“Check this shit out! Another 99 yard TD run!”
“No I don't know. Bo doesn't remember.”
“Bo knows where the WMDs are.”
“Bo knows your wife. They just did it.”
Bo Jackson is the legally certified most badass athlete ever, playing in both the MLB, NFL, NHL, NBA, and was Heavyweight Boxing Champion. He retired with 534,211 career rushing yards in ten seasons of Tecmo Super Bowl on my old Nintendo system before I got bored and decided to play as the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Getting 15,000 yards in a season with Bo Jackson was nothing. Getting 900 yards in a season with Merril Hoge was a fucking achievement.
One time, I was playing Tecmo and Bo ended up with over 1000 yards in a single game, because I used him for kickoff returns. Hell he even caught a pass, and that was really rare for Bo. Throwing the ball to Bo in Tecmo was like running the ball with Merrill Hoge -- just pointless.
Apparently, Bo Jackson was a two sport athlete. That's what Sports Illustrated claimed.
Bo was moderately successful as an outfielder in the MLB. In his eight baseball seasons, Jackson had a career batting average of .250, hit 141 home runs and had 415 RBIs, with a slugging average of .474.
He also did that one badass run up the wall one time.
Bo was like that. Consistency? Fuck that. Bo knows badass plays.
Even during the 75% of the time when Bo didn't hit the ball, he was badass. he used to break his bat over his knee like he was a luchador and the bat was his bitch. Man... Bo rocked, even when he didn't rock.
Bo once hit a baseball from Auburn's Plainsman Park all the way to old Fulton County Stadium in Atlanta...and caught it before it landed!
Bo even snorted a line of coke, and when the paramedics got there to revive him, he was already alive and challenged them to a game of Twister.
Bo Jackson holds numerous records in major American sports. He is the first and only black player to score an NHL goal. He also hold the record for most 3-point shots in an NBA game (35). He was a pro boxer with a record of 57-0 with 58 consecutive knockouts. He also cleaned his garage in a single weekend. Perhaps his proudest moment was the winter of 1988 when he built the perfect snowman.
Advertising and TV stuff
Besides being an underutilized athelete, Bo was also an underutilzed spokseman for products such as Nike.
Bo did ads built around themes such as "Bo knows football" and "Bo knows chess" and "Bo knows where you hide your titty mags".
Now, this next part isn't a joke. Serious. Here's a direct quote from Wikipedia:
Following on the heels of this widespread fame, Jackson appeared in ProStars, an NBC Saturday morning cartoon. The show featured Wayne Gretzky, and Michael Jordan fighting crime and helping children.
Bo even fought crime!! And he was badass at that too! Who the fuck would run from Bo Jackson?! You?! Bullshit. Bo was so badass that even with two lamers like Gretzky and Jordan, he was double deluxe baddass.
Fall from grace
Life after the hip quit on Bo
Bo Jackson was briefly a member of the Bush administration in 2003. While Jackson didn't do anything of value, President Bush repeatedly told reporters at the press gaggle that, "Bo knows where the WMDs are." Bo was unceremonious run of the White House after breaking his hip looking for Saddam Hussein in the Lincoln Bedroom.
In 2005, Bo Jackson was officially certified the most badass athlete ever by High Times magazine. A poll of its editors unanimously certified that they would totally kick ass at anything if they were Tecmo Super Bo.
Things Bo knew
- When you are sleeping. But Bo has no ill intentions.
- When you're awake. But, watch your ass.
- Wheter you've been bad or good. Seriosuly, Bo will fuck you up if you try and pull some shit.
- Where Al Capone's gold really was. (A: Fort Knox.)
- How Lost would end. (A: Disappointingly.)
- Which base the gun was under
- Who killed JFK. (A: John Seigenthaler Sr.)
- How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. (A: Surprisingly, 34.)
- Where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. (A: His backyard)
- If a tree falls in the middle of the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound. (A: He didn't say he would tell us, he just knows.)
- What Kobe did (A: Score 81 points in a game once)
- KFC's secret herbs and spices (A: Salt. Just salt. Nothing else.}
- How to suspend animation. (A: Carefully.)
- How to yell "Movie" in a crowded firehouse.
- Where you live, where you work, and how you were screwing with the neighbor's wife.
Things Bo didn't know
- Who shot JR.
- Where the WMDs are.
- That the Pope does indeed shit in the woods.
- That there were two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.
People/Animals Bo knew
Andrew Jackson | Bo Jackson | Jackson Pollock | Jacksonville | Janet Jackson | Jerry Jackson | Jesse Jackson | Michael Jackson | Randy Jackson | Samuel L. Jackson | Stonewall Jackson | Who The Fuck Is Jackson Pollock?