Boron
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“Because nobody doesn't like Molten Boron!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Boron
“Bring out the molten boron, love, my spotted dick's getting cold!”
~ Stereotypical British Family Man on his dessert
“Molten boron, its no good on banoffee pie. However nothing is better for covering manholes.”
~ Small mammal, possibly human on its opinion
Boron (chemical symbol: B) is a chemical element that sounds a bit like Moron. Boron was removed from the Periodic Table in 2002 to avoid unwanted media attention (see: paparazzi) shortly after it was voted the public's favourite element, beating the next most popular, gold by over π votes. It used to be found in its natural habitat on the Periodic Table between carbon and opium, but has since relocated to a house in Chelsea.
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[edit] History
Originally named Snoozium on the periodic table of elements, Boron is widely known as the least remarkable of all elements. The name was changed in 1975 due to pressure from the Excitementally Negative Element & Metal Associate (ENEMA). At this time the symbol on the periodic table was also changed from the original Zz. The lobbyists were also funded in part by what was to become the National Boron Council because, according to the Director Fanny Wigglebottom, "Boron rhymes with moron. The name Snoozium unfairly excludes this element from inclusion in taunts."
Boron was first discovered by the Ancient Egyptians in 1453, when the then pharoah Ptolemy was a-wandering in the Nile Delta. It is said that a small basket containing the baby element was uncovered in some bulrushes, but this claim is yet to be verified. He immediately put it to use in a great many stews, cakes and pies.
The element continued to be in mainstream use until it was unfortunately lost somewhere in the 18th century, and went almost unknown for hundreds of years, until 1954, when it was accidentally stumbled upon by Albert Einstein, who helped to thrust it back into the limelight it holds today.
Boron was also once responsible for a movement which nearly saw the end of space-time as we know it. Carbon and its allies fought against Boron in what came to be known as The Periodic Table Wars.
[edit] Appearance & Chemical Properties
Boron in its natural state appears dull and boring (hence the name 'boron'), and has very few properties of worth (see: Jade Goody). Instead, it is the element's marvellous flexibility as a culinary ingredient that has earned its widespread acclaim.
[edit] Boron in Food
Boron appears in a great many dishes, in fact, it is hard to name any food that does not contain this versatile element to some extent.
It features as a main ingredient in:
- Morons
- Molten Boron
- Toad in the Hole
- Sticky Toffee Pudding
- Trifle
- Milk
- Jesus Juice
- Borax
- Borat
- Special Sauce
- Lobster Thermidor
- Spam
It can also be used as a sauce for meats such as turkey, beef, Spam and whale.
[edit] Other Uses
Boron has other, less important uses, e.g.:
[edit] Boron and Science Lessons
Due to its inherent stability, boron can be used in school laboratories as a multiphasic reactionary depressant. In other words, it is used by mean, un-fun chemistry teachers to make science boring.
The applications of boron in a school laboratory environment are flexible and wide-ranging. It can be used to dim the brilliant flare that magnesium makes when it burns; to stabilize the noisy and exciting reactions between volatile chemicals; and to transmute brightly colored liquids into plain water and multicolored crystals into white powder. Stronger dilutions of liquid boron are even capable of rendering hydrochloric acid harmless, and a solid boron prism will refract rainbows back into white light.
[edit] Boron & The Media
Boron was catapulted into the public eye after its rediscovery by Einstein in 1954. Since then it has appeared on numerous TV shows, including:
- Big Brother
- Newsnight
- Crimewatch
- Futurama
- The David Letterman Show
[edit] Possible Health Risks
Molten Boron is, fundamentally, a molten semi-metallic element and should under no circumstances be eaten, drunk or inhaled, unless the person in question wishes to experience the side effects (including: nausea, impotence, death) and the pleasant, nutty taste that only Molten Boron can give.
"Because Nobody Doesn't Like Molten Boron!"
Russian scientists believe boron may be highly toxic as nearly all those who helped cover the Chernobyl reactor core with it have since died.
