Boy Scouts of America

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Troop 1337 has been aptly described as being "leet"

“The Boy Scouts are a team of highly trained specialists that have banded together to fight against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world ...”

~ G.I. Joe narrator

The Boy Scouts of America is a feared paramilitary group firmly rooted in American culture. With strong ties to the German "Voy Skouts," and the Mirror World "Amerikanns Spaghetti Boys," the BSA is enlisted to perform many peace-keeping missions in the Heartland of America. An average scout will see 5 tours of duty before being discharged or killed. The Scouts are currently deployed in hotspots around the country, such as Wichita, Milwaukee, and Hartford.

History[edit]

Creation[edit]

The Boys Scouts of America was created by CHAR! Anzable in order to guard him from such enemies such as the Grand Pizza army (He was a closet Lactose Intolerant, but was sometimes caught snorting lines of powdered milk.) and also thousands upon thousands of Anime Otakus. Much to his distress, the boys he hired liked Pokemons and was killed instantaneously when a riot among the boys broke out when a fat kid traded his Mudkip for a Rattata (thinking it was a mew), this left CHAR! unprotected and was ran over by a Britney Spears driving a pink dump truck on a suspended Licence. Injured but still able to walk, CHAR! attempted to make is way to a Howard Johnson's restaurant but finally received his deathblow when a Horde of Yaoi fangirls trampled him in an attempt to have him make out with InuYasha (The worst Narcotic of them all...) In the end, the boys wound up being deported to either Mexico or Cuba to become bishies at an Orange plantation.

Early Stuff[edit]

The orange-farming industry of the boy scouts prospered for a good number of years, until the introduction of robots and Mexicans. Of course, nobody really cared. People did care, however, about the increasing number of hours young boys spent outside. This pissed off many unimportant people, including Libertarians like Karl Rove. They decided that there were only three (3) courses of action:

  1. Force Rosie O'Donnell to announce her candidacy in the 2008 presidential election
  2. Blow something up to relieve stress and everybody knows she would of freaking screwed over the country for the hell of it
  1. Create a new chapter in the no-longer-useful Boy Scouts of America

Later, the invention of the computer would prove these steps unnecessary, but in the infamous words of Jackie Chan, "Eh."

Modern Boy Scout-ing[edit]

Today's modern Boy Scouts (you may refer them as "'bouts" if you so desire) do everything that the old Boy Scouts wish they could have done -- and more. Their activities range from "sitting in front of the TV", "Playing Video-type games," quoting Monty Python, helping old people by wearing rolled-up camo pants and hiking boots, and for the adventure loving: "Friggin' Sleeping." People are much more pleased with their children now that they don't waste their time being outside and getting exercise. Perhaps one day, the BSA will become so streamlined that members wont do anything. At all. Unfortunately, science has predicted that those new Scouts who achieve this seemingly awesome state of nirvana will die from lack of oxygen in around two and a half minutes. So basically, the Boy Scouts program helps keep our kids indoors and obese. It also keeps them from getting scurvy. Y'know, with the oranges and all.

Future?!?!?[edit]

See robots or robot


The BSA is secret cult (that’s not to secret anymore) that will eventually either take over all of the world or just give up and eat their heart out in polysaturated dairy products (Ice Cream)

How It Works[edit]

The Boy Scouts of America has always been a secretive organization. However, we've managed to attain some knowledge on their activities:

Meetings[edit]

The Scouts tend to meet on a weekly basis, most of the time in the back room of their local Church of Scientology. Most meetings seem to be broken down into phases.

  • Phase One: Paperwork is done, most of the time by old people.
  • Phase Two: Lots and lots of hazing (see fraternity)
  • Phase Three: Hibernation
  • Phase Four: Either a trip to Taco Bell or Burger King
  • Phase Five: (The) Activity. Often characterized by running around in circles, with the activity's original objective jettisoned from their minds in a matter of seconds and often ends up Chasing the fattest (or most annoying) Boy until he is either caught or has a Heart Attack.
  • Phase Six: Transition directly from feudalism to socialism, skipping capitalism
  • Phase Seven: Random outburst of dining hall songs and accompanying hand motions
  • Phase Eight: Kicking the crap out of the youngest scout in the parking lot
  • Phase Nine: Hot bouts of rough anal sex
  • Final Phase: Secret rituals and "Orange Sacrifice"

Merit Badges[edit]

There are 9000 different merit badges in the BSA. Here is a list of a few.

  • Manslaughter
  • Dissability Ignorance
  • Roadkill (requires driving liscnse)

Camping[edit]

The scouts are divided into 2 sections, the cubs, and the scouts. The cubs do jack all while sitting on thier bum's eating a highly in-adequate amounts of toasted marshmellows, while the Scouts spend most of their time sitting 'round the campfire and throwing flammable shit in it. If I had a nickel for each nickel I had, then I'd have 5.678 nickels! See also Camp Friedlander

Fundraiserz[edit]

This part of the Boy Scouts of America is actually a real thing. Scouts often band together in small hunting groups to sell shitty, tasteless popcorn and other crap in order for them to pay for their ever-increasing energy bills. This may either be because:

  • Scientologist churches make you pay the bill

or

Scouts tend to try to trick people unfortunate enough to live near them to buy old pairs of scissors or razor blades.

Ranks[edit]

The ranks include the following (ordered from lowest rank to highest rank):

Motto[edit]

The Boy Scout motto has changed many times over the years, but the most well known ones are:
"Be prepared." (the very first motto)
"Carry condoms." (the same meaning as the first motto, just different words used)
"CRUSH THE INFIDELS!"
"Listening to Jonas Brothers doesn't make you gay, it makes you feminine."
"YOUR MOM GOES TO COLLEGE"

Sports[edit]

Crunkball is the official sport of the Boy Scouts.

Famous Troop Leaders[edit]

Some famous troop leaders of the Boy Scouts include:

Recruitment Interview[edit]

"Ah, Mr Prentis, so you want to be a boy Scout leader do you?"

"That's right."

"Would you like to give us some idea as to why you feel you should be considered for such a position?"

"Well, my wife and I have recently moved into the area and we felt that getting involved with the local community in this would be a positive step forward. Also teenage boys don't half give me the horn and I can see no finer opportunity for getting some really hot action."

"I see, have you had any experience in the area?"

"I once buggered a 12 year old I caught playing with hi---"

"Er...er I meant of youth work in general."

"Well the last place I lived in, I helped out with the church choir on camping trips."

"Oh and what did that entail?"

"Oh, you know the usual hiking, cooking, swimming, mutual masturbation, fellatio and..."

"Mr Prentis, I have to say that from the sounds of it, you are certainly not the kind of person we would want anywhwere near our troop. Your main concern appears to be following a highly repulsive scheme of having sex with underage children. Unless you can offer me one good reason why the hell we should employ you, this interview is terminated!!"

"I can tie a pretty mean Bowline."

"Well, that's good enough for me. Welcome aboard."

Arthur Madem Howl responds[edit]

Dear Sir,

The section above appears to suggest that the Boy Scout Movement would regularly employ paedophiles as leaders on the basis of their knotting ability.

My great ancestor, the founder of the movement, would be appalled at such a slur.

As everybody knows the Boy Scouts employ paedophiles whether they can tie a knot or not. I trust an apology for this base slur on the movement's integrity will be removed at once.

I write as somebody who has been in more Scouts....er..Scout Troops than you have had hot dinners.

Honorary Presidents[edit]

After Lucario's resignation, George W. Bush became the honorary president of the Boy Scouts of America. This is actually true. They are probably ashamed about that.

However, because he's merely honorary he's basically done nothing for the organization. The BSA is extremely glad about that, and they are expecting Lucario to return to his post any day now.

Terrorism[edit]

The boy scouts is even more widely feared then Britney Spears in many regions of California, after they teamed up with Vikings and looted San Francisco. Barrack Obama, the president of the Boy Scouts, claims that he had nothing to do with this and that looting and the "dirty ass hippies in San Francisco deserved it anyway." He is going to bomb them all at the next Jamboree.

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