Bonfire night

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Bonfire night is a celebration held on November 5, commemorating the day that Guy Fawkes invented fireworks.

The Fall Guy[edit]

Bein' 1113 years old, I remembers clearly me dear old mate Guy Fawkes and 'ow he took the fall for Guyaif Fawirhi the Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber from Dudley. On account of the Earl of Norfolk havin' tried to open up the local Norfolk gene pool by shacking up with a Muslim bird from Swansea.

England, happy and unknowing[edit]

During this ancient time gone by, England was not just a green and pleasant land, it was a land where everyone, 'cept me, was 'appy. The roads were paved with gold, the trees gave all types of fruits, all the year round, the sun shone always and everyone, 'cept me, wore pastel coloured togas and combed their silky blonde hair.

Dudley, a hotbed for fundamentalism[edit]

Now Guyaif was a bitter and twisted young man, mostly because Dudley, for animal rights reasons, had been declared a separate country from England. Most Dudleans therefore had been forced to develop their own crazy regional accent (still apparent today) and sleep with their sisters, making it a criminal offence for a Dudlean to visit England, under pain of death.

Guyaif was not happy. He resented the English togas, the fruit, the sun and most of all the happiness. (The roads paved with gold didn’t bother him too much) So after years of pointless whining and handing out pamphlets in the Dudley town center, he fashioned his own pastel toga from some cats bladders, bleached his hair and strapped three tonnes of dynamite to his waist and then 'ead off for the Holy city of London.

Lost in London[edit]

Once there he got himself lost. 'is intention 'ad been to find a nice quiet park somewhere, dump the dynamite and then set it off from a safe distance. Then streak round the park naked, screaming it was the will of Asda. (or another of his pagan gods) but he got messed up by an extremely large group of French exchange students, who lead him on a sight seein' trip of London and eventually the 'ouses of Parliament.

Now Plod (the police) was none too 'appy about the three tons of dynamite in the 'ouses of Parliament, as it obscured their way to David Blunketts great, great, great grand-daddies top-secret Labour Parties secret stash of porno mags. (The destruction of which during the Great Fire of London, is why the Blunkett family are the way they are today.)

Arrested![edit]

So, they arrested Guyaif and took him to the Tower of London, which he appreciated, because the French exchange students had mysteriously missed it from the tour, then they (the Police) bunged 'im in jail, where he shared a cell with a guy called Roger, who was down for making a sexual advances on a member a hunting party. One of the 'orses if I remember rightly.

Chop and Change[edit]

Turns out that this bird the Earl of Norfolk has been seein', was a distant relative to Guyaif, The Earl of Norfolk had gotten wind of this and decided to keep 'is bird 'appy and dump me old mate Guy Fawkes in trouble. So Guy was arrested on a trumped up charge and was blamed because 'e was Catholic and had seen the dynamite, when really he was an 'onest Pirate (and a damned good one too.) Meanwhile, Guyaif was let off free. But, for what ever reason, he refused to leave 'is cell.

Fornicating Fireworks![edit]

Meanwhile, Plod 'ad been carryin' the dynamite back outside, desperate as 'e was to get back at the porno mags but during his work shifting the dynamite, 'e stopped for a minute to 'ave a smoke and charge some motorist for a crime that he hadn't yet invented and that is when the dynamite went off and why we have fireworks tonight.

And that, me ol' sea dogs, is what really 'appened.