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The "bloody internet" is a pain-in-the-arse, blood-sucking life-ruiner. Invented c. 1956 by Jews, it was first envisioned as a means of encouraging conversation and understanding between the warring superpowers; however it quickly fell into the hands of nerds who turned it into a clandestine system for the spread of conspiracy theories, communist propaganda and porn. It continues to annoy and frustrate a large percentage of the Earth's population to this day. There once was a time when there was a distinction between the bloody internet and the blasted Web but that time has long since passed and it's all the fucking internet to me.
I bloody hate the bloody internet; it's a waste of mine and everyone's time. There I am, trying to bring some joy into my day by taking advantage of the many benefits of a virtually integrated society and the stupid bloody thing slows down on me. Again. It's not like I mistreat my computer; I'm not always downloading violent porn like the rest of you perverts; but the bloody thing has still slowed to standstill. All I wanted to do was listen to Visions of Angels by Genesis on Youtube because it reminds me somewhat of this girl I'm in love with who's going out with a retard who's probably never even listened to Genesis. She walked into school once with his jizz on her sleeve. I pretended not to notice but everyone could see it; she just sat there looking beautiful and I sat there dying on the inside realising that while she was jacking him off I was on the stupid bloody internet listening to Genesis.
It's not like I'm unattractive; I've quit smoking and I'm popular and I shower at least once a day. The other guy's got a speech impediment and a mole and yet it's him she's always climbing on top of and not me. I can make her laugh and she chooses to spend time with me so I don't get it; does she think I'm gay just because I know how to code HTML? I don't even mention computers around her; in fact I don't mention computers at all right now because I bloody hate them and everything to do with them; especially the fucking internet.
And all you people reading this are probably just like me (well some of you anyway, I mean the ones that shave and have friends that they've actually met); it should be you that are out there being entrepeneurs or joining the army or becoming presidents of small banana republics (if you're that way inclined). It should be you that are making the decisions and getting the cash and shitting all over the little guy; you're quite smart (most of you anyway), some of you might even be in MENSA! You should be the ones that are getting with the truly unique and beautiful girls because you're the ones that would actually appreciate beauty and innocence; but no, it's fuck-ugly, mole-faced, lisping retards that are drooling all over them because you're all too busy writing bloody Uncyclopedia articles on the stupid, fucking, bloody internet!
I used to have fun; I used to go to parties and get stoned and pick fights with people who are skinnier than me. I used to throw beer at the stunted guy that no-one likes. I used have nicknames and handshakes and people who wouldn't start a party without me. But that wasn't good enough for clever, smart-arsed me. I had to start spending more time hacking and coding and contributing to pointless memes that should have been aborted long before they grew limb-buds.
We're all fuck-ups because of the internet and we've fucked the internet up because of our anger over our own fucked-upness. Yeah, it's you I'm talking to you fuck-up. You, someone bearing some kind of resemblence to me; you probably wear glasses because contact lenses are shit and you can't afford laser surgery because you've never had a job (though statistically speaking you're probably American and that's completely normal where you come from).
I can't believe I'm still sitting here writing this stupid article when it's only purpose is going to be adding another neck to the many-headed monster called the internet. I play the guitar, I've got a band who basically do what I tell them to do, so why am I doing this? Why aren't I being creative? I'm a published fucking poet for fuck's sake! I've just about had it with this crap. I'm going to finish this article, close down the browser, do my homework and then live an internet-less life. I'll probably be back from time to time, I'm hardly going to start paying for Genesis albums, but I'm not going to waste my time in a world that doesn't physically exist. I'm going to go out there, get wasted, puke on the stunted guy and have a good, internet-free time. I'm going to stop using myspace, bebo and facebook and all that other bullshit that forces people to waste their time having conversations that would be several degrees of magnitude quicker and more interesting if they took place face-to-face just so that some clever student or businessman can make millions on advertising, while the average intellectual content of the world slowly decreases to zero.
I'm going to nip this piece-of-shit waste-of-time article in the bud, then go out into the world and chew some nicotine gum. I'm not going to let the bloody internet ruin my life any more.
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