Boston, Massachusetts
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Now, ya see, Bwoast'n is dis city, thas in Mass'chs'tts. It's ne-ah tha wahtuh, an' um, peoples lives thay-uh.
They's got beans 'nd chowdah anna whoole lotta construction. Guv'mint says th' Big Dig s'gonna be done soon, but all 'm seein is DETOUR.
I ain't too good at writin, so I'se gonna try tuh make dis unnastanable.
Contents |
[edit] Tha People
Peoples is alwys mad at somb'dy. Cyach 'em without 'eir cyoahfee an' you best be runnin.
Der's diff'rent kin's uh people thayuh.
- Da Doctors
- See 'em walkin aroun' lunchtime wit whi-yit coats and flat shoes. Dey comin pairs an' usually found in Longwood.
- Commuters
- Come evr'yday alla t'same time an' leaves at t'same time. Busy, busy all th' time. Gets real mad when you's in da way.
- Construction Workers
- They's ev'rywayuh. Doin tha Big Dig thing.
- Cops
- Cops s'got nothin betta tuh do than sit aroun an' glare at people who ain't doin nothin. S'lots of traffik, so they watches and eats donuts.
- Dogs
- Dogs get elektrkooted. They's just walkin along, doin der ting, when BAM! dead.
Anna course, der's....
[edit] Them College Kids
“We Had to Cancel the Boston gig; but don't worry, it's not a big college town.”
~ Spinal Tap on Boston Colleges
They thinks they's so cool, sittin aroun' smokin an' actin like they's better than evr'yone. Come from all ovah an' crowd da T.
S'lots of colleges inna Bwoast'n.
People alwys thinka Havvid and MIT whenna think uh Bwoast'n. But they's too good fo us and moved tuh Caymbridge. Most uh da colleges in Bwoast'n ah Jewish now o-ah somtin. Lil' and evr'ywayuh and all made outta brick.
[edit] Th' Big Dig
Th' Big Dig is dis projeck dat was stahtid a long time ago. It was asposed t'be done forevah ago, but i'is still goin on. Cranes is ev'rywheres an' y'never know which road s'gonna be open t'day. Guv'mint dun believe inna detour signs eeda, they jus' make tha road go anothah way fo no reason.
Taxpayer's money s'goin to alla this, anna guv'mint makes tunnels that leak 'nd bridges tha drop ice on cars an' nearly kill peoples. They even got th' ceilin collapsin in an killin folks.
Course can't stop naow, alla roads are wicked messed up. Piles uh dirt ev'rywayuh an' dem cones an' partitiony-thingies. Geez.
[edit] Drivin'
Nob'dy in Bwoast'n knows 'ow ter drive. But th' turrists drive even wors'. They go wicked slow an' theyah aah always lost 'n stuff. Jus' cuz a city's got narrah, windin' roads an' lotsa rote'ries dun'nt mean ya gotta drive aroun' like some idiot.
Also, pedestr'ans get run ovah if they's in the road when it's green. 'Acourse they can run real good, so peoples don't get hurt, usually.
In traffik, people get wicked angry and they yell an' flip each othah off. Road rage an' all that.
If you really wanna get a wicked bout of swearin', make someone spill their cyoafee. Yer really in fer it then.
Once finished drivin', it is required by Boston-Law to "paahk the caahr in th bwoast'n yaahd."
[edit] Th' Sites of Baahstin
Theya's aahl Kindsa stuff ta do in Baahstin. Sumthin' fer evereeywun.
[edit] Fanyool Hall
Ev'rybody thinks Fanyool Hall is so great, but nobody c'n even spell it. Dagnabbit, why they gotta go namin nashunal landmark things funny. S'not much uvva lanmark anyhow. Just a bunch o' food places stuck inna narrow buildin. Like some ol' ghetto mall. Den all the monster corp'ration stores is outside. Who s'gonna travel to Bwoast'n to see some kinda rickety mall-place? Not me.
[edit] RED SOX
Ev'rybody loves the Red Sawx. An' if they doesn't, we beats them up. Yankee-lovers go to 'ell. Hayuck, Yankee-sympathizers c'n go t'hell too.
Whenna Red Sawx is at Fenway, ev'ryone comes ta Bwoast'n. Ev'ryone. Ev'n yer granma who's been inna wheelchay-uh since 'er stroke.
One o' dese days, de Green Monster s'gonna eat t'Yankees. All uv their no'good, rotten be'inds.
Fer a long time, th' Red Sawx were cursed. Obv'sly it wan'nt thayuh faul' they nevuh won. Fin'lly they won th' World Series... WOO YEAH! GO SAWX!! 1918!! REVERSE THE CURSE!! YEAH!! an' tha curse was broke'.
Th' Sawx is abou' t'only thing tha' Bosto'ians c'n agree abou'.
GO SAWX!!
[edit] Th' MFA
This place gots wickid pissa Jipchin stuff, but I red'n Daglobe 't Eejip thinks its ripped ahf! So MFA's gotta prove it came from Prahvidince. MFA is shoaht foahm fuh da wuhds "Motha Fuckn Aht."
[edit] Patri'ts
Pats is th' footbawl team. Theysa dawn in Fawxburrah. They git all them good playahs wit no cuuhses so that we can have a winnin' team heah in Bawstun. Theys pays us to goes up to a Nu Yak wit' a videotape recorda and tape dem Jet, Jiants, an' the rest of 'em.
[edit] The T
The T is an overcrowd'd system. Ev'ryone s'tryin t'get way-uh they wanna go, and right friggin now. Problem is, there's not enough room. Sometimes it's even haahd to breath, theyah aah so many people on t'friggin' thinhg.
They used t'have tokens, but naow they've got dese ticket things and new doo-ahz like we're onna Star Trek or something, s'achuly wicked cool. The tickets is called "CharlieTickets", named fo some guy who got stuck on tha T forevah.
S'alright sometimes, but mostly jus' a pain in de chowdah-lovin' neck.
An, o'coahse, S'allays woahse wen iys rush houaah oah when da Sox is playin'.
[edit] Log'n
Log'n is da ayrpor' thas in Bwoast'n. 'T's innanashunal 'nd pretty big. Th' planes on Septembuh Uhlevnth styartid heah an' so th' secur'ty makes ya take off yer shoes'n'stuff.
[edit] Chinatown
Chinatown is wayuh all de Chineez aah. They's got some good rest'rants, buhchyuu gotta be careful thayuh. Chineez aah dang'rous. Coul' get mugged oah murdahed.
[edit] Histor'cal Stuff
Theyis once dis paahty, somethin' t'do with teay, oah Da T. Idunno. Theyis also once dis big waah up on da Bunkah Hill, only t'wayasn't on Bunkah Hill, but da one befoah it. Der was a Rev'lution once. Styarted righ' heah in Bwoast'n, oah Reveah, oah somthin. Anyhow, tha' was a long time ago. But them tourists keep comin heah. Fer th' "hist'ry" 'nd whatnot.
Moah Impoahtant Hist'ry:
- Da Fihst Woahld Seawies! - Rite Heaah in Bwoast'n.
- Cheeahs - Filmed in Bwoast'n.
- The Curse is Reversed! - Da Sox fin'lly win agai'. Go Sox!
[edit] Th' Bahst'n Bommun 'f 2007
File:Turn it up for you.jpg
“We do whatever we want whenever we want, at all times.”
~ Ignignokt
Eahly inna yeah 2007, summun notic'd sump'n dat looked lika bomb. They called da cops, who caim owt and blowed it up witha bommskwahd. It'uz groawndbreakin' nooz fer weeks. Hunnreds uh peeple were late ta werk b'cuz of it. Turns out it wuzza ad campaine all along. Theyaz a moovey commun' owt, some Akwa Hungah Foase Teens oah somp'n liek 't.
The Mayuh Menino wuz all mad, he called da Turner Broahdcahstin' Nettwerk, who run Cahtoon Nettwerk, who play da show. He maed'm pay a wicked huge fine fer alla disrup'n 'n stuff. They's also charg'n these two collij kids fer the whole thin'. They'ud bin the unz owt wit' da signs 'n stuff. Weth any luck, they'ull have thuh book throw'n at 'em when they's sent tuh jail.
“We set them up the bomb!”
~ Err
[edit] Dunkin' Donuts
“Rumors of "America runs on Dunkin's" have been greatly exaggerated.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dunkin' Donuts
Dunkin' Donuts mus' put crack in'er donuts or somtin, cuz they's ev'rywayuh. All t'street cornah's got one. Starbuck's izza rival fo t'cyoahfee, but no Krispy Kreme s'gonna be takin our Dunkin' Donuts.
Cawse, tuh othuh grea' ting in Bahstin is Aw Bahn Payn, But Starbuck's gunna neah put dem outa' business!
[edit] Pigeons
Nasty vermin aah ev'rywayuh. Only thing tuh do is kick them. They'd rob ya if dey could.
[edit] Weathuh
"If you dun like th' weathuh, jus' wait a lil' an' it'll change."
~ Oscah Wil'e on Weathuh
Weathuh does what it likes. Mos' of t' time, in da wintah, i's cloudy. Sun don' shine in da wintah. Get dese awful storms, like da Blizzid of 78. People died, da innastate was dayown, jus' terr'ble.
In da summah, hyoomid. Gets so hot an' so haahd ta breathe.
[edit] The Hub
Bahstin is known as da Hub because it was da cenner of da yoonivahse. Dis was confahmed ta Salvador Dali by a visitashin from da Flying Spaghetti Monster. Howevuh, doo ta the uth's coawntinennal drift, the cennah has relocated ta Perpignan, France. Booooo!!
[edit] Basic Rules for Driving in Boston (subject to change at any time)
- Always look right and left before proceeding through a green light.
- When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow for oncoming traffic to pass.
- Never, ever stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
- The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
- Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
- Double-park in the North End of Boston and South Boston, unless triple-parking is available.
- Always look both ways when running a red light.
- Honk your horn the instant the light changes.
- Breakdown lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour. Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams as people merge back in.
- If you should break down, allow your vehicle to come to a stop in the center lane. If road conditions are hazardous, exit your vehicle, without looking, and stand next to it, with your back to oncoming traffic.
- Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
- To signal a lane change, look in the direction you're about to go, as you do so. Wearing a baseball cap is considered an extra safety measure.
- Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
- Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up loudly and chase them up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.
- On a multi-lane highway, always drive in the left lane, even if there are others wanting to pass. Stay in the left lane until the last possible instant before cutting across all lanes to the exit.
- When making a left turn at an intersection with a red light, glare at the oncoming drivers, inch your way into the intersection, and floor it when the green light from the other direction turns yellow.
- When merging, floor it, as you hit the "on ramp" and proceed immediately to the farthest left hand lane.
- When road conditions are hazardous, swerve in and out of lanes, to pass slower moving vehicles.
- Communicating with other drivers and pedestrians is important. Gesture often.
- The farthest right lane is reserved for passing. The farthest left lane is reserved for slower moving vehicles.
- Always bring your cell phone with you. Highway driving is a perfect time to chat with your friends and loved ones.
- If you miss your exit, stop abruptly and back up.
- When another car pulls up close behind you and "flashes their brights", its a New Yorker, slam on your breaks.
- When entering a tunnel, always slow down and pause before entering, even if there is no traffic or reason for delay.
- When faced with a lane detour, due to construction, always pass as many complying vehicles as possible, wait until the last possible second, then swerve into the specified lane.
- Be prepared for abundant construction detours.
- Taxi Cab drivers are highly trained professionals. Observe and learn from their masterful techniques and driving skills.
- Only those pedestrians not looking where they're going, head and eyes fixed firmly forward, are allowed to cross in front of traffic. Be sure to "break" hard and stop as close to them as possible.
- Tip: Only pedestrians crossing within "Cross Walks" have legal rights. Pedestrians outside of "Cross Walks" are "fair game".
