Branson

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Branson, Misery is a major city located in Michigan (duh!). It is a commonly held notion that Branson would be just like Las Vegas if Ned Flanders were running it.


Branson was founded in 1705 by multibillionaire Richard Branson. Initially he wanted to name the town Virgin, Missouri, to bring it in line with every company he owns. However, the Missouri legislature rejected this proposal seeing as how they already had a Virgin, Missouri. The early economy of Branson consisted of pottery and manufacturing crystal meth.

In 1854 New York mobster Bugsey Bunny passed through Branson on his way to Los Angeles. While there he found that Missouri's lax laws regarding gambling and prostitution would allow the mafia to establish legitimate businesses to funnel their profits. In 1860 Bugsey opened the "Hot Pink Flamingo." Initially it was a gay bar, however, that business failed and reopened as a casino. Two years later, in 1863, the mafia realized that Bugsey was not giving them their promised cut of the profits. In response the mob sent the notorious hitman Elmer Fudd to kill Bugsey. Although Fudd failed in his attempt to kill Bugsey, he was able to force Bugsey to flee to Cuba.

Eventually, as Branson got more profitable, the mega-freaky, mega-rich billionaire Howard Hughes bought up at least 60% of property on the Branson strip. While his monopoly on the light blue, orange, red, yellow, green, and dark blue properties (each with hotels) helped to drive out the mafia, the profits from his ventures were also used in the construction of a space laser. Fortunately James Bond managed to reveal that Hughes had been replaced by SPECTRE and the plot was foiled (though Hughes kept the space laser).

As true as the story above seems it is in fact not true. Branson was founded in 1981 after the water was discovered to have Countrinite, a strange substance known to cause people to think they can sing. Soon, the many springs in the area became hotbeds for B musicians hoping to break back into the mainstream. They all failed and remained in Branson Misssouri.

Branson is also home to many factory reject thrift stores, making it just about the only place where you can buy a pair of pants with a collar or the bible according to word of Gob.

Branson Today[edit]

Branson today is full of old has-beens who really have no career. Over 80 shows are available to people over 55 who like to travel around on a tour bus. The shows range from the 150 year old Andy Williams, to 2 Fluffy Women- Broadway Meets Country! Branson is like the Las Vegas for God. The singers sing about God, America, and those classic country hits! Every single one of them is the "voice of Branson"! There are roughly 500,000,000 senior citizens that eat daily at the "World's Largest Golden Corral". Branson is also known for it's large prostitution business catered to ages 75+.

Branson, Missouri is home now to Yakov Smirnoff after the rest of the USA rejected him and his Russian Reversal jokes after the Berlin Wall fell down in 1992. After 9/11 the CIA used Russian Reversal jokes from Yakov Smirnoff on terrorists as a form of torture after waterboarding failed to get results. Yakov is known to practice his Russian Reversal jokes on unsuspecting Branson Tourists, before he gives them to the CIA as a form of quality control to make sure that they work.

Master Shake[edit]

HE HAS NEVER BEEN THERE

Trivia[edit]

  • No one lives there, contrary to the rumors.
  • There are no children because all the old people devoured them as part or an evil ritual.
  • During tourist season, it is legal to shoot them, but only if you have the proper license and training.
  • The official tree of Branson is the orange traffic barrel, they can be seen everywhere on road and highway construction projects that got started in 1981, and still continue on to this day, draining billions from the federal government due to pork projects from Congress that go directly into the pockets of politicians in Missouri who are in bed with the mafia that run the highway construction companies and get kickbacks from them.
  • Traffic is so bad in Branson, that it is faster to walk to the shows than wait in the gridlock that surrounds the city. A snail is reported to move faster than Branson local traffic.
  • Christian Fundamentalists and Hillbillies (ironically one and the same) rule Branson with an iron fist. They make sure that Branson is drug free, has no gambling, no alcohol, no sex, no Liberals, no Communists as it resembles the USA in the 1950's before the Beatnik movement. It is said that Elvis Presley used to play there, until the local government ran him out because he dared to unbutton one button on his shift because he was too hot, and showed a chest hair, which got the locals upset and called him UnAmerican and a rebel traitor who swung his hips one too many times. After that Elvis was quoted as saying "I'm going to Las Vegas, all of the stress from Branson is driving me to become a drug addict as well as develop an eating disorder. They are too strict in Branson, and make the mafia look like the Boy Scouts." After that, Elvis' cousins The Presleys, took over his act, and became the oldest show in Branson.
  • A tornado happened on Feburary 29th, 2012. The tornado was drunk and just started smashing buildings at randem. It was also mad because it couldn't get around because of all the gridlock so it smashed some power polls so the traffic lights wouldn't work no more. It did hundreds of dollers if improvements to the strip. It also damaged the Wal-Mart, but no one noticed it was damaged. It is reported the tornado is building a theatre there called Twister Haven.