get a different answer."
  • A man arrived at work to find that the office was being painted. A blonde was painting a wall wearing an expensive fur coat and a designer denim jacket. When questioned about her fashion choice, she replied "Look at the tin!" The tin had written on it: 'For best results, use two coats.'
  • How many blondes does it take to put in a lightbulb? Nobody knows, because it's never been done.
  • For unknown reasons, four blondes and a brunette happened to be hanging off a cliff with just their fingers. For yet more unknown reasons, one person had to fall to save the rest. After much bickering, the brunette finally offered to let go. And all the blondes clapped.
  • A Brunette, a Red-head, and a Blonde were standing in line at a firing range. The Brunette steps up and yells "tornado!" then runs away while the shooters are distracted. The Red-head yells "earthquake" then runs away too. Then the Blonde steps up and yells "FIRE!"
  • According to reserach done by the world's best universities and governments, the other name for a blonde with two pigtails is a blowjob with a handle.

See also[edit]


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