Bono
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'Bono'TM, is an entity that exudes high levels of Siailgnias Purpurea via the Xiffifer process he pioneered in concert with the Ju-ju man He is is quite popular in countries that have people, such as America, Ireland, and Western Antarctica. His real name is Paul Hewson, although it was destroyed and rearranged in a radioactive experiment. He is believed to be the one only and true son of the flying spaghetti monster. He has been quoted as saying "I and the Man are One. If you want to see the Man see Me. If you want to see Me see the Man. If you want the Man and Me to See . . . ah, for fook's sake, how many ways can I say it. We're one. OK? 1." Though some people refer to him as Number 2 Bono denies that he was ever Number 2 as he has repeated stated that he is 1. In fact neither Bono nor Ju-ju man understand number 2 references. In fact neither understands the concept of two at all as they both are 1. Both 1's have decreed that henceforth no more 2s will be referred. This is an ironic fact that neither 1 can understand as while they cannot begin to comprehend 2 it is nonetheless the foundation of the Xiffifer process pioneered by 1 which resulted in the creation of three. 1 can see three and 3 and one as well as 1 but none can see to two or 2, too. This is why no 1 is able to decipher the meaning of Xiffifer's Razor which, in short states that all things being equal, you are one without tu making you witho minus (t)(o) leaving you wih, a lifeless entity possessing no potential for existence unless 1 adds one tu to you. This is expressed as a final value known as "U2".
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[edit] Bonography
Before Bono was born (NB: before the universe came into creation) he hung out with God and talked about what he would preach about and how he could eat a whole pie by himself. He had a lot of the flying spaghetti monsters albums. This is where he stole his ideas for songs. Soon after he killed the last and only flying spaghetti monster.it was a terrible day i ate lots of him before he was boned he was buried. The discussion soon descended into an argument and a wager was made between Bono and God on who could get the most followers. God played a nasty trick and left the world free of microphones until the year 33BC. Bono then drugged Mary and pretended he was an angel to show her a get out of jail free card for her unexpected pregnancy. Jesus didn't meet Bono till he was around 9 or so and the two became mates and founded the first rock band called U1. Unfortunately most of the recorded material was lost and any record of Jesus (or Jaysus as Bono liked to call him) between the age of 9 and 33 was lost.
Bono the most important man the world, according to the Irish, and they have dubbed him "King of all the Leprechauns" and he is entitled to free Guinness wherever he goes. The Irish also renamed St Patrick's day St Drinksalot day. They then renamed St Drinksalot day to Bono day. Following a deadly radioactive experiment on Bono's balls, he gave birth to an alcoholic peach.
Then Jesus started hanging out with the wrong crowd and got screwed over by one of his so called mates (believed to be a direct descendant of Bush Jr). Bono got depressed for a while and thus the dark ages came to be. Then he remembered the wager so he invented Guinness and an island of very funny alcoholics with the craic thrown in. U2 was founded in 1916 and the alcoholic isle or "Ireland" got free of the Britain's 2 days later. His mind blowing lyrics such as "I am the sweetest thing", "who's gonna ride me like a wild horse", and "In Gods country...NOT!" soon converted people and animals alike all over the world. Since then Bono has been winning the wager. Bookies are still available to take bets but it is believed the current odds are God- 3,673,950,583:1 and Bono-0.5:1.
Recent news has revealed that he and renowned Voodoo-worshiper Oprah Winfrey plan to get married in the fall of 2009. Of course, they will need to be married in a state that allows gay marriage. Bono remarked on his relationship with Oprah, "She beats Bush."
[edit] Supporting Characters
In Bono's tag-a-long crew of fighters, U2 AKA "Yp-hpp??". These include:
[edit] The Hedge
Real name "Dave Evans", The Hedge is a superhero. He is from the planet Cameltopia, and was born over 6,000,000 hours ago. His guitar is covered with a fine pixie dust that grants his power to stay in U2. He is not bald, he has fashioned his actual hair to look like a hat.
[edit] Not Clay
Real name "Alan". A minor character, Clayton hardly ever gets any 'lines' and usually just stands in the background looking earnest. He was a warrior monk trained by the great Oscar Wilde. He was killed off in the third season pilot episode, even though it's not a TV show. Clayton is known for his incredible coolness, his many glasses and his banana-bass.
[edit] The Drummer
Real name unknown, The Drummer is best known for casting a ring into a mountain during a crossover series titled "The Lord of the Rings". The Drummer was fine until asked a simple question regarding Time. He suffered paradoxical upset as he has no time other than the band. He is currently being treated at a facility called Andalusia.
[edit] Notable History
- 1913: Bono's arrival first prophesied by a young man named Finis Jennings Dake.
- 1954: Bono dies while valiantly flying a mission over Berlin, not realizing that the airlift was six years prior.
- 1950: Becomes THE first ever pompous ass Irishmen sporting a mullet.
- 1955: Bono is born, one year after his death and a full year before his birth. His reputation as a show-off begins to spread.
- 1956: Bono is born again. This was a blatant violation of the intergalactic law of the time, but nobody noticed because Ireland was still completely underground at the time. It was also the subject of the highly controversial Episode #-1, which was also responsible for introducing such apocrypha as space turtles.
- 1961: The Dake Prophesies get widespread attention with first complete publication of the Dake Annotated Reference Bible
- 1964: Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen Jr. win a SAG award for remixing the theme from "The Avengers." Bono smites them both.
- 1966: Bono has trouble paying the rent; re-animates Adam and Larry.
- 1967, April 3rd: Bono's 15th Secret Nativity in the Flesh
- 1970 - 1975 The Golden Age of Bonopoly, where Bono invents lots of things (see below)
- 1972 - Bruce Lee, seeing Bono's ego threatening his death in a catastrophic explosion, makes the Sun a repository for Bono's ego. When in millions of years the Sun engulfs the solar system, it is not as a result of processing heavier elements but as Bono's ego has over-inflated.
- 1984: Adam expends the last of his three wishes, granted for releasing Sting from his imprisonment in a magic lamp, to get a #1 single for his namesake band, Steely Dan. The wish is accepted, and a song from 1980 -- "Five White Swallows" -- becomes #1 on the Billboard charts throughout 1893. Adam gives up, gets drunk, and becomes a Korean woman for seven weeks.
- 1984, attempt 2: Adam gets drunk and arranges to marry Elvis Costello, who at that time is still Elvis. The Edge consults U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Rev. Al Sharpton, Phd., Esq., Inc., who, seeing an opportunity to strike a blow to the reputation of his rival Alex "The Graham" Bell, imposes a ban on "weeks" for five weeks. This gives Larry time to set a pie trap for Elvis. The laser gun fires as expected, and the problem is solved. Adam sobers up in a local opium den.
- 1986: Bono comes out of the closet. Bono realizes that AIDS is not a problem in Africa, every time he claps his hands, a baby will die there.
- 1989: Bono meets the guy that invented Jimi Hendrix and they duel for the Rights to Neptune. The other guy wins but Bono uses his incredible language skills to persuade him to fork over Neptune. He does.
- 1991: After the inevitable success of the book "Mog on Fox Night", about a cat who goes out of the cat flap and finds lots of foxes around, Bono releases another similar book: "Bono on Fox Night", where Bono, Bob Geldof's pet escapes from the under the floorboards, and kills many foxes to sell for personal gain and more guitar equipment for his friend The Hedge.
- 1991: 117 Underpaid illegal homeless Korean Sweatshop children died due to a lethal chemical seeping from the cover of the U2 Album 'Achtung Baby'.
1992: Bono goes back into closet. Finds his virginity.
- 1994: Bono loses his virginity (for the third time) in an incident involving The Edge, the Nazca tectonic plate and seven mutants from Chernobyl.
- 1999: Nothing happened for a while. To raise money for a new pair of sunglasses, Bono decided to release "Bono's Christmas" based around "Mog's Christmas" but with more passionate sex scenes.
- 2004: Buys $5,000,000 sunglasses and sends $45,000 to Africa.
- 2005: Bono's ego now infringes upon the Chinese border. It slowly begins to engulf the one Jesus left behind.
- 2006: AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS AFRICANS!!!
[edit] Controversy
Bono received harsh criticism after what is referred to as the “Pancake fiasco”. After allegedly stealing 10,000 tons of fresh pancake mix from starving Africans, he then immigrated back to his native Ireland where he proceeded to racially slander Scottish people, a mistake, as he was force fed Deep-fried Mars Bars. His downfall seemed to continue after he allegedly drank another man's pint of Guiness by accident, a crime punishable by death in parts of Ireland. He escaped (narrowly due to aforementioned weight gain...) by hiding in a laundry basket until it blew over.
[edit] Glasses
Many people have questioned Bono's glasses. Call them what you may - glasses, spectacles, goggles, googaplexes, skizokromiters, glingotoxitizers, or Specs - but it will remain the same. It has been a large mystery on what they are used for, why they look the way they do, and just why the hell he wears them all the damned time.
Scholars have looked into this, and came up with the following theories:
- Bono is a "Mutant", and requires the glasses to conceal his heat-vision, for if he removes them; he will surely die.
- Bono is an alien sent from outer-space, who uses these glasses to look into human's emotions and deepest feelings, in order to write hilarious songs about them.
- Bono is an Ethiopian in disguise, and conceals his clearly Ethiopian eyes with these shaded goggles, in order to break into government buildings and find classified information about the US Government.
- Bono wears his shades so he can constantly be staring at his own reflection.
None of these theories have yet been proven, but each of them are approximately 94% Likely, except for the Alien one, which is 98% likely.
