Blowjob
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“Why on Earth would I want to put my dick in an area full of teeth?!”
~ Oscar Wilde on being offered a blowjob.
“I will tickle your pickle if you give me a nickle.”
~ High-school kid on being offered a blowjob from his teacher.
“Get down and suck me, woman!”
~ Member of Manowar on demanding a blowjob.
The blowjob was a revolutionary invention which was first discovered in the early 1337s A.D.. The purpose of the invention was for a male's mate (preferably a woman). Often this "gift of the gods" was not given to the male by his mate, and was most often given from distributors (whores). Such a gift was not free though, so males often paid in stones which was used by the distributors to survive. In the modern days, such transactions are similar. The women who perform these tasks, are no longer called distributors. They are now called prostitutes, and are widely renowned around the world. Also, instead of stones, they are paid in legal tender, which can be used to buy almost anything in the country or area the currency is used.
[edit] Blowjob Disadvantages
Although there are not many repercussions for blowjobs, you always must consider the risks you are willing to take. Always remember, you are more likely to receive a disease by being the receiver (receiver as in taking the inserted foreign object in your mouth), and always remember, the inserters are less likely to receive a disease! By following the simple guidelines provided, you are on your way to a successful, and pleasurable blowjob:
- Avoid Bracefaces - If you are on the receiving end (giving the blowjob), please do not have braces. You are making the blowjob more painful than pleasurable.
- No Sharp Teeth - If you have sharp teeth, STOP RIGHT AWAY. If you accidentally close your jaws, you can bite the inserted object clean off.
- Condoms - Who the hell needs a condom if they're receiving a blowjob? Christ, use them for vaginas, not blowjobs.
- Anywhere - One of the benefits to blowjobs are they are almost un-noticeable anywhere you give or receive them. Although you can also have sex almost anywhere, blowjobs are the least noticeable.
- Foreplay - Blowjobs can also be used for foreplay, which increases the sexual arousal of the receiver.
- Balls - Don't forget them.
Giving a blowjob is one of the best ways to give pleasure, so girls keep sucking
[edit] Historical Roots
Although blowjobs were not popularized until 1929, there have been historical drawings located in caves in San Francisco indicating that blowjobs have been around for several million years. These early drawings show two men exerting themselves and becoming exhausted. To combat the exhaustion, they would provide each other with fresh air using the tube located on the other male. However, because the only thing straight people want from queers is interior decorating advice, this process failed to catch on in mainstream society.
As you can see above, a load of unfinished code was left behind by a user receiving a blowjob. As the entire male brain is located in the penis, it is thought that the user encountered "penisbittenoffasphalaxia" when the bitch decided to bite..
[edit] Early Developments
With the invention of pregnancy in 1945, women bitches hos quickly realized that there could be other uses for blowjobs. Additionally, following the explosion in upscale clothing that only made women's asses look fatter, they found that simply reinflating the man after an expensive shopping spree was no longer sufficient. Early pioneers in the field of women's Bitches' rights such as Sarah Palin and Monica Lewinsky found that by pre-emptively inflating their man, they could do less blowing after upsetting their master.
[edit] War on Blowjobs
With the coronation of the God of Losers, Barrack Obama, a War on Blowjobs was declared. Obama stated, "If that idiot Bill Clinton could get head in this office, then why can't I?". Following his declaration of war, elite teams of Power Rangers were dispatched to eliminate the Gore twins and Paris Hilton. To date, over 0.5 women have been infected with a secret anti-blowjob virus. To counter the effects of this, Pfizer created Viagra to help lift the spirits of men everywhere.
Recently focus has switched to the usage and application of the blowjob science to animals in the hope that this could afford cheaper IVF treatment for women using a turkey basting implement for completion. The horses and pigs are said to be particularly happy.
[edit] Religous views
Nuns enjoy giving a good blowjob as they are raunchey which is portrayed in many porn movies. Blowjobs are also a gift from God.
Many religious individuals experience an identity crisis while watching pornographic videos featuring blowjobs. This is because most religious people are bisexual and struggle with two competing desires: 1) Really wanting to switch places with the man being blown, and 2) Really wanting to switch places with the woman blowing. Particularly in the Christian faith, bisexuality is a common phenomenon due to Jesus Christ's obviously androgynous appearance.
[edit] Blowjobs and Marriage
In recent studies, it has been found that blowjobs in a failing marriage has reduced the number of divorces in America by 3.5 percent when performed correctly, but has also risen by 75 percent. The reason behind the increase of divorces is due to the fact that many men are being caught by their wives bitch having this act performed on them by "freshmen" college girls sluts. The repercussion of this is believed to leave men castrated and alone and broke as fuck.
[edit] See also
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