Bowser Koopa

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Frau Bowser (artist's rendition).
File:BowserNSMBU.png
Bowser, King of the Koopas

King Bowser Koopa (commonly known as Bowser) is the leader of the Koopa Troop and the main antagonist of the Mario series, and the first one to kidnap Princess Peach, and final boss of many, but not all, of the Super Mario video games developed by Nintendo. This incarnation of the Koopa King comes from the infamous Philips CD-I Mario title, Hotel Mario. In this, he and his seven koopaling children took over the Mushroom Kingdom and held the Princess hostage in the Koopa Hotels. Bowser dared Mario and Luigi to find her if they could. Ultimately, Bowser was defeated by the Mario Bros. in a final showdown, and the game ends with him falling to his doom and his hotel disappearing in a cloud of smoke. In fact, 99.7% of all Mario games involve him kidnapping the princess either physically, mentally, or emotionally. The other 00.3% are the ones where she runs away with him, concieves baby Bowser, and goes crying back to Mario. A good thing to know is that the Koopa word is pronounced similiarly as the Polish word "kupa", which means "poop".

Biography[edit]

Early Life[edit]

Most people don't know this, but Koopas were originally Pokemon living in Can't-oh. Frau Bowser was one such pokemon, caught and trained by a trainer named Kamek. Finally, at level 56 the Koopa eveolved into its second stage, King Koopa. This never happened before, because Koopas are the hardest to train (unlike Magikarp) and most trainers don't even bother catching them. But Kamek had the patience of a Zen master.

Frau Bowser is very embarrassed by this part of his past, and rarely aknowledges it. In fact, he edited all his pictures, videos, and games, so he looked like his son Bowser Jr., instead of a lowly Koopa.

The Great Exodus[edit]

Being the very first Koopa to ever evolve, and with his suggestive name, he declared himself the leader of all Koopa-kind. And since most of the Koopas were weak dumbshits, none of them challenged this. The ones who actually might've had a shot at being ruler were just too stupid to realize they had a shot, and so they were forgotten fairly quickly. After ruling the Koopas in harmony in Can't-oh for several years, he suddenly had a vision. In his dream, Digdug along with the four pacman ghosts were onboard the Deathstar. They told him that he and the koopas must travel to the promised land, the Mushroom Kingdom, while throwing pasta and condoms at each other. Interestingly, this "religous vision" happened right when Frau Bowser had his first taste of LSD.

Bowser's wife. Probably explains why he rapes so many princesses

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And so, he gathered ever single koopa, and together they built an ark. But then Gerald Robotnik stole it and used it as a space colony. So then the koopas just built a boat. After a long, hard voyage, they finally made it to their promised land...or so they thought.

The first rebellion[edit]

At first Bowser and his people were warmly welcomed. But soon, the Mushroom Kingdom apartheid became apparent and the Koopas were treated as second-class citizens. And so, Bowser rallied up his Koopas and allied himself with other oppressed minorities, such as goombas, Waddle-dees, and Gorgonites. Bowser and his forces did manage to defeat the conventional forces and capture princess Peach. Bowser was about to punish her in various kinky ways, until him and his army were suddenly smashed by Mario and Green Guy.

Why he's called Bowser, not Fat Turtle Soup Manz[edit]

During his early years in the Mushroom Kingdom, the Koopa got his first non-DSL internet connection and became totally fascinated by it. He would spend 29 hours a day at search engines looking through random websites. Thus, he was given the nickname "Browser". However, at this time Mario was a novice to the English language, and mispronounced his name as "Bowser". And since Mario is the man, this became King Koopa's name for all eternity. Hey, it was that or just being called "Koopa", and let's face it, the name is pretty gosh-darn cool.

Another theory was that when he was in Australia, people called petrol pumps as "bowsers", so they called him a "motorhead". But that led to them calling "Bowser" when he returned to Australia.

His never-ending struggle[edit]

Despite his loss, Bowser continues to war with the Mushroom Kingdom again and again. He consistently attacks with one devious plot after another, such as kidnapping Peach and going into space, or kidnapping Peach and turning her supposed father into some random animal, or kidnapping Peach and clubbing Mario in the kneecaps. But no matter what, he was always beaten by Mario, Chuck Norris or Link. But no matter how many times he is beaten, or how limited his tactics are, he continues his struggle for two reasons. One, his people along with other minorities must obtain their basic human rights no matter what. Two, he had another "vision" where Mappy used King Hippo as a race horse in Mordor and told Bowser that he and Peach were destined to be together, that no means yes and that he has not got OCD, he´s just really really asprational... Yes, LSD has had a negative effect on his way of thinking indeed.

The Many Crimes of Bowser[edit]

Bowser has done a lot of crimes in the past such as....

  • Encouraging his kids to forge hate letters, send them to Big Bird, and kill him.
  • Invading The Preggo Kingdom and killing millions of its residents.
  • Humping Prof. Lepus while on his adventure.
  • Devouring 19 of his own kids as a part of cannibalism.
  • Beating the crap out of Pikachu that son of a bitch!

Role in Achille12345 videos[edit]

Before Pokémon Tournament[edit]

Bowser made very few appearances before the Pokémon Tournament arc. In The Last Stand Against Weegee, he was one of The King's two weakest fighters, along with Link, and was easily destroyed by Weegee. In Super Guns Fight he wielded a minigun and killed several minor members of the Good Team before being defeated by a Fisherman.

In the Pokémon Tournament Arc[edit]

File:Bowser.png
Bowser in the game Hotel Mario

Bowser appears significantly more formidable in this series. He owns two incredibly powerful Pokemon: a shiny Kyurem named Ass Kicker which has a powerful special attack named Ass Kicking (which is obviously made up), and a shiny Arceus named My Princess able to cast Flames of Judgement(another made up attack), a giant beam of fire  which seems to be effective against phoenixes like Mario's Ho-oh, Princess.

Bowser defeated Mario's team with ease, humiliating the plumber and causing Princess Peach to fall in love with him instead. Mario and Luigi therefore make an alliance with Ganon and formulate a plan to kill Bowser. Ganon would distract Bowser while Mario and Luigi charged an incredibly powerful attack.

After obtaining a small power boost from Link Nukem's Triforce of Power, Ganon squared off against Bowser. The turtle dragon put up a tough fight, but with the help of his minions Ganon seemed to claim victory. However, Princess Peach's love allowed Bowser to turn into a final form, Insane Bowser, tearing Ganon and his minions apart just in time for Mario and Luigi to fire their Anti-Bowser Beam. The Koopa King avoided the attack at first, but it bounced off of a peeing Link Nukem and came back at him from behind, dealing tremendous damage and knocking Bowser out.

Princess Zelda found the unconscious Bowser's body in the Mushroom Kingdom and looted what is presumed to be his two strongest Pokémon. Bowser woke up at that moment, but was unceremoniously shot and overkilled by a random dancing archer. Whether he was killed for good and will miss his Pokemon match with Zelda in the semi-finals (which would grant Zelda victory by default) or come back to life once again later on and make it back to the tournament is currently unknown.

Powers and abilities[edit]

In battle, he rides his floating Koopa Clown Car, which fires lasers from its eyes and has an impenetrable deflector shield. He can be difficult to hit even in his normal state (Calm Bowser) because the deflector shield can only be broken by a character with the Shield Breaker skill. Otherwise, the only way to damage him is deflecting the highly damaging Mecha Koopas he throws. These Mecha Koopas deal damage equal to half the target's maximum HP when they connect.

File:Angry Bowser.png
Angry Bowser uses his Clown Deadly Tackle

In his second form, Angry Bowser, his attack and speed rapidly grows. Even worse, his already powerful attacks all have extra effects, such as becoming stronger every time he uses them, granting him an extra turn or healing him. His Clown Deadly Tackle slams all enemies, doubles his attack power and allows him to attack twice on the next turn. Giant Ball of Doom hurls a deadly metal ball on an enemy from above, dealing tremendous damage, healing Bowser, and increasing the damage of his next Mecha-Koopa by 50%. He also has several powerful fire abilities, such as Super Fire Breath, which additionally boosts the power of the next Fire attack; and the one-use Limit Break Blaze of Fury, in which one opponent is punched rapidly with flaming fists before all opponents get razed by a wave of flames. He can still throw Mecha Koopas, and now if they are deflected at him he can throw them back again.

His final form, Insane Bowser, requires the power of love to activate. This form is incredibly powerful and fittingly completely insane, using a variety of Internet memes to attack. He can use "Going Rambo" to pull out two machine guns and dish out tremendous multi-hit damage on foes. He also has Death Awaits, which allows him to counterattack for ten turns on lower-level enemies and sets his mane ablaze. The counter in question is OBJECTION!, which cancels out the opponent's attacks. He follows up with FUS RO DAH!, canceling all of his opponents' stat boosts and stunning them. His Limit Break, Ultimate Clown, boosts his attack twentyfold by turning his Koopa Klown Kar into a massive battleship. After his Limit Break, he can unleash Certain Kill - which was somehow learned from Link Nukem - which fires an insane amount of laser beams that deal around 15 billion HP in damage to all opponents, which was an instant total party wipe for Ganon.

Pictures[edit]

File:CertianKill.png
Bowser's "Certain kill" attack.

Trivia[edit]

  • During Insane Mode, Bowser's level is 1666. The number 666 is the number of the devil in the Christian Bible.
  • In Insane mode, the expression of his Koopa Clown Car changes to various ragefaces, like the awesome face, "No." face, RAEG face and others.
  • Bowser's OBJECTION! attack during his final form is based on a quote from Phoenix Wright.
  • Fus Ro Dah is a shout in Skyrim.
  • Going Rambo obviously refers to the Rambo movies.
  • The dancing archer who shot down Bowser is from Forbidden Forest 3.
  • When Bowser uses Certain Kill, he says: "And now, you die!" This is Chilled's voice from DBZ Abridged: Episode of Bardock.
  • Bowser's skill level in CD-I Super Guns Fight is equal to 70/150 (Elite)

Bowser's children[edit]

With his numerous bastard children.

It is widely known that Bowser has 527 children who look like miniature versions of himself. However, he only lets a handful of them see the light of day. The rest of them he keeps locked up in closets with beatings and no dinner. It is unknown who the mother of these childeren are. When asked this, Bowser always replies "damn tequilas". He used to live in a cardboard box with 183 of his siblings. It is also believed that famous preacher Fred Phelps is the product of one of Bowser's drunken affairs.

His Career in Super Smash Bros[edit]

Bowser initially planned to appear in the first game, but Nintendo was afraid they'd be considered sexist if the 1-11 female/male ratio was breached.

In "Melee", Bowser filled the "slow, strong, dumbshit" cliche. He was also Master Hand's main tool, appearing as the end boss of Adventure mode. Sometimes, Master Hand would use a Thunderstone on Bowser to evolve his into his third stage, Giga Bowser. But for some reason, the effects were always temporary, and he devolved back into his 2nd stage.

In "Melee", Bowser learned new techniques such as "Whirling Fortress" and "Speed Rape". When Master Hand met his final defeat in Event #50, Bowser stole his supply of Thunderstones. And so, he enslaved Ganondorf and Mewtwo, and beat up all the characters until his ass-kicking in event #51.

In "Brawl", his role was much the same: slow, strong, dumb tool. However, now he could use a Thunderstone to evolve into Giga Bowser, as a Final Smash move. Unfortunately, the censors removed his "Speed Rape" move, due to the increased sexuality it caused in kids.

Bowser's Powers[edit]

Bowser using his special Clown rape powers in 16 bit.
  • Fire breath It's what no mutant dragon/dinosaur thing should be without!
  • Super strength So he can throw anvils at people, and smash their pretty cars.
  • Super Slowness Why overdo it with Super Speed?
  • Durability So he can use all the lava in his castles as hot tubs!
  • Spikes So he can take role playing to the next level.
  • Magic He was once a student at Hogwarts, but dropped out after 2 weeks, so he's bad with it.
  • Rape Need I say more?
  • Clown Rape Much like rape, but dressed up as a clown.
  • Teeth He has the only jaws that jawbreakers can't break. Makes Ed, Edd, and Eddy jealous.
  • Visions Has had some very freaky LSD visions in his life.
  • Whirling fortress Because it's fun getting dizzy!

And this is why you don't give Bowser opium, and then tell him that there is no cake at the end of the portal.

SUPER MARIO TEMPLATE
Protagonists MarioPrincess PeachToad
Russia mario.jpg
Antagonists Donkey KongGoombaWario
Luigis Gay LuigiMama Luigi (Luigi's sojournMagic balloon)Weegee
Locations Mushroom KingdomAnother Castle®Yoshi's Park
Games Mario PartySuper Mario BrothersSuper Mario World
Whatnot Getting pushed into bananas (Mario Kart)Magic mushroomMariologyRaccoon Tail v. Super Mario CapeThe Mushroom Kingdom (band)