Boston Red Sox

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Boston Red Sox.

The city of Boston welcomes visiting New York Yankee fans at Fenway Park.

The Boston Red Sox are pimpin on dees hoes. Rulin the basebizzle wizzle fo shizzle bizzle yeaaaaahhhhhh booyyyyyyyy! On the other hand, the Boston Red Sox are, to many, proof that Satan exists. This diabolical horde and its minions conduct their loathsome rituals at a place called Fenway Park. New Yorkers routinely attempt to get the Air Force to nuke this place, but the Air Force seems reluctant to do so, which leads most New Yorkers to believe that at least one of this country’s armed forces are in league with the devil.

[edit] History

[edit] Early history

The Red Sox were once only a concept, created by Yoko Ono as part of the Fluxus Art Movement. After forcing the destruction of the Beatles, Ono decided to turn the concept of the Red Sox into a reality in order to torture Bostonians with a reminder of her hatred of them. To achieve her desired effect she actually had to invent the team in the past so that whole generations could feel the pain.

Deciding that they still wanted some sort of career, the former Beatles joined the Red Sox in 1908 and led them to several World Series Championships. Once Yoko Ono discovered in 1918 that the Beatles were still together as a baseball team, she convinced Paul McCartney that John Lennon was a better song writer. Enraged, McCartney shot Lennon and fled to the Dark Side in the New York Yankees, leaving only Ringo Starr, Sean Connery, and R2D2 to carry the Red Sox team.

[edit] The Curse

As John Lennon lay on the outfield grass of Fenway Park, blood seeping into the ground, looking up at his once dear friend Paul, he cursed the Red Sox for all time. His now famous last words were: "We're more popular than Jesus now; I don't know which will go first, rock 'n' roll, Christianity, or the Red Sox." In the ensuing years, as McCartney went on to make hit after hit with the Yankees and Hookers, Ringo and his "all-stars" went on to flounder miserably.

[edit] History of the Jedi

In 1950, while sitting around eating Clam Chowdah, three prominent members of Boston society decided that Boston would be the ideal place to see their dreams come true. It was the future Ghost of Johnnie Cochran who suggested that the group wear red socks so that they could identify each other. Bobby Oah agreed, but John F. Kennedy Jr. said he would only join up if the group would have some credibility on the streets. Thus, the name of the group was changed from "Red Stockings" to "Red Sox". Adams called the first meeting on the 29th of March 1951, with 35,569 people in attendance.

In 1954, a man named Darth Vader used the force of the NBA and the LPGA to put down the Red Sox movement in Boston. He thought he had succeeded, but he was mistaken. The Ghost of Johnnie Cochran vowed not to rest until the Red Sox had conquered the world, Middle-Earth, and San Andreas.

For a while, the Red Sox suffered terrible season after terrible season, they even sacrificed Jar Jar Bings to try to reverse the curse and that Jar Jar is an annoying shit. But, the club realized that they needed people that didn't suck to achieve their goals of conquering the world.

It was then that Cochran had a brilliant idea. He would disguise his movement as a baseball team. Cochran recruited noted baseball stars like Johnny Damon and Curt Schilling to achieve victory.

[edit] The End of the Curse

Did you know...

The Red Sox had won games 2, 3, and 4 against the Indians by cheating with Laser guided baseballs, Untraceable steroids and bats with a GPS system inside them.

In the most holy year of 2004, after years of pain and suffering, the Red Sox and their fans had their relief. Former Beatle George Harrison, who had been forgotten in this article up to this point, came forward with great news. He had recently read Einstein's theory of General Relativity, and come to understand that in a universe where this theory is true, time could not exist. Therefor, John Lennon's curse of the Red Sox "for all time" was null and void. That very year, Red Sox slugger David "Big Papi" Ortiz ate every member of every opposing team and left the Sox as the Champions of the World!

It was that same year, Adams and his baseball team succeeded in winning the World Series. Adams, satisified with this victory, returned to his grave.

In 2005 a war broke out between the Boston Red Sox, and their hated communist rivals, the Chicago White Sox. The Red Sox used their immense income in an attempt to win the war, but ultimately failed. At the Battle of the Green Monster, the White Sox over came their Jedi adversaries. The Red Sox then leaked to the press that the White Sox had been involved in illegal kitten huffing activities prior to the war. And worshiped to Hitler The defeated Red Sox returned to planning, some of them going to Cloud City for some Jack Daniels, until they can find a way to overthrow their sworn enemies.

[edit] Recent years

The day the World Ends so no the Cubs never do win the World Series

Today, the Boston Red Sox still operate as both a baseball team, and a Jedxi organization attempting to take over the world. Their primary source of revenue comes from the sale of merchandise with their logo on it, such as t-shirts, baseball caps, and Guns. On April 5, 2007 the Red Sox organization declared ESPN its bitch.

[edit] Notable Red Sox

Johnny Damon (circa 2004)

• David Cone (Played with the Red Sox for 25 games as a Starting Pitcher in the 2001 PLB Season)
• Dennis Eckersley (Started with the Red Sox in 1978 ended after the 1983 season)
• Hideo Nomo (Played with the Red Sox in Pro League Baseball since 2001)
• Brian Rose (Now Played with the Louisville Bats affiliated with AAA: Cincinnati Reds)
• Dane Cook (Every team needs an unfunny bitch boy.....)
• Cunt Schilling (Played with the Red Sox in Major League Bloodbath and Pro League Baseball since 2004)
• David Whoretease (Reffered to as "Big Papi", which translated into English is "Giant, Homosexual Moose")
• David Cone (I know he's already on the list, but he's so damn good)
• Manny Ramirez (Faggot who gets injured at the end of every season; rapes little boys)
• Theodore Samuel "Ted" Williams (head frozen in a lab somewhere - or is it his body other than his head that's frozen in that lab?)
• George Herman "Babe" Ruth (sold to another entity, which caused a "curse" on the Red Sox, they really just needed an excuse for sucking balls for 86 years)
• Daisuke Matsuzaka (has an assortment of 100 different pitches, including a pitch that can time travel, most of which he cannot throw for strikes, which we can all tell from the indians game)
• John Cena (the 1st-36th team he signed with, ).
• Kevin Useless (Notable for having the most unfortunate facial hair in baseball even tho it happens to not make it to the top of his head).
• Jonathan Paplebon (Red Sox closer who dances around in his underwear to ward off the spirit of George Steinbrenner).
• Kike Lowell A greedy red sox dude who cost 9 billion dollars a year. The "Bankees" could have gotten him if Pay Rod went to the Redsox.
• Dustin Pedroia (The 1' 5" Pedroia flourished after trading his facial hair to Kevin Youkilis)
• Coco Crisp (The REAL gay-looking tool)

[edit] People often mistaken for Red Sox

• Cincinnati Reds
• Chicago White Sox
• Boss
• Ton
• Red
• Socks
• Chicago White Sox
• Lipstick Lesbians
• Anybody making an ass out of themselves in public

[edit] Not for actual use!

After being made famous in that retarded movie fever pitch, every red sox fan wanted yankee toilet paper. Luckily for them it was available at a funny website. But unbeknownst to them the creator was a yankee fan and put poison ivy on every roll, which then gave all the red sox fans horrible rashes on their assholes. If you watch a re-run of a game after the movie came out you can see all the red sox fans dancing around in their seats from their itchy assholes. Ok the last part never happend, because the creator is actually a Toronto Maple Leafs fans. But you can still get the toilet paper