Bob Dole
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“Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole is good... Bob Dole!”
~ Bob Dole on Bob Dole
“Bob Dole loves this article!!”
~ Bob Dole on this Article
“One of us!!One of us!!One of us!!”
~ Grues on Bob Dole
Robert "Bob" Dole Is a helicopter; however, when the mood is right, he GOT DAT BOOM BOOM POW.
Contents |
[edit] Early life
Bob Dole was born on july 22, Dole had a fairly uneventful childhood up until the age of ten, when he was sucked in to the gears of a combine. The injuries he sustained were relatively banal in comparison to the horrific event itself. This was due to Bob's father's quick actions (accelerating and rev-matching downshifts). Amazingly, Dole suffered only a broken back, skinned testicles, and the most lasting injury—which has become Dole's trademark—a maimed right hand. When Bob Dole was a teenager, Bob Dole realized that Bob Dole had to become a Republican politician instead of following in Bob Dole's father's footsteps of cultivating 942 different varieties of wheat on the family's urban farm. The thought of spending a lifetime working the lifeless Kansas dirt for three pennies a week was an unacceptable possibility for the young Senator. Bob Dole knew Bob Dole was destined for far greater things than that of a farmhand or going on the Dole; Dole felt he was being guided by the loving hand of Satan.
In 1812, three years after healing from his combine injuries, Bob Dole was provided super human strength from his father, Jor-EL. Jor-EL was at the time, the leader of the planet Krypton. Krypton's kryptonite core was unstable and in the process of self-destructing the entire planet. Jor-EL, and his wife, Lara, determined to save their son, boarded the teenager onto a trans-universal Cessna 175—that Jor-EL modified with five 20 inch sub-woofers—just in time to escape from Krypton's massive explosion. Bob Dole drifted in space for two hundred and ten years before finally crashing in to the American Midwest.
Demon Bob Dole has been classified as a third-string cyborg slice of white bread, and, as a coconut shrimp, once killed an entire school yard's worth of deaf children.
[edit] Service in World War II
Bob Dole served in the U.S Army fighting Germany during World War II. Though some people have heard that Bob Dole was paralyzed, the truth was, Bob Dole came home from WWII in perfect shape, only to get a congratulatory handshake from a kid, who would later grow up to be Frank Zappa. That's how Bob Dole got injured. Bob Dole was so angry, that Bob Dole sucked out his soul and used it to invent AIDS, which according to Bill Cosby is a form of genocide. Cosby was right. Bob Dole also realized that Bob Dole was one of the Power Rangers. Thus, attacking Japan and Narnia.
While serving in the Army, Bob Dole lost control of his inherited pineapple business, (Dole Fruit) in 1945. While in a Nazi POW camp, he used it to gamble, and lost a poker game to Hitler. In Bob Dole's anger Bob Dole made Hitler kill himself which ended the war. It is believed that Bob Dole said Bob Dole so many times that Hitler begged for mercy. But with Hitler dead, the Nazis sold Dole Fruit to your mom, who currently owns it.
Bob Dole was also a competent fighter pilot in WWII, known as "Maverick." Mr. Dole earned this call-name because of his ability to disregard commands and chomp his huge white teeth in the face of adversity. During a flame-out in his F-14 Tomcat over the Pacific Ocean, Maverick, and Goose, his radar operator, were forced to punch out at 75,000 feet. Goose, who had a wife named Meg Ryan and a hawt little piece of underaged daughter, died in the ejection after striking his head on the canopy. Following the crash, "Maverick" Bob Dole spiraled in to a sickening montage of shame and withdrawl.
It was then that he decided to run for The Senate.
[edit] Creation of Al Gore, and other inventions...
On June 17, 1949, Bob Dole attempted to create the first Super Republican. Bob Dole added the ingredients, boogers and rice and everything nice, but accidentally added global warming causing the creation of Al Gore. Bob Dole said that Bob Dole labeled Gore as Demipet99. On April 32, 1959, Bob Dole said Gore escaped into the jungles of Vietnam where he married three Vietnamese prostitutes. In the late 1960s, Bob Dole tried to create a substance which would subdue the hippies, by "Republicanizing" thier brains when applied to the scalp. This goop, however, made a test subject so Republican, that he claimed he was God. Years later, a Moron- I mean a Mormon politician named Mitt Romney would use it as hair gel. Bob Dole is also noted as the creator of the first electric nose-hair clipper.
[edit] Fun Facts
-One little known fact about Bob Dole is that back in 1956, Bob Dole was a very successful stand-up comedian until, in a freak bar accident, Bob Dole lost Bob Dole's funny bone. Down-trodden and depressed and down-trodden, Bob Dole turned to the Republican Party as an alternative to suicide in 1972.
-Bob Dole has tried numerous times to become president and failed miserably. In 1996 when he ran for office with his wife, one of the reasons Bob Dole failed to get elected was Bob Dole's disorder which causes Bob Dole to talk in the third person: "Bob Dole thinks Bob Dole should run for president. Actually, Bob Dole likes to hear Bob Dole talk about Bob Dole. BOB DOLE! Darn! Bob Dole's doing it again!"
-Bob Dole has survived many assassination attempts, one from Bill Clinton in 1996, Neil Armstrong, Your mom, emo kids, Bruce Lee, Oscar Wilde, Charles Dickens, and Ben Stiller. The Terminator has had to save Bob Dole's ass every time. Whether or not Clinton was trying to rape Bob Dole or kill him we will never know but i'm sure they are the same thing.
-As of recently, Bob Dole has been often commenting on such events involving the recent incident with Steve Irwin and his insanity, as well as on many of Bob Dole's inventions. Rumor stated that since Bob Dole's social activities were recently on the rise, Bob Dole may have been planning to unveil Bob Dole's latest invention, the interwebbernets, in the next few months. However, this has been proven false, as Bob Dole suddenly released a document noting that the interwebbernets was a myth created by Al Gore, and that Bob Dole was secretly developing Pasketmaul.
-In May, 2006, Bob Dole decided to go on a journey to the Holy Land with Bob Dole's new comrade, Pokey the Penguin.
-Bob Dole buys hemroid cream in bulk.
-Bob Dole has a pet seal named ort ort ort.
-Bob Dole also supports the King of Idiots, whose identity is under question. (A current theory suggests it is George Bush.)
-In 2002, Bob Dole was featured in a Super Bowl Pepsi commercial along with Britney Spears. Bob Dole's reaction to Britney Spears: "Bob Dole would hit that!"
- bob dole consumes the hearts of all he touches bob dole is a stupid fag who likes taking in any hole he has
[edit] Music career
After Bob Dole's unsuccessful presidential run against Bill Clinton's penis, Bob Dole got into the music business. Bob Dole guest-starred on a few albums with Johnny Cash and Lil' Romeo. After this Bob Dole started a solo project. Bob Dole reportedly had Bob Dole's own songs as an alarm on Bob Dole's wristwatch. Bob Dole launched Bob Dole's debut album "Bob Dole Sings: Bob Dole" on January 14, 1998. It debuted at No. 1 on the charts. However, Bob Dole's album promotion tour was cut short by severe hemorrhoid. After the hermeriod/seizure/heart attack/genital herpes virus, Bob Dole put out 2 more albums: "Never a Dole Moment" (1999) and "Duh-Duh-Duh-Duh-Dole!"(2001). After the last release, Bob Dole decided to call it quits with that venture, so he could have more time to go to church with his wife, play Call of Duty, and talk about Bob Dole.
[edit] The Pokémon Copyright Scandal
Similar to a Pokémon, Bob Dole seems to like the sound of Bob Dole's name very much, which is why Bob Dole repeats "Bob Dole" incessantly. This gave Japanese TV producer Isaguchi Okahasha Takanawa Sushiyamamoto Tojo, Jr. the idea of having the creatures repeat thier own names on the show he was producing at the time- which was Pokémon. However, Bob Dole wanted to be paid for his involuntary input. When Isaguchi Tojo, Jr. refused, Bob Dole was so angry that Bob Dole put a curse on every Japanese man; He shrank all of thier penises! Haha! Beware the wrath of Bob Dole!
[edit] Bob Dole's time as a Sorcerer
It has been brought to our attention that somewhere in between Bob Dole's defeat in the presidential election and the beginning of Bob Dole's musical career, Bob Dole attempted to go into hiding.
Unfortunately, Bob Dole's debut album, "Bob Dole Sings: Bob Dole" was a smash hit with everyone, including petty criminals, pedophiles, French people and necrophiliacs. (French people being a synonym for the other three). However, even the sanctity of Bob Dole's own home was no longer safe, so Bob Dole went to find a new DoleHome. Bob Dole came upon the perfect location. Here supplies are at low, low prices, and there were many other old people Bob Dole could talk about laxatives with.
Later, Bob Dole and his wife took refuge in the massive sanctuary, God's holy pendulum, for somewhere around three months. During this time Bob Dole came upon many magical spells encased in boxes. Over time Bob Dole increased the size of Bob Dole's magical library, soon forming them into a deck of unimaginably power. Bob Dole then challenged congress and the white house to a game of super-poker. Much to Bob Dole's surprise, Bob Dole's magical spells did absolutely nothing, because George W. Bush was too busy planning 9/11.
[edit] Bob Dole's Immortality
Bob Dole himself has stated publicly that Bob Dole is surrounded by a thin layer of magic mist that will enhance Bob Dole's vision and deflect fists, puppies and rocks, but not bullets, but don't worry because Bob Dole is in fact an immortal; bullets won't kill Bob Dole. Bob Dole says Bob Dole has had the magic mist since Bob Dole found the magic spells, however recently discovered evidence suggests that it comes from the souls Bob Dole traps in Bob Dole's magic pot, which is kept at the foot of Bob Dole's bed.
[edit] Hobbies and Intrests
- Stacking wooden dicks by the fucking doors into interesting structures.
- Saying Bob Dole's name all the GOD DAMN FUCKING TIME!
- Making doughnuts that look like fannies.
- Car-jacking hippies.
- Watching re-runs of "Matlock" and
- Sitting in big chairs atop large space stations with planet destroying powers with big circular windows muttering about the "DARK SIDE", and something something "COMPLETE!"
- Being conservative: (going to church, beating up queers, strangling abortion doctors, buying guns...)
- Inventing
- Playing with magic.
- Playing the Jew's Harp
- Cheating on his wife with his pet Whale, Polly.
- Singing songs to his crew of insect pirates.
[edit] See also
...BOB DOLE!
