ATTENTION BATHERS! Beware of the amorous blue-ringed octopus. When sexually agitated, blue-ringed octopuses often attack doomed swimmers, because, according to Crocodile Dundee, "the bastards can't easily find willing sexual partners!" Members of the Genus Venomous Casanovarous, they comprise three (or perhaps less) deadly octopus species that systematically terrorize the coast of Australia. Aboriginal Aussie natives, as always throughout history, blue-ringed octopuses dominate their habitat; with the only exception being in Saudi Arabia, where they have been popularized as trendy pets by the Arabic TV program, Mecca Vice.
The origin of the creature may be determined by each individual based on their personal faith. Below are some examples from which to choose: Christ created the Blue-ringed octopus (and Jesus approved). Allah created the Blue-ringed octopus (and Muhammad approved). Buddha created the Blue-ringed octopus (and Dalai Lama approved). Nature created the Blue-ringed octopus (and nobody approved). Your God created the Blue-ringed octopus (and you approved). Nothing created the Blue-ringed octopus; its an illusion - go on, pick it up!
- Absolutely-pitiless Blue-ringed Octopus (Hellochlaena lunutica)
- Repulsively-hideous Blue-ringed Octopus (Hellochlaena malevolena)
- Grotesquely-insidious Blue-ringed Octopus (Hellochlaena fascista)
Their diet typically begins with the bottom of people’s feet. They ‘pring’ their pringer into the foot and paralyze their prey with venom. Once down they hug the victim's head and use their beak to eat through the face and into the victim's body which they consume from the inside out - Really! They consume other things too, such as Tiger Sharks and Box Jelly Fish, but they are primarily known as man-eaters.
Apart from being extremely ill-tempered, an individual blue-ringed octopus tends to use its dong a lot to get its NUT. When horny, the beast, with no provocation what-so-ever, adopts a vicious attitude, changes to bright yellow color with blue rings, and then goes looking to terrorize and murder people.
An extremely unfortunate encounter with a blue-ringed octopus can be recognized by agonizing pain shooting up the leg from the foot – which may cause the heart to explode from the chest cavity or the brain to explode from the scull, or both. This heartless monster is a regular hell-raiser. Apart from bare-back sex its favorite hobby is terrorizing, attacking and killing innocent bathers – as ordained by God the creator, for the good of humanity.
A male mates with a female by grabbing her buttocks - which sometimes completely obscures the male's vision - then transferring sperm by inserting his dong into her orifice over and over again until he achieves orgasm. If he has not gotten his nut yet, mating continues until the female has had enough, and has to remove the horny male by force. Males will attempt copulation with members of their own species regardless of sex or size. And when frustrated and horny they're particularly aggressive and deadly
The Blue-ringed octopus is the size of face-huggers depicted in the film Alien, but its venom is powerful enough to kill the Alien, what to speak of mere mortals. There is no known blue-ringed octopus cure available unless you know a Voodoo witch doctor -- this is because unless you can revive the dead you have no chance of helping a victim.
The octopus produces venom.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] That venom contains incredibly toxic tetrodotoxin. The major neurotoxin component of blue-ringed octopus venom was originally known as malevolotoxin but was later found to be tetrodotoxin - compared to which the Alien's blood is as mild as hydrogen peroxide.
“If the victim's head is missing do not attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation”
Immediately try to bring the poor John or Jane back to life by shouting. Yell that the "ocean is on fire!" -- they WILL believe you! It is essential that efforts continue even if the victim is missing his/her head or heart or both. If the head is missing do not attempt mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Tetrodotoxin poisoning can result in the victim being fully aware of his/her surroundings but unable to breathe, which must be quite disconcerting. If all life-reviving methods fail then dream up a good alibi, inform a lifeguard, and then wake up – like it was all a horrible nightmare. Then look up Blue-ringed octopus on Uncyclopedia, have a laugh, and thank your lucky stars that it wasn't you.
The Blue-ringed octopus is one of the most horny and dangerous sea creatures in all creation. It normally carries enough venom to kill an adult elephant in 30 seconds. And for ocean lovers in Australia the blue-ringed octopus are a right royal pain in the foot If it ever happens that a Blue-ringed octopus becomes attached to your face, then pray that it only kills you!
Did you know that Blue-ringed octopuses are claimed by Muslims to be one-of-their-own, and Blue-ringed octopuses are banned under Article One of the Geneva Convention, they're the only non-humans besides dolphins that enjoy sex, and Blue-ringed octopuses are the most popular pets in Saudi Arabia due to the popularity of Mecca Vice, and that Blue-ringed octopuses make Sigourney Weaver prefer a holiday on THE Alien planetoid rather than Australia, and the sting-ray that killed Steve Erwin was promptly murdered by a blue-ringed octopus in what some call poetic justice.
- Webster’s Blue Ringed Dictionary
- Ching Caldwell 2000. Sex life and mating in the blue-ringed octopus, Hapalochlaena lunulata. Anim Behav.: 27-33.
- Quinn RJ (1978). "Maculotoxin identified as tetrodotoxin". Science 199 (4325): 188–9.
- Caldwell, Roy, Dr (1996-2000). What makes blue-rings so deadly?.
- Dangers on the Barrier Reef.