Bounty Paper Towel
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“Never have I seen something pick up so much crap.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bounty Paper Towel
“A woman giving birth doesn't need towels! all she needs is one sheet of Bounty!”
~ Surgeon on Bounty Paper Towel
“I'm going to fucking bury that thing, I have done it before, and I will do it again... I'm going to fucking kill™ Bounty Paper Towel!”
~ Steve Ballmer on Bounty Paper Towel
“No, you're a towel!”
~ Britney Spears on Bounty Paper Towel
| |
| Rank: | 24th |
| Predecessor: | Red Green |
| Successor: | Admiral Donce |
| Date of Birth: | April 2, 2010 |
| Place of Birth: | Bounty Factory, Ontario |
| Spouse: | Charmen Ultra |
| Political Party: | Clean Party |
Bounty Paper Towel was the 24th Prime Minister of Canada. He ruled from 2010 to 2014. His biggest contribution to the nation of Canada is widely disputed to be Quicker Picker-upper Act.
Contents |
[edit] Early Life
Bounty P. Towel was manufactured in a local Canadian factory where he enjoyed the first several hours of his life in fancy packaging. His life took a huge turn when he and hundreds of his siblings (poor mother) were shipped to stores all over Canada. He spent the next better part of his life in an elaborate paper towel display. He eventually came to know a roll of Charmen Ultra, they got married within days of meeting one another.
[edit] Early Political Career
His first steps towards becoming Prime Minister came when Red Green (the current Prime Minister of the time) bought him to clean up an embarrassing coffee spill on his new Red Green uniform. Bounty P. Towel got to know the ins and outs of the Canadian political system as he observed telephone calls taken on the kitchen phone. There he enjoyed sucking huge cocks and pussys. when his mother found out, she made him wipe up the cum, and he did-- with only one sheet!
[edit] Prime Minister
In an ill twist of fate, Red Green died during his last days in office. Towel took this as a chance for him to gain the power he had dreamt of ever since his hefty cleaning fibers were packed together. He gathered together a group of followers created of various politically minded janitors. They formed what came to be known as the Clean Party. Days before the elections his name was secretly scribbled onto thousands of ballots. Since no one cared for the other candidates Bounty Paper Towel won by a landslide.
[edit] Quicker Picker-upper Act
This may have been the greatest of all achievements by Bounty P. Towel. Somehow he got the government to pass a law outlawing all other cleaning products that aren't from Bounty. Though some may think it was a big mistake it actually helped the entire nation become more healthier thanks to the quick picking up action that Bounty gives.
[edit] Space Exploration
Bounty P. Towel established the first ever Canadian Deep Space Program. The organization was told to get a man into space within seven days. They did it, but know one has ever heard from those lost souls ever again. but then again bounty sucks and no one should use it.
[edit] Pennies for All!
In an effort to help with rising inflation, Towel changed all Canadian currency to be worth one US penny. Now there was a reason to spend those worthless things rather then collect them in a jar.
[edit] Kitten Huffing
Towel became the first Canadian Prime Minister to make kitten huffing legal in all provinces and territories.
[edit] Ninja-Pirate Law
Established that all pirates and ninjas must fight all the time in Canada. And he meant ALL THE TIME. The penalty for fighting outside of Candian borders was dog huffing, which everyone knows isn't half as satisfying as kitten huffing. So if you're a ninja, and you wanna kick some pirate ass, go to Canada and put an ad in the paper, sooner or later you'll get a reply from a pirate who wants to do the same thing and you can meet somewhere and fight it out. Gods pissed, and has to clean it up. Guess what god uses to clean it up?
| Preceded by: Red Green | Prime Minister of Canada 2010-2014 | Succeeded by: Admiral Donce |
| Prime Ministers of Canada | 
| |
|---|---|---|
| Macdonald | Mackenzie | Abbott | Thompson | Bowell | Tupper | Laurier | Borden | Meighen | King | Bennett | St. Laurent | Diefenbaker | Pearson | Trudeau | Clark | Turner | Mulroney | Campbell | Chrétien | Martin | Harper | ||
