Brendan Fraser

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“Fraser?! I hardly knew her! So, yes.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Brendan Fraser

Brendan Fraser is a charming, bumbling, Canadian born (Canuck) actor with self described “beefy good looks.” He is best described as absolutely dreamy. Recently Brendan Fraser battled out Brad Pitt and Jesus, as well as the entire Inuit population of the world, for the title of the best-looking man alive. Brendan (we are on a first name basis) is renowned for his poignant acting in scathing social critiques. These include the tale of a misplaced youth in a foreign society (George in the Jungle, 1997), a controversial religious thriller (Bedazzled, 2000), a series of historical documentaries (The Mummy and The Mummy Returns), and finally a chilling insight into the 1960s popular attitude towards the cold war and nuclear warfare (Blast From the Past, 1999). Brendan has also starred in a feel-good, laugh-out-loud, comedy success of the year production: The Quiet American, 2002.

In 2005, Fraser opened his home to paying guests, offering a tour called: 168 Hours With Brendan Fraser. The sordid details follow.

[edit] 168 Hours With Brendan Fraser

One is a special number. It is exactly the number of people who find Brendan Fraser attractive (Hi mum!).

In your first hour of the super-exclusive, once-in-a-lifetime Brendan Fraser variety tour, Brendan will talk about each of his eyebrow-hairs individually. Hear about Mona’s near-death experience with hot wax, and Sally’s brush with the evil curling iron!

Two is a special number. It is exactly the number of eyes that Brendan Fraser should have used before deciding not to have plastic surgery. Wrong choice there, kiddo.

In hour two, you will be given a pair of unsanitised tweezers, and you can pluck out each of Brendan Fraser’s eyebrow hairs one-at-a-time. Watch his exquisite agony as you pull out each hair with enough intensity to leave a slipstream! Hear his grunt of pain as you dig in to make sure you’ve got the follicle!

Three is a special number. It is exactly the number of times that Brendan Fraser has put his own clothes on in the morning.

In the third hour of your Special Experience with Brendan Fraser, you’ll be taken to a special studio location that our guides have prepared earlier! You’ll have: A taser. Brendan will have: a script titled “The Quiet [Ethnicity]”, and a terrified look in his disgustingly large eyes. “Action,” you’ll call, and as Brendan starts to ignore the stage directions, this is your chance to help him improve! Zap, zap, zap. Important health warning: If you experience wrist strain during this activity, please inform one of our friendly instructors. We’ll beat Brendan with a spiked stick instead.

Four is a special number. It is the exact height of Brendan Fraser’s lips (in inches). Pucker up.

In this magical fourth hour Brendan will wear crimson midnight lip gloss – recommended personally by Cindi – and will actively engage in wooing you beyond belief. Even when his lips are otherwise occupied Brendan is still not a quiet American.

Five is a special number. It is exactly the number of Egyptian children who died in the making of The Mummy.

Brendan, however, reconciled the Mummies of the deceased young by making new children with them. Luckily for you, he taped the entire copulation, and that, possum, is what hour five consists of.

Six is a special number. It is exactly how many attempts Brendan needed to pronounce the words “bonafide thespian” which appeared in his autobiography.

Hour six will consist of Brendan reciting the entire biography to you. Try not to get lost in his lurid eyes.

Seven is a special number. It is exactly the number of toes on Brendan’s grossly oversized left foot.

In hour seven, you will wax Brendan Fraser from head to toe. Mundane, I hear you cry? Think again; there are myriad pleasures herein: Listen— the sound of Brendan Fraser’s girly, ineffectual screams as you pour hot wax over him, Smell— the invigorating stench of Brendan’s skin burning, Watch— the inevitable grimace of pain, See— Brendan’s formerly pasty and sallow skin acquire a lovely autumn-red tone. Be sure to tear off Brendan’s third nipple during this process, and set it aside for later use (cf. Hour Twenty-Seven).

Eight is a special number. It is exactly how many flesh-eating parasites Brendan has living in his tiny, almond-shaped brain.

In this exciting installment of My Life as Brendan Fraser’s companion: It’s time for an authentic culinary experience! You’ll trim Brendan’s finger- and toe-nails (for an extra $3.95, you can stick bamboo shoots under them while you’re there), and sauté them with shallots for a delicious stir-fry meal. Eat up, because you won’t have another chance to eat until hour thirty-four!

Nine is a special number. It is exactly the number of movie reviews about Brendan ever written which do not contain the phrase “talentless hack”.

In hour nine, you get your first taste of the agony to come. (For you, I mean.) It’s time for Brendan’s sponge bath! Enough said.

Ten is a special number. It is exactly as high as Brendan can count (excluding in-fun-it-ee).

Hour ten: Role-playing time! In this fun-filled hour, Brendan will entertain you by going gangbusters in role-play. Choose from one of the following scenarios: You are a naughty schoolgirl. Brendan is a quiet Catholic priest. OR You are an intellectual. Brendan is Brendan Fraser.

Eleven is a special number. ‘11’ backwards is exactly the same as ‘11’ fowards.

In this engrossing eleventh hour Brendan Fraser will explain in depth the amazing logistics of this confounding realisation. We suggest you don’t mention the number’s ‘22’, ‘33’,’44’ or the words radar, pop and race-car. If you are feeling malicious, why not try asking him to spell his own name?