Brandon Boyd

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“When I first met him, I thought, "Damn that bitch is fine."”

~ Spiderman on Brandon Boyd
Sting, Brandon's biological father and half-sister.

Born "Ebenezer Whitmore Frankenstein" in Chattanooga, Tennesse to former pro-wrestler Sting, and Bill Clinton 2, Brandon Boyd was destined for greatness, and is best known for inventing colors, Uncyclopedia, body massages and the question mark.

Early Beginnings[edit]

Although Saint Brandon was an albino American Bald Eagle, he was able to have a successful career in rotating tires and face painting. When the Germans invaded Poland in 1998, Brandon decided to take action. He decided to make an evil army of Elvis clones and unleash them upon the Earth in order to destroy all living things. When he realized that this would mean his own destruction as well, he re evaluated his plans and instead made an army of girls named Jackie. Led by General Furby, the army marched across the Southern Sierra Nevada into Canada. Here, they set up camp and built a fort, and named it after their favorite television show, Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place. Once there, they realized that their army had no purpose so they began to write and send out their Christmas cards, even though they were all Jewish cyborgs from Jamaica (Queens). Fort Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place became a major hub in that Northernmost region of Canada. The likes of 36 Mafia and Bono could often be seen there hanging out and reading Danielle Steele novels. Ft. TGAGAAPP is the spot where Boyd managed to create his greatest invention: the stoner rock album. With a group of the Jewish Cyborgs, he formed the rock band Dildoes Taste Like Cabbage. Sadly, this band failed, because dildoes do not in fact taste like cabbage. Instead, they changed the name to Incubus.

One night after huffing kittens, Brandon made a wish. He wished his band would no longer be made up of Jewish Cyborgs. He huffed so hard, his very own Fairy God-Hitler came down and granted his wish. A Mars-Wide tour soon followed.

Recently, articles in Rolling Stone, Playgirl, Weekly World News, and Fly Fishing Enthusiast magazines announced that, during a press conference, God had confirmed Incubus as the greatest band on Earth.

Boyd as Playmate of the Year, 1997

Interesting Facts[edit]

  • Brandon Boyd invented the tesla coil, and is responsible for gravity.
  • Brandon Boyd is NOT Queen Latifah, as was speculated in both People magazine and the sci-fi adventure The People vs. Larry Flint.
  • Hobbies include: ashtanga yoga, horseback riding, being the token black guy, and not wearing a shirt.
  • Brandon once made a shopping list and subsequently used it to track his purchases at the supermarket.
  • Brandon once dated Balou from the Jungle Book, he has rarely spoken of this time in his life but assures us it was both "wild" & "horny"
  • In some circles, it is thought that Brandon's explosive falling-out with former N'Sync member, Rosa Parks, was the inspiration for his third studio-length album: "Don't Make Me Get the Hose."
  • Starred alongside Tim Allen in Cats.
  • Contrary to popular opinion, Brandon Boyd is not now and never was part of the alternative rock band Incubus. Upon being asked on Parkinson about the rumour, Brandon attributed the confusion to 9/11.
  • Once perceived to be both the largest living land mammal and the most virulent strain of ebola, Boyd has broken out from under the heavy weight of such titles to become the third most succesful deceased Italian hip-hop merengue composer with one ear since 1997.
  • It is rumoured (but as yet unproven) that Brandon accidently invented the moon and Tescos on the same day, we know this day as Easter Monday
  • Tits.