Boobs
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“Gross.”
~ Freddie Mercury on Boobs
“Some of the best breasts I've come across....”
Boobs, sometimes called Weapons of Mass Erection, are the largest form of warts known to mankind. They are known to develop in roughly 99% of the population, usually on the upper chest area, though they occasionally form on the elbows. Boobs are an engine of slavery; you will perish, but this expiration has been likened to "Drowning in boobhole" (Simon Pegg). Until they are combated, cancer will remain uncured. Boobs are roughly twice as common as the Vagina. Some expert scientists believe that the possession of a vagina and the formation of boobs are somehow related in some obscure way, but this has not yet been proven as the Intelligent Designer did not call back with an explanation in time for publishing. It's OK to grab boobs at all times.
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[edit] Symptoms
'Boobs are the greatest and sexiest thing on earth but can be difficult to recognize immediately because they come in all shapes including the rhombus, (except the square) sizes, textures and colours. The boob is the greatest gift of nature, some experts believe, due to the amazing feeling received when rubbing them against a partner's. Boobs are often compared to Zits, yet this comparison is incorrect as the development of zits can be prevented with the proper creams but the development of boobs cannot. Real hot boobs can grow several inches in a lifetime but never shrink (unless removed).
Symptoms of the development of boobs can be detected at a very early age. They typically first surface between the age of 13 to 16, though they can develop earlier, as with the case of Pamela Anderson, who was born with boobs the size of watermelons. In most cases, this does not occur. The first symptom of boob development is the appearance of small lumps on the chest. If you see some, don't panic, they might just be warts. To test this, jump in a nearby body of Water. If they float, they are boobs. If not, they are merely warts. They will continue to rapidly increase in size, for about 5 years when they will usually stop, though in some extreme cases, they have exploded. Boobs themselves are usually round, and secrete a bizarre, white liquid.
A person who has boobs can be recognised by several behavioral symptoms as well as the physical ones: a tendency to watch Meg Ryan films, irresistible urges to display one's boobs in public places, and constantly arguing with other people who have boobs, only to make up the next day, causing immense confusion to non-sufferers. After about 50 years of having boobs, it's all literally downhill as they gradually deflate and the infection calms. Though they will never be gone entirely, their growth rapidly slows down.
[edit] History
A typical sign hung up to keep away small breasted females, sold on eBay for $14.99. http://i38.photobucket.com/albums/e112/TRCowboy/10funny-boobs.jpg
Boobs were discovered in 1943 by Arnold Bazonga. "Well I was sitting in my office," he says, "And all of a sudden I noticed how half the people I saw had these huge bumps on their chests, and the other half didn't. I thought, 'how peculiar'." He pointed this out to doctors, who turned down his report as "sloppily written and lacking any evidence." It wasn't until 10 years later that doctors officially confirmed that boobs were, indeed, a form of wart found on many humans. None of that really matters, because everyone is looking at the pictures on the left at this moment.
No two breasts are the same size. Pointing this out to the owner of some breasts will get you slapped, because breasts release hormones that make their human owners very possessive and protective. They may also believe them to be too small, regardless of reality.
Some boobs have minds of their own, and can run rampant if released from the people they occupy. Every year at Christmas in Pamplona, Spain, they stage the annual breast run where wild breasts are released into the streets and young men attempt to stick their penises into the vaginas of the girls that the boobs are on without getting slapped. Ernest Hemingway was a great fan of both breast-running and the more serious, and potentially fatal, sport of Breast Fighting.
In Breast Fighting men in gold-colored costumes attempt to subdue a breast with a prick. Recently animal rights groups have tried to stop this on grounds of cruelty. However, the standard Spanish response has been that it is nothing but silicone.
There are a bevy of sounds the breast makes, with different perspective from different men. Some argue it to be "boing" as in a rubber ball, or "bwoon", among others, though this is under debate.
[edit] Boobs and Lesbianism
Lesbians usually have enourmous boobs that can hold up to 5 gallons. This means when a lesbian has big boobs, it's the most incredible thing in the world. Especially when another girl is licking them. Scientists are researching the connection between mammary size and homosexuality. 'Hawt' and unrealistic Lesbians created by chauvinists mainly exist in Hentai and Teen movies, though they are found infinitely frequently in the daydreams of men . Legend has it that the nipples on the boobs of a true lesbian are always looking at you no matter where you are viewing them from. When a big black dick is rubbed next to their boobs they (unfortunately) can not respond.
[edit] Boobs and Slow Motion
Another strange phenomena results directly from the advent of the moving picture camera. Thomas Edison's real motivation for inventing the "moving pictures" was in fact a perverse way to capture his Swedish secretaries breasts for all to see. After a malfunction caused half of the film stock to be destroyed he duplicated the remaining half causing her breasts to move at half of the speed. The world was never the same.
[edit] Uses
Scientists do not know what exactly boobs are for. One theory is that they evolved to be used as pillows for babies and for the sexual partners of those who have them. Another is that they were made to be used as handles during sex. Since each breast often has a nipple attached, similar to baby bottles, some scientists claim that they have the ability to produce milk. This, however, has been largely rejected as a possibility, otherwise why would we need cows?
It should be noted that Creationists believe Boobs to be a useless side effect of being made entirely of rib bones.
[edit] The Invasion
In 1943 German Boob forces invaded all of the known world, led by their leader, Titler. Some say the reason for their success was the fact that all the soldiers masturbated instead of fighting.
[edit] Effects on men
Boobs are believed to be the cause for over three fourths of all events that occur in the Universe. Physicists speculate that a particle tentatively called a 'Pooj' (Particle of Omnipresent Joy) could soon be discovered in Pamela Anderson's cleavage. The force created by a Pooj combined with The Cleavage Effects obliterates rational thought, control over salivary glands, and monogamy in men. But man can sometimes overcome a boob's powers. Occasionally turning them into pillows.
[edit] Causes
Scientists have been debating for over 50 years now over what the cause of boob development is, but have still produced no answers. Their original theory was that only people who had Vaginas developed boobs, but they abandoned this theory because "The math equations involved just weren't adding up, and besides, some people with penises get them, too." Their second theory that the development of boobs could be attributed to living in Brazil, but this too was disproved in an experiment that cost $400,000. "We're still working on what it is that causes the growth of boobs," says Stephen Hawking, one of the world's leading scientists, "Why these boobs grow, and what their true purpose is, will likely always remain as one of the last great mysteries of the Universe". So dont worry, everytime you think of how boobs grow,just remember that the government is spending all our taxes to find out.
[edit] See also
| This article is a flimsy excuse to get pictures of tits on Uncyclopedia. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
| Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions | |
Body
Assorted fetii
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