Bob Rae

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Comrade Bob Rae "You'll shoot your eye out!"
Predecessor: Josef Stalin
Successor: Mike Harris
Date of Birth: August 13, 1944
Place of Birth: Moscow, Soviet Russia
Spouse: Jack Layton
Political Party: Pinko Communists

“Bob Rae is too far left to be a Communist”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bob Rae

“I hope one day Rae becomes Prime Minister so I can ruin his career”

~ Joe Clark on Bob Rae after Rae forcing an election in 1980

“What a left-wing nutjob!”

~ Jack Layton on Bob Rae

Bob Rae was the 915th Premier of the Soviet Union, ruling from 1990 to 1995, and Leader of the Ontario Communist Party. He recently ran, and lost for the leadership of the Liberal Party of Canada against Michael Ignatieff (also known as Dracula) and Celine Dion's brother. Rae is planning on running for Member of Parliament in Bill Graham's riding for the next election, he will lose against the true NDP candidate.

Political Ideology[edit]

Below is approximately where most political pundits place Bob Rae on the political spectrum.

Most political pundits agree Bob Rae lies on the far left portion of the political spectrum.

As Premier[edit]

This is the city of Toronto a week before Bob Rae was sworn in as Ontario Premier

As premier of the Soviet Union, Rae was often thought to be too far to the left to be an effective communist. This resulted in the Soviet Union falling off the left edge of the political spectrum, smashing into hundreds of little pieces on the hard ground below. This breakup of the Soviet Union resulted in the creation of many new pieces of states, such as Vietnam, Texas and Mars.

During his premiership, Rae came up with the idea of "Rae Days", in which everyone would buy pine trees, bring them inside their houses and decorate them with decorations subsidized by the government. This cost taxpayers approximately $30 billion.

This is Toronto approximately one week after Rae was sworn in.

Rae was defeated in the 1995 election by Mike Harris, who campaigned on the promise of firing nurses and teachers and replacing them with super-intelligent cyborgs. Since his defeat, Rae has been seen working on his top-secret Death-Rae. It is believed that the radiation from device is what is responsible for his mutation from a New Democrat to a Liberal.

Liberal Leadership Race[edit]

Rae recently ran for the Perfidious Grits of Canada Leadership race, which was decided, according to Liberal Party rules, by seeing which candidate can conceal the largest drinking problem. Originally, Rae was in first place, with 50oz/day, followed by former Dracula actor Michael Ignatieff with a solid 40 and one of those little minibar bottles. Hedy Fry wasn't even worth doing a joke about. Joe Volpe drank embalming fluid, thus causing his dead supporters to be embalmed with Worchester Sauce, making them into zombies. However when the actual election occurred, he was less popular than a bowl of half eaten Poutine from Quebec.

If he was elected Prime Minister of Canada, Rae would have promised to:

  • Not screw up Canada, like he did to Ontario.
  • Personally shave off Jack Layton's mustache, because he likes his pussies shaved.
  • Appoint Cabinet Ministers who are alive.
  • Beat up Chuck Norris, but we all know what will happen there...
  • Make having any of your money not go towards taxes a capital offense.
  • Replace the prenomial "The Honourable" that all cabinet ministers get with the prenomial, "Comrade."
  • Make same-sex open marriage mandatory.
  • Make smoking pot a tax-deductible activity.
  • Implement every Friday as a national holiday called "Rae Days."
  • Develop WMDs within days of coming to power (according to White House sources).
  • Uncensor nudity on CBC so people can see his gross bare ass on Rick Mercer Report.

Personal Life[edit]

Rae performing in his Billy Joel cover band after losing the Liberal leadership.

Rae is married to Jack Layton. Together they have four children. However, many of them have irreparable brain damage due to the intake of drugs by their mother during pregnancy. One of these children grew up to be George W. Bush.

Bob Rae's day job when not involved in politics is being the front man of one of many Billy Joel cover bands.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Bob Rae.

See Also[edit]