Brand New

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This article about Brand New is brand new and kinda sucks. Why not get off your ass and do something about it?
Brand New at a recent show at a county fair in Alabama.
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Brand New.

“Have you heard their album?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Brand New

“Which one?”

~ Somebody who doesn't see a joke coming on Brand New

“Their Brand New one! Durr...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Brand New

Brand New is the name of a Arkansas-based jazz band consisting of old men who have been playing in the band for around 25 years.


They got the name from the fact that when they first started playing shows, people simply referred to them as that "brand new band." Now, more than 20 years old, the name is kept for mere irony. It doesn't make people laugh anymore. It also doesn't help that their fans are now way too old to comprehend anything.

They rose to stardom with their hit songs "Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, Speak in Japanese so I can fulfill my promise to exact revenge on that girl that as subtle as a phallus in the small of my back", and The Big Lebowski are Some of My All-Time Favorite Movies So Fuck Off and Die" and "What In This Great Big World of Ours Could I Possibly Accomplish By Going on a Double Date With You, Your Best Friend Stacy, and Her Mom (Who Has Got It Going On)?"

The band is well known for making mix tapes and sending them to their friends as last minute birthday gifts. At least it looks like you put some thought into the gift right? Anyway, the band had a holy war with the Christian band Taking Back Sunday for 30 years, but they have since come to terms with each other, even going as far as to make a Christmas EP together. The two bands were feuding because the lead singer of Taking Back Sunday, Applegate Lagare, once put the underwear of Brand New in the freezer on a tour.

Albums and Track listing[edit]

Just Pick A Fucking Weapon Already

  1. I Think I'm Goning to Take a Bath
  2. Clive Owen and a Mid-Term Exam
  3. Ressurection in Vermont
  4. Organized CD
  5. Successful in No Way Possible
  6. Get Rid of Your Keys or Die
  7. Weirdo to Recording Studio
  8. Safety is Stupid, Let's Die Behind the Wheel Without Seatbelts
  9. (x + 1)2 = 2x2 + x + 1
  10. Tertiary (Not as Important)
  11. Books
  12. Socko Armadillo Crime

Deja Vu Nintendo

  1. It's Spelled TATTOO!!!
  2. Sickening LRTs are Glorifying No One
  3. I Will Play My Gameboy on a Sit n'Spin
  4. Okay, I'm Lost, Where's My TomTom
  5. Loud Stuff That Will Probably Be Noticed
  6. The Boy Who Was His Own Cockblock
  7. Nemo, Just keep Swimming
  8. A Mental Dude Against Some Soccer Guy Against A Man Who Died On the Toilet
  9. Guacamole
  10. Good to Know That If I Ever Want Someone To Actually Read My Song Titles I Should Probably Make Them Smaller
  11. Sniff Crack and Die, How's That For an Ending?

Locked up for Talking to Jesus and Betting with Satan

  1. Mowing Season (No)
  2. Me Stoned
  3. Jesus Fucking Christ!
  4. Gas Mask
  5. Some Really Long Car (Reminds Me of Oscar Wilde's Hidden Extending Car in His Pants)
  6. You Won't Know That I Know That You Know That He Knows That I Know What You Did Last Summer
  7. Welcome to Hell:A Friendly Environment
  8. Go the Fuck Away, Moon
  9. Enzo, the baker
  10. No One Could Think of a Good Title
  11. Then I Took an Arrow in the Knee...
  12. You're Under Arrest for No Damn Reason


  1. Virtue
  2. Fred
  3. In the ass
  4. Petrol
  5. You're a mole
  6. Come Back
  7. Wash Basin
  8. Bought a Russian Bride
  9. Dandelion
  10. In A Fridge
  11. Zoro


  • If you feel the urge to puke right now it's probably because Taking Back Sunday was mentioned in this page. A perfectly shitty band, "How could they be connected to Brand New?", you ask? Well actually Jesse Lacey is only really in Brand New. His body is only used when being involved in anything having to do with Taking Back Sunday. He is actually being mistakenly possessed by Church from Red vs. Blue.