Breaking Dawn

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“I want little girls and emo girls to masturbate while reading this”

.

“Fuck This Shit Too... Another story about cock loving vampires...”

“What's Breaking Dawn?”

~ Spunk Ransom on Breaking Dawn

“Why don't I get an over-grown and satanistic vampire spawn?”

~ Rosalie Hale on life

“At least I got to drive a Vanquish”

~ Jacob Black on his role in Breaking Dawn

“and then the bitch author fades to black so now nobody knows how bad good in bed i am... so i get all emo about it”

~ Edward Cullen on sex in Breaking Dawn

“Edward does exsist.”

~ Stephenie Meyer on Edwards existence

“What the fuck?!? (”

~ Sane people on Breaking Dawn

“What is this crap??? (”

~ some smart middle schoolers on reading Breaking Dawn

“If you didn't like Breaking Dawn, it's your own fault”

~ Stephenie Meyer on her masterpiece

“WHY DID YOU CREATE ME?!!! ARGHH!!!!!”

~ Edward on being made so overtly gay by Stephenie Meyer

“Vampire Season!”

~ Bugs Bunny on Vampires

“THIS SHIT IS SEXY”

~ Pedophiles on Jacob imprinting on Renesmee

“sounds like my type of guy”

~ oscar wilde on edward

“You don't see me banging my dinner!”

~ Count Dracula on The infamous sex scene(s)

“U JUST DONT UNDERSTAND THERE EPIC LUV!!!”

~ Twilight Fangirls on Anti-Breaking Dawn Reactions

“Well, in hindsight, I guess I really fucked myself over when I converted to Buddhism. ”

~ Cedric Diggory on Reincarnating as Edward Cullen

“Fuck you Cedric.”

~ Edward Cullen on Cedric Diggory being reincarnated as him

“Fuck you too, Edward. At least before I didn't fucking sparkle. ”

~ Cedric Diggory on Edward Cullen's reaction to Cedric Diggory being reincarnated as him


=="Roll down the windows!! Somebody cut the cheeseBroke the Dawn!! Breaking Dawn is the supposed last of the Twilight Series, though Stephenie Meyer has relentlessly contradicted herself. This ending of the series is seen by 50% of the "fan" community, now called Anti-Fans, to be a bad fanfic. Breaking Dawn is sappy, corn syrupy, and so sweet it will give you literary diabetes. 90% of statistics dictate that promptly after reading the book, people vanish suddenly and horribly into another dimension. Efforts to stop this with a wooden basilisk fang have been for shit.

Sexual Content vs Gore[edit]

Yes, Stephenie Meyer stated she only wrote what she felt comfortable writing! So Meyer loves to torture Edward to a point where he demands Jacob to impregnate his wife. She also rathers gore over sex. Wow, that's really great Meyer...we know someone has skeletons in their closet... Edward, was obviously the product of a wet dream from Stephenie Meyer. Since, you know, Mormons typically don't have a sex life. At all. No fucking period. She also talks to her characters. Funnily enough, Stephenie Meyer also stated that she would not write any book that she would not allow her children to read. This has caused much disturbance, as it could be seen as wrong to allow your child to read a book that encouraged them to be impregnated by a blood-drinking stalker maniac who enjoyed bruising them whilst fornicating. Waah! I need an adult! I NEED AN ADULT!

The Renesmee "Cocksucking baby" Fucktor[edit]

Renesmee is the demonic spawn child borne from Edward Cullen (a sweet vampire transvestite from transexual Transylvania) and Bella Swan (a Pedophile, Zoophile, Necrophile, all at the same time). Also known as Nessie (The Loch Ness Monster) this child almost kills Bella, and destroys all hope of Breaking Dawn being a successful and good book. Because all good books have their main characters die at least once in the series, and hopefully remain dead by the end of it. Why couldn't Stephenie Meyer be so...unpredictable? Why did this seem so obvious yet shocking? This demon spawn killed the plot. Wait, no, I'm sorry, there wasn't a plot to begin with. Forgot what author I was talking about, hardy-har.

She has also been subjected to the dreadful and unimaginative name of 'Renesmee Carlie' which is a creation derived from the names of her 'grandparents', Reneé and Esme, and Carlisle and Charlie. This has stressed her so much that as soon as she was old enough to realise what had been done to her, she dumped Jacob and ran away from home to live in a cave with Albus Severus Potter, who has encountered a similar problem. They now make a living by singing songs from High School Musical in the town square and are expecting their first child in June. Called Gilla Harrward Pottlen. Update: The baby, resembling a disco ball, was born on Saturday June 20th at 5:23pm, 2008. The parents have not yet succeeded in identifying it's gender.

Jacob Polemic[edit]

Jacob has become quite the polemic after Breaking Dawn. Most of the ex-twilighters feel bad for the now turned pedo-pup, forced to love a bratty spawn from Hell, for eternity! But at least he tried to hide the Loch Ness Monster from Bella, in hopes that she will turn out differently.

This has yet to be proven.

He would have been better off dead, killed off in the battle, if there had been one, and left with some dignity. No. Doomed to live with that demon spawn forever. She grows up very quick, and it is likely (as predicted) she will be begging Jacob to fuck her as well when she turns ten. Just like mommy. It's just adorable

Meanwhile who wants to be with a hairy dog? I thought the Edward character took care of that already? He needs to get that crap waxed! And what's up with the pedophilic relationship that defys all laws of species and reason? Does it mean that Jacob was not in love with Bella in the beginning, but really just her ovaries?!

So really in the end Jacob and Bella love is beasiality and Laster with the spawn of satan he shows his pedophile side.

Bella's transformation[edit]

On top of turning from your average idiotic teen, Bella becomes a vampire, and it's an easy process. Just to prove that you can have your cake and eat it too. All it takes is one demonic spawn from Hell and a lot of sparkly venom. Just add water and you have your own non-vamp. Of course Meyer made the book a little too fucking long already, so Bella automatically gets complete control over her "senses" [she doesn't really have any] because somebody was getting a little bored, of writing how it was going to be horrible being a vampire for a year+, so of course, just like Meyer said that vampires just sparkle in the sun and don't die of wooden stakes (Dracula disagrees!), she also has to go against her own word she's been repeating since book one and make Bella a super control psycho. In attempts to piss us off further, she is still begging Edward to fuck her AFTER her hormones are non exsistant. Nowadays, Edward and Bella stay locked up in their room for god knows how long and hump each other's brains out with their demon spawn baby in the next room. Don't you worry about Renesgay, she likes the noise. It reminds her of Jacob.

The Final Battle[edit]

Not only are the Volturi stolen from Buffy the Vampire Slayer's master, they are contradictory in Breaking Dawn. They pass from brainless, blood loving, gut wrenching bastards that will kill anything in their way, to scardy cats running for their un-lives. This sudden turn of events left many readers bereft of a brain pining for their lost fucking souls. Meyer took a shot in the dark (it must have been one of those Manic Mondays, if you know what I mean) and added 100 hundred characters instead of killing them off, like Rowling wisely did in Harry Potter. In other words, the Volturi bent over and said "that's okay" while the protagonists proceeded to carefully maneuver themselves behind them so they could "service the account." [Fucking dumbasses... Thanks for the wording George]

Literary Diabetes[edit]

Breaking Dawn is the leading cause to literary diabetes. It is so simply so sappy, you need a pancake to blow your nose. Beware of this chronic disease, to which there is only one cure. Disillusionment. The cure rarely works. There is, however, another cure though its effects are still under some debate. But, I guess you are desperate enough to try anything.

Follow any of the following simple procedures and get free of this horrible disesaase.

1) Find a lake, river, ocean, any waterbody will do. Drown yourself in it.

2) Go to the supermarket. Buy rat poison. Drink the contents of the bottle. Die

3) Take a very sharp knife. Poke your eyes with at as a punishment for reading this book.

4) (This one is less painful) Take a rope, hang it from a ceiling fan, hang yourself.

The Anti Fans AKA The Dark Side[edit]

Breaking Wind... I mean... fail, I mean... dawn. That's right, Breaking Dawn. Was the cause of the uproar. No Meyer, they still exist and like the Rob Factor, your theory failed. Quoting the most famous Darkling adorablySTRANGE Breaking Dawn was:

  • "worthy of a fanfic."
  • "not up to par"

To say it mildly. The question remains: did she want to actually break the dawn in half? Is that why it is capitalized? Or was she merely making some allusion to Chuck Norris roundhousing the sky in twain? It leaves the Antis very confused. She continues saying that "She (Meyer) had the bar up high with the first three, and I felt she didn't reach it." Well if it didn't reach how she wanted it to, she probably should have pulled back the release date. But that's the logical thing to do. Logic is forbidden in this universe. But Meyer conviently ignores Newton's Laws of Decency, which is fine, if you like stuff that's shit.

Anti-Fan Art

Oh, and Clara_______________ ( neopets ) has said: "...In this book, Stephanie Meyer managed to take my dislike of Twilight and turn in into a full-blown hatred. She completely demolished all the rules she had established in the last three books and in interviews. One, Bella was a perfect newborn. SM said that newborns were supposed to be incredibly unstable, yet Bella is walking around and gazing at her PERFECT reflection in the mirror like five minutes after she got turned. And, vampires are not supposed to be able to reproduce. SM said it herself. /HERSELF/ Their parts don't work because they. Are. DEAD. D-E-A-D. Bodily functions don't work when you are dead. "

Which only proves, in the longish run, that Twilight is a heap of steaming shit. Antis pwn.

Fan reactions[edit]

Close Christians say that Inkabink (who is in her mid-30's) squirted 500 gallons of cum while reading the book. Her obsession with the Twilight saga can be found here (http://www.christianforums.com/t7370984/). This is the reason why no man wants her.


In Summary[edit]

Poo.

See Also[edit]