From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“What if these disparate elements shared beliefs, joined forces, won a much larger audience, broke out of their intellectual and political ghetto, and became capable of challenging the premises of public life in the United States? This is the frightening prospect, soberly presented by Michael Barkun in his important, just-published book, "A Culture of Conspiracy: Apocalyptic Visions in Contemporary America" (University of California Press, $24.95).”

~ Crazy Bootlickeranoid Daniel Pipes on getting paranoid about a terrible conspiranoid's conspiracy

“Conspiranoids have formed a conspiracy to make us believe that there are conspiracies”

“Yes. This is the only conspiracy that exists

~ Another bootlickeranoid

Bootlickeranoid (from English bootlicker and paranoid). It is said of the person that is sensible and reasonable sheep and realizes that the governments, organizations and enterprises are very oh very good and never make frauds neither they conspire.

A crazy bootlickeranoid knows that, for some strange reason, the governments and enterprises can only plan good things but they never can or they never have interest in planning bad or criminal things. A crazy bootlickeranoid, therefore, knows that condemned people for conspiracy by Tribunals have been victims of a judicial error. It is the bad paw that plays them a conspiranoid judge.


The murder of the president's of USA John F. Kennedy caused a public's answer without precedents. Instead of believe as good sheeps the version of the Commission Warren, many citizens had the stranger and unusual idea that perhaps there is something more in the murder. You raises crows and they took out your eyes. Those citizens that do not believe what the official versions say are very bad and very mischievous.

These crazy bootlickeranoids know that governments are always very oh very good and never never conspire

In search of answers to such a question, there were a series of sociologists and psychologists that took interest for conspiracy theories, that consist in that a citizen has the absurd and ridiculous idea that they are lying him. Despite the very oh very goodness of the politicians!

In search of solutions, they arose and they go on arising crazy bootlickeranoids. One of them is Daniel Pipes. This crazy bootlickeranoid frequently uses the term "conspiracy theory". Because well, he even recognizes that some reports were made for responsibility of the CIA.

The CIA is very oh very good and never makes any evil

It is obvious that the CIA is very oh very good and it worries about the citizens. For that reason it wanted to combat the irrational beliefs, such as the conspiracy theories about Kennedy. However, the CIA has never tried to really combat truly irrational beliefs, such as the Astrology. Some suspicious and bitchy person (the opposite of a lamb good citizen) could say that if the CIA worried about this theories it was, in fact, because this theories were not at all irrational.

The report of the Commission Warren has been contradicted by The United States House of Representatives Select Committee on Assassinations (HSCA), settled down in 1976 that concludes in its final report that the president John F. Kennedy was probably murdered as a result of a conspiracy. That is to say that at least an official commission accepted the probability of a conspiracy. That is to say that the crazy bootlickeranoids was to be more official than the official thing. The same as others are more papists than the Pope.

The Department of Justice, FBI, CIA and the Commission Warren was criticized severely for this Committee for its poor perform in the investigations carried out, and the Secret Service was criticized of faulty in its protection to the President.

But if the word "conspiranoia" already exists something we have to do with it. During centuries the Tribunals have condemned people for conspiracy. But since the word "conspiranoia" was invented, conspiracies no longer exist! How well! It was stupendous to give with so fabulous invention to avoid so much suffering.


Crazy bootlickeranoids have a simplistic vision of the world; all the people are divided in three groups:

1. Utterers of the conspiracy theory. Very oh very bad and that only want to make business selling books or T-shirts.

2. Disclaimers of the conspiracy (that is to say, them). A group of idealistic kind that save the public opinion of absurd theories.

3. Crazy. People that, for mental pathology, believe in the conspiracy theory. This takes in occasions to enlarge the quantity of people with mental dysfunction, even ending up affirming that population's high percentage is crazy.

The crazy bootlickeranoids has a closed system of beliefs. The negation of the conspiracy is a faith immovable. For recognizing the existence of the conspiracy they ask that there are, from the first moment, complete and perfect proofs and that, also, one has a complete and perfect knowledge about all that happened. But for a crazy bootlickeranoid there will never be enough proofs: if he are offered proofs, he will not recognize that they are proofs or he will still request more proofs, indefinitely. Equally he will request a complete knowledge of all details of the conspiracy. The negation of the conspiracy becomes this way an unfalsifiable enunciated. On the other hand, for accepting the official version he will not request perfect proofs neither complete knowledge.

Also, he never accepts the doubt like an intermediate state between the statement and the negation. If the proofs are not enough, it is not worth him with saying: "It could be. It should be investigated". No, if there are not enough proofs, for them that is equal to the negation of the conspiracy. And let us remember that for a crazy bootlickeranoid the proofs that there are will never be enough and he will always request more proofs.

Crazy bootlickeranoids usually appeal to a circular argument: How do we know that the conspiracy theory lacks foundation? Because those persons that sustain it are crazy. How do we know that those persons that sustain the conspiracy theory are crazy? Because they sustain an absurd theory.

The beliefs of crazy bootlickeranoids are a question of faith. There is no proof, of any type or quantity that can convince of their error to crazy bootlickeranoids. Their faith is installed to the margin of the reality and of the reason.


A good crazy bootlickeranoid that is priced is devoted mainly to the following activities:

  • Using arguments ad hominem against those persons that believe a conspiracy theory. The following ones are inside this argument ad hominem.
  • Repeating continually the words "paranoid", "crazy", "moonstruck", "nut", "conspiranoid", etc...
  • Training continually to say the sentence: "Oh, what a laugh! The CIA!", trying to get the appropriate voice tone.
  • Speaking continually about Occam's Razor, although it does not got to do.
  • Assuring, although it is a lie, that people that believes in a conspiracy theory also believes in all the other ones.
  • Requesting to those persons in favor of a conspiracy theory perfect proofs and a complete exact knowledge about what has happened. This, of course, are never demanded to those persons in favor of the official version.
  • Remembering the conspiracy theories with less foundation and forgetting all the other ones.
  • Training in being an expert in the ambiguity and twice as much sense. Imitating the chameleons. As for the conspiracies that have happened, when there is not more remedy, saying: "I have never said that conspiracies do not exist."
  • Not remembering or reminding the less possible thing the conspiracy theories that have been to be true.
  • Denying flatly that, starting from now, it can be discovered some new conspiracy, although in the past they have been discovered many conspiracies.


The favorite argument of crazy bootlickeranoids is calling to the opponent "crazy conspiranoid". This is, evidently, an argument ad hominem. There are two bootlickeranoids classes: those that use this argument preferably and those that only use it.

And how should be called those persons that believe in less conspiracies of those than there is really? Hipoconspiranod? Aconspiranoid? Paranoid of the no-conspiracy?

Brain of bootlickeranoids[edit]

The brain of crazy bootlickeranoids is quite simple. They only have five neurons. For the slogans that they continually repeat they do not need more neurons. The first neuron is for repeating continually: "...Elvis Presley". The second neuron is for repeating continually: "...the Moon". The third neuron is for repeating continually: "Occam's Razor". The fourth neuron is for repeating continually: "...paranoia". And the fifth neuron is for repeating continually: "Oh, what a laugh! Sure, the CIA!".


Crazy bootlickeranoids usually has these qualities:

1. Arrogance, prepotency and a incredible bad blood. Instead of arguing, they are devoted to arguments ad hominem and to ridicule.

2. Implacability. They insist continually in the not existence of the conspiracy. All their arguments summarize in the expression "crazy conspiranoid".

3. Little aptitude to respond questions. They are very poor in their answers to questions about incoherences of the official version.

4. Continuous repetition of certain stock phrases. For example, "crazy conspiranoid", "Sure, the CIA!".

5. Lack of ability of understanding Occam's Razor that they mention continually without getting anything to do.

6. Absolute inability of detecting or recognizing any incoherence neither impossibility in the official version.

7. Selective memory to remember only conspiracy theories with less foundation.

8. Priding of critical thought when they never apply it to the politicians. Before on the contrary, they have a menial and unconditional adhesion to the official version.

9. They are not able to remember a conspiracy theory that has been to be true. If they are remembered, they appeal to: "Where I said I say, Diego says."

10. They are very enthusiastic declaring the conspiracy theories without foundation although they do not have reasons to act this way.

11. They deny flatly included the possibility of the conspiracy, without even examining the proofs, it does not care how many historical precedents there is.

12. They carry to an extreme simplicity. Crazy bootlickeranoids solves all the controversies in a very simple way, only appealing to two words: "crazy conspiranoid."

Methodological analysis[edit]

Bootlickeranoias are usually similar: they present the same structure, they always obey similar psychological impulses, they use the same methodological errors and the same fallacies.

The bootlickeranoia begins with a basic principle: the credulous person, the bootlickeranoid, is convinced previously of a dogmatic truth that invariably coincides with desires, fears and own prejudices that are usually deep and intense. That is to say, the bootlickeranoid confuses the reality with his desires. And his desires are the menial adhesion to the official version. Even when there have been successively contradictory official versions.

The menial adhesion to the governments has a contradictory character: the different governments of different countries are criticized to each other and even, inside one country, a government usually criticizes previous governments of other parties. We see then that a person can be bootlickeranoid in connection with the government of a country and, at the same time, rejects the official versions of governments of other countries.

The bootlickeranoia usually bases on the following principles:

1. Previous conviction of a dogmatic truth: the official version and the conspiracy absence.

2. Differential valuation of indications according to their adaptation to the preconceived idea.

3. Appeal to the incredulity regarding the alternative conspiracy theories to force the only supposedly possible conclusion (the official version).

4. Omission of extraction of certain logical conclusions (or rather, illogical) of the official version, in order to not to have to recognize their unlikelihood.

5. Postulate of a mega-epidemic of madness among those that believe in the conspiracy alternative theory. This is made although population's high percentage is crazy and the psychiatrists have not detected it.

6. Use of explanations "ad hoc" to explain the inexplicable thing.

7. Hypothesis conversion and implicit premises in proven facts and accumulation of advances.

8. Use of moving language, loaded with partiality, directed and full with trials of intentions. He uses continuous sarcasms and the expression “crazy conspiranoid".

9. Use of all type of logical fallacies to support the official version.

10. Mentioning among all alternative theories only the most ridiculous, for also discrediting the other ones.

11. Saying, of course, without foundation, that those persons that believe in a non official conspiracy theory also believe in all the other non official conspiracy theories.

Characteristic of bootlickeranoid theories[edit]

Bootlickeranoid theories usually have these characteristics:

  • The story makes reference to very well-known facts, very newsworthy, even spectacular that forms part of the popular culture.
  • The story is made up of statements that cannot be demonstrated. It is not necessary. If a politician (that are all very oh very good) says it it will be true.
  • The story is a typical Hollywood story of politicians very oh very good and innocent, villains very oh very bad capable of anything and provided of an extreme audacity (for example, Al Qaeda) and conspiranoids very oh very sillies that are able to distrust people so good as the politicians are.
  • A lot before the bootlickeranoia is completely elaborated, the good persons and the bad persons have already been determined and the whole rest of their analysis is guided to demonstrate it. It always begins with the who and why, and then it elaborates the how. The good persons are the politicians, evidently. The bad persons, it is already determined according to their interests.
  • It is necessary the active participation of a quantity of enormous and diverse people so that the bootlickeranoid story is sustained. There is heap of bad persons (for example, Al Qaeda). Then also a heap of paranoids that distrust official version. This, frequently, requires of the existence of mega-epidemics of paranoia.
  • The story spreads to validate the prejudices, fears and suspicions of easily identifiable social sectors (that are evidently those that have made the official version and those that support them).
  • The bootlickeranoia does not contain any uncomfortable idea for the hero of the movie (that is to say, the politicians).
  • The story is incredibly exhaustive in the details but it omits substantial facts, the general square and the historical conditions. And in last term, it is once in simplistic, comfortable end and conformist separate the straw of the grain.
  • Although supposedly there are hundred of presumed experts in favor of the bootlickeranoid thesis, none of them is really excellent in their study field. It is specially recurrent the appeal to “scientific” without specifying their credit and specialty. After everything, to lick the ass to the politicians it is not necessary any professional qualification.
  • Behind the bootlickeranoia there is some very oh very bad villains (the enemies of the politicians in that moment) completely secrecy, with strange intentions. The intentions of the villains are extremely bad, a lot beyond the habitual ones of to reach and to maintain the money and the power.
  • Any weakness of the official version is justified with another even fatter bootlickeranoia, with appeals to the “common sense” or by means of simple ignorant statements. It is frequent to say with jeer tone: "Oh what a laugh! Sure, the CIA!".
  • If the excellent experts contradict bootlickeranoids, it is that paranoia have become or it is that they want to make business selling T-shirt or DVDs. It is obvious that official version never represents a business.
  • The story of the bootlickeranoia supposes that the villains use extremely gnarled, expensive and ineffective methods to reach their objectives; and however, they are always successful, as if their plan was a mechanism of insensitive watchmaking to shortcomings and common surprises in all human activity. Exactly like in the script of a movie not very good.

Moral: In a world full with dangers, it is wonderful to have these politicians very oh very good, supported by their lackey cohort that already tell you what fears are reasonable and which not. If you are afraid of the CIA, that is an irrational fear. If you are afraid of Al Qaeda, that is a very reasonable fear. You should always trusts the politicians and their bootlickers and you will never suffer paranoia.

See also[edit]

External links[edit]