Brain Lord

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Brain Lord
Developer Produce
Release Date 1994
Genre Action RPG / Puzzle game
Platforms {{{platform}}}
Rating {{{rating}}}
Would Matt Groening play it? {{{O-Wilde}}}

  • Remeer battles a gangster on the road to Toronto

  • Battling bats on the shores of Lake Ontario

  • The Town of Arcs

  • The Town of Toronto


Remeer is the star of Brain Lord and the only character you can control, but he does have an entourage follow him during his journey. Kashian is a stripper and a prostitute. Barness, a deeply spiritual man, began molesting children after being inspired by an omen in the stars. When it comes to self-sacrifice, Rein reigns supreme, using his bounty hunting and warrior skills to mete out justice wherever and whenever he can. Last but not least, Ferris, a witch whose parents were crack addicts, keeps to herself, but is nevertheless an asset to the group due to her skill at handling a cock.

You start out in the town of Arcs which is just north of Toronto. The goal of the game is to make enough money to buy a wife because that is the only way any one will go out with Remeer because he is so damn ugly. You work as a bounty hunter, solving crimes and other problems for money. You and your friends fight crime in southern Ontario for money with the hope that they will make enough money to buy the hottest women there because we all know how stuck up women in Toronto are.

The first mission involves going to the CN Tower of Light in order to defeat a giant cockroach which has taken up residence on the roof. After he kills the cockroach, Remeer and some of his friends go to the strip club to celebrate. In order to go to the Tower of Light you must travel south to the town of Toronto. Fortunatly you are able to use a warp gate also known as Highway 400 to quickly reach the city.

The second mission involves the ruins of an ancient civilization. It is an Indian burial ground outside of Arcs which you can raid. It contains a prehistoric dildo that you can sell to the Ontario Museum of History for an exhorburant fee.

After you complete the second mission you get a call from Toronto saying that the power is out and the residents of an old folks home are freezing due to the extreme winter there. There was a massive 100 car pile-up on highway 400 so Remeer must follow the Jane Street corrider into the city. This road is infested with gangstas, and Remeer must battle them as he makes his way into Toronto. Once there it is your job to steal homeless people from around the city in order to start a fire warm enough to heat the old bastards.

After you successfully complete that mission you earn enough money to take a six month vacation. Later that year Remeer gets another call from Toronto, this time it is too hot and Remeer is hired to kill anyone who may be contributing to the heatwave and smog. He is given a tank by the army and drives through the city killing anyone who isn't using public transit or walking. He also destroys any factories which do not meet air quality standards.

The final mission of the game has Remeer doing a mission for the police department. He is required to enter Jamestown and take out all the gangsters. He has to approach on foot under the cover of darkness to avoid detection. With his two attack jades, his morning star, and his shield, the gangsters with their 9mm are no match for Reemer. Kashian helps out Remeer by flashing her tits at the gangsters, distracting them.

See Also[edit]