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“I'd have them all shot!”
“I look at Bradford like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go, I've had enough. Give us another book.”
“I think some bacteria have better lives than this.”
Bradford (Bratfud as it's known locally) is a City in the North of England that has suffered from a continual decline since the 1960’s.
One of the few buildings left other than McDonald's that brings genuine heartfelt joy to the local populous is the Odeon cinema but the council are intent on flattening it or failing that they plan to cover it with a large brown paper bag.
Bradford council having built an expensive fountain and having buried the Wastefield shopping centre then teamed up with a couple of local entrepreneurs, both of whom may have escaped from the Lynfield Mount mental home.
This merry trio turned to the consultants Messers Joker and Clowne to produce a consultation document, costing a mere £1,000,000 of tax payers' money.
The consultation document recommended free parking and dressing up the local tramps as clowns to make their drunken antics look comedic, but horrified at the fact the plans involved severing the profitable income from parking meters the report was burned, never to see the light of day.
An emergency meeting was called, it was decided a scapegoat was needed, they would blame the people, for it was surely their negativity, especially that being voiced daily at the local newspaper website that was putting the spotlight on all the genuine failure and that needed to be stopped.
So a plan was born...
Birth of Positive Bradford Day
So came about Positive Bradford Day after
wasting spending more public funds for a marketing consultation the tagline "You can polish a turd" was chosen.
Bradford’s success was to be measured by a new economic measure, the measure being the size of the biggest Onion Bhaji that could be produced in a single day.
From now on Bradford was to be described as cosmopolitan, Bradford was no longer an economically failing city, it was a rich city swimming in pluralism, diversity and culture, it was going to leverage the coefficient talent of the cohesive community to synergise positivity, or so the marketing people claimed whilst leafing through their management buzzword dictionaries.
Positive Bradford created a mascot for the campaign, a super hero called Captain Positive, unfortunately locals mistook the P on his costume to be for Paedo and burned him alive outside Nando's.
The first Positive Bradford Day took place in 2011, no one quite remembers on what day or even which month, some even forget in which city, as it passed by largely unnoticed.
2011 Positive Bradford Day
A 2011 Positive Bradford Day leaflet that was discovered on Rawson Road under a bottle of cider next to the corpse of a decomposing tramp, the leaflet listed the events for the day:
- The making of the world’s largest Onion Bhaji.
- An interactive sharps bin dressed as Dusty Bin for the children to play with.
- An I Spy game on Market Street excluding the letter B to prevent everyone opting for “Boarded up shops”.
- Bradford’s noisiest bass box competition where local youth compete with their car stereos in an R n B decibel knock out challenge.
- A pick pocket workshop, learn how to make a living in the city centre whilst claiming the dole.
- Adopt a criminal refugee in the City of Sanctuary appeal for a home, remember rapists and murderers deserve a second chance too.
- Under 12's shisha smoking tent.
- Over 50's long distance spitting competition.
The steering committee for Positive Bradford realised that it wasn’t helping that Bradford was time and again at the top of crime surveys, it topped the charts for over a decade for uninsured drivers especially in BD3.
The dilemma was trying to enforce UK Law in parts of Bradford that had long since been under the legal jurisidiction of Saudi Arabia could result in civil disorder, this was one of the reasons indoor shisha lounges had been legalised whilst pub smokers had to stand outside, their heads bowed in shame.
In partnership with Bradford South police, operation “Nanoo Nanoo” was launched, the name of the operation had no significant meaning other than the fact the police inspector was a fan of 1980’s TV show Mork And Mindy.
Operation Nanoo Nanoo was manned by an elite squad of the force’s most advanced pursuit drivers, however to ensure the operation had limited impact they were equipped with electric powered smart cars.
Each “pursuit” smart car could run for 2 hours after a 12 hour charge and had a maximum top speed of 40 MPH downhill whilst manned by a single WPC, the boot was spacious enough for half a dozen KFC bargain buckets, enough to feed an averaged sized neighbourhood policing team.
The police now were able to be seen to act whilst minimal arrests would ensure community cohesion as the many drivers that wished to drive without insurance and tax could make a clean getaway. It was a win win outcome for Positive Bradford and proof that their outside the box thinking could get results.
2012 Positive Bradford Day
Events for Positive Bradford Day 2012 are still be finalised for the 22nd June.
The provisional line up of events is:
- The making of an even bigger onion Bhaji.
- A display from Bradford Chamber of Commerce, demonstrating how to set a mill fire and avoid detection.
- A display from West Yorkshire Fire service, demonstrating how to put out a burning mill.
- Shop window boarding, local carpenters demonstrate the correct manner to board up a liquidated retail business.
- A demonstration on how to insulate your loft properly to keep down your heating bills and at the same time prevent the roof heat showing on the police helicopter's thermal imaging sensor should you wish to grow weed.