Brett Favre
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“All good things must *tears* come to an end!”
~ Brett Favre on his legacy
“Look, I should have clarified. When I said "I will be retiring," I didn't mean 'I won't be playing at all.' I meant if a team's franchise QB goes down or starts playing awful, I will come back. Also, if Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels are bad QBs, I'll step in to help the Vikings. Also if someone asks me to come back sincerely. Also if I sneeze 5 times in a row.”
~ Brett Favre on hisfirstsecondthird unretirement
“He's not that special.”
~ Aaron Rodgers on Brett Favre
“That asshole stole our style.”
~ Flip Flops on Brett Favre
“You could cut off his arms and legs and he would still have the best torso in football”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
“A useless jackass that I'm glad to be rid of, even though he did carry and represent the entire franchise for nearly two decades and holds multiple records. I'm glad we went with an unproven, four years running backup over a 17 years running starter.”
~ Mike McCarthy on Brett Favre
“Hey Mike, fuck you, you pudgy douchebag. Hey Brad! Brad Childress! I need to talk to you. So Brad, I was thinking...”
~ Brett Favre
“That's a great idea Brett! See you at training camp!”
~ Brad Childress
“WE GOT FAVRE!”
~ Jets Fans in 2008 on Brett Favre
“God damnit.”
~ Jets Fans in 2009 on Brett Favre
“He's the best and most loyal quarterback of all time!”
~ Every Packers fan before 2008 on Brett Favre
“I HATE that SOB!”
~ Every Vikings fan before 2008 on Brett Favre
“I can't wait to buy a purple Favre jersey!”
~ Every Vikings fan in 2009 on Brett Favre
“No, seriously.”
~ Aaron Rodgers on Brett Favre
“Brett Favre is the Brett Favre of football”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
“Poke fry rice.”
~ Fung Wang-Chung on Brett Favre
“You see, Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback in football. He's so good. You know what else is good? Boom! Tough actin Tinactin.”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre??
“I should retire, I should retire not, I should retire, I should retire not”
~ Brett Favre on retirement
“Brett Favre?! Where?! Because Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback ever! He had a great wedding! The cake was great! There were so many flavors! It went BOOM in my Mouth! (That's what she said.) The set up and decorations were great! They probably went to ACE! It's the hardware place! I remember when I snuck on to the some of the events sponsored by the Brett Favre Fourward Foundation in 1997, I got to watch him play in the golf tournament, he had a great stroke just like Curly Howard, funny man, God rest his soul. BOOM! The celebrity softball game was very...BOOM!
....
Afterwards, I went to the Brett Favre Steakhouse...”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
“Wait...Isn't the "v" BEFORE the "r"?.”
~ Captain Obvious on The pronunciation of the last name
“Hold on, hold on, I'm not done yet. I went to the Brett Favre Steakhouse and had the Brett Favre Porterhouse steak, which was served with Brett Favre fries. I covered the steak with A1 and it was great! Then I went to Rent-a-Center, hoping to see Brett Favre... wait, I don't have an endorsement deal with Rent-a-Center anymore? Okay, screw them. So anyway...”
~ John Madden on Brett Favre
“SHUT UP ALREADY!”
~ Everybody on John Madden
“That guy just can't make up his mind.”
~ Captain Understatement on Brett Favre
“WILL THIS GUY JUST RETIRE SO WE CAN HEAR ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON ON THE NEWS INSTEAD!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Brett Farve
Brett Lorenzo? Favre is the most well known and most decorated African-American quarterback in NFL history. Born and raised in the harsh ghetto south-central Los Angeles, he rose from the depths of oppression to lead the Black Community towards a promised land of wealth and prosperity and political freedom. In his spare time, he moonlighted as a quarterback for the minor-league Green Bay Fudge Packers.
Contents |
[edit] Favre and the early years
An infant Favre (Born Brettonius Chuck-Steve Lorenzo Farvonis) was found abandoned at the base of Mount Olympus, Greece in 1169 BC. He was taken in and raised by a peasant and his wife. As young Favre grew, his parents noticed he possessed supernatural strength and durability.
Favre was first drafted to the Athens Falcons in 1140 B.C. after turning a third round draft pick out of high school. Favre is best remembered for his heroics as a rookie on the Greek All Star Squad, when he threw a deep, last-minute pass to Achilles on a last minute-play during the great pummelling of the Troy Trojans, better known as the Trojan War. Unfortunately, the ball was low, and the speeding Ball hit Achilles' heel, killing him. The ball flew into the air, and was miraculously caught by Odysseus, who ran for the game winning touch down and then he got hit by a pissed Trojan fan in a bus, and suffered a kill. However, Favre received No Credit From Homer, who would later write The Iliad|a great book about this game]], because he owned the Denver Broncos. Favre was pissed about not getting credit for his Defeat of the Trojans and was traded away from the Falcons to the Sparta Spartans. Due to his seemingly eternal youth, Favre was Quarterback of the Spartans for almost 700 years. He won them 400 championships, including two historic defeats. In the 315 bc season, Favre's ragtag 300 Spartans, undergoing a rebuilding year, beat the heavily favored pissed maids 12,000 to 300. However, every player played their hearts out and died. Favre was the lone survivor, but the Spartans, unaware of their actual victory, or Favre still being alive, folded. Favre then moved to Italy.
[edit] RFL (Roman Football league) Career
Favre was rediscovered in 210 BC by talent scouts for the then lackluster Roman Gladiators after defeating a team of Bears at the Roman Coliseum. Down 45 points and a Quarterback, the Gladiators would have to forfeit. But Favre walked in from the stands and offered to play. Favre brought them back by 42 points. On the final play, Favre shook off two large Bears, kicking one right in the Bear nuts and stretching his gargantuan arms ten yards into the end zone to score the winning run. The women in the crowd were so impressed that 200 of them became pregnant simply watching the play. After the game, Favre destroyed the bears, and cooked Bear Burgers for his baby mommas. Also, it has been known to some that Rex Grossman had an obsession with burning dog shit on his was while Rex was in high school. Favre led the Gladiators, to 300 Championships during his 600 year tenure with the team. Of the 301 Championship appearances, Favre only lost his last one, in 410 AD to the German Goths. However, Caesar had bet a ton of money on the Gladiators, and had to surrender his entire kingdom to the Goths.
[edit] Intermediate Years
German Goths 410-700 AD
Many do not know this, but Favre was picked up on the waiver wire and spent the 700-701 season playing QB for the Moshood Olawale Nigerian Death-Squirrels
Frankish Magnums 702-1000 AD
- Played in the Brett Favre Celebration Game
Scottish Claymores*1000-1300 Led Claymores to Lone Championship against Britain under great Coach/RB, William Wallace.
Spanish Conquistadors 1300-1492* Stayed in the Americas to teach the art Football to the Native Americans
1867, Sports revival of the late 1800s: found out that, with new technology, Americans had changed footballs rules. The Europeans disagreed with the rule changes, but the Americans won, so the Europeans changed the name of their sport to rugby. Favre throws a fit, and doesn't even think of returning to football until forward passing is re-legalized in 1916. After this, decides to learn the American rules.
1970. Brett Favre, feeling slightly aged, finds the fountain of youth, drinks too much and turns into a small child, is found, and adopted by the another family with the same last name.
1987-1990. As a rejuvenated young adult, Favre goes to college to play football for Southern Mississippi.
[edit] NFL career
Favre was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons in 1991, and was traded to the Packers in 1992, where he won them 1 championship. However, the fountain of youth altered his aging pattern so he aged like a normal human being (actually only slightly less). He started every game during his Packer career, using clones of himself on plays that he knew he would be hit on, proceeding to piss off defensive coordinators by eluding 3 defensive lineman, tossing a shovel pass through a 6-inch window of space to his crossing fullback, who would then proceed to juke the linebacker in coverage, run 8 yards down the sideline and then would leap over the cornerback (making a shitty excuse for a tackle), and then hit the pylon, winning the game in overtime. Favre has claimed the lives of 288 players, and several small children. He retired and died after only 17 years, and one championship, yet still dominated the league in everything. A couple months later he was reincarnated and brought back by the New York Jets Vice President of Player Personnel to chuck some more pigskin.Soon after he joined the rival vikings in a evil plot to get back and greenbay.Brett soon led the loveboat vikings to 25 superbowls winning just 1. He then brain washed every human in to thinking he was good and young so he could play forever. In fact Favre stated the following in a 2007 interview with Sports Illustrated:
“I intend to play for another 500 years.”
~ Brett Favre on Not Retiring
[edit] Criminal Record
While many argue Favre's name is spelled "Favre", it should be noted that it was changed from "Farve" to elude the authorities, thus confusing many people who previously knew him. This epic move was captured in the movie, The Fugitive, starring Harrison Ford as Farve, an estranged quarterback in the suburban hoods of Milwaukee. The plot of the movie circulated around the events following Favre's kidnapping and subsequent skull-rape of Ted Thompson.
[edit] Robot Skeleton
In 1264 A.D., after a failed quarterback challenge with the ghost of Jesus, Favre was force to surrender his skeleton in place of the golden fiddle that he had promised to Jesus. Determined not to miss a start, Brett survived for years eating only the groins of his defeated opponents until he was discovered by the future ghost of past John Madden, who carried him to the year 2029 in his magical Ace Hardware car, replacing his bones with those of a dead terminator. (Terminator was defeated and executed after losing a quarterback challenge to the ghost of Bart Starr)
[edit] Clone?
In the Early 90s, when Brett Favre was tearing away the competition, he was approached by his boyhood hero, Archie Manning. Archie Manning asked to buy a pint of Brett Favre's blood, so that his two High school Qb sons could play better. These two sons became known as Peyton and Eli Manning. However, some of this blood fell ino the hands of Bill Belichick, who would later draft a lousy no name quarterback from Michigan in the sixth round, he injected this Quarterback the blood, and the rest is history, However, Brett Favre would later regret selling his blood, as Eli would beat him in the 2008 NFC championship.
[edit] The Amazing Tumor of Brett Favre
A man of many talents. Some wonder how he can keep going year after year after retiring, and then another year. Some say he is a god, but it has been confirmed that he has a cancerous tumor that produces HGH that gets dispersed through out his body. The man is a machine. A very sexy, sexy machine. Look at those arms... ooohhh... The Cult of Brett Favre The Packers in fear of loosing precious dollars to higher market teams decided to sponsor a cult for the greatest of heroes Brett Favre. Since all of the Green Bay Packers executives are really just farmers they decided to hire some dude named Jesus to run the thing. (not Gee Sus but hey soos) Jesus was a Puerto Rican of Mexican descent who could hit homeruns with a broom stick.
Jesus instead of building a cult from scratch decided that he'd buy an already established one out. So he went to Utah and bought the Mormons. Now followers of Brett Favre are allowed to have multiple wives. And every passage passage in the Book of Mormon that once said "Thus saith the Lord" now says "I don't care what Peyton Manning does in the future Brett Favre is still better".
[edit] Critics of the Cult of Favre
However, there has been much criticism of the god of the cult of Favre. For instance, many of his records that he has achieved were achieved because he happened to play longer than the quarterbacks whose records he broke.
Also, during his last playoff game, he clearly showed a disregard for the rules when he tried to attempt a pass beyond the line of scrimmage during his playoff beatdown against the terrible Minnesota Vikings.
Favre was also presented the opportunity to walk on water many times, but never did. He did appear to walk on water during the last Viking-Packer game but upon closer inspection, he was walking on the back of Vikings coach Brad Childress' back during a drowning suicide attempt.
This cult is led by... who else but John Madden?
[edit] other clone
In the 2008 offseason, Brett Favre informed the Packers of his desire to retire. Panicking, the Packers tried to clone favre, however instead of creating a 21 year old Brett, as they had hoped, they created another 38 year old Brett, as both Bretts were old, The Packers decided to abort Project Clone Brett Favre. while real brett Favre bought a private island in the middle of nowhere to spend the rest of his days in peace, the Brett Favre clone started to wreak havoc on the NFL by continuing to retire, and come back, retire and come back, etc.
[edit] Records
- Most touchdown passes (442)
- Most consecutive starts (263)
- Most retirements (327)
- Most fists pumped in the air (1,216,324)
- Most lawn mowed in one hour (14,079 acres)
- Most 72-oz. steaks eaten in a one-hour period (12)
- Only person to beat Chuck Norris at everything
- Only person to actually piss excellence
- Biggest dick of all time
[edit] End of the World
After the Great Tribulation, Brett Favre served as a commander under Jesus, Aiding in the defeat of The Antichrist and his whiny douchebag assistant. He was given Jurisdiction over Wisconsin and Mississippi for his bravery and awesomeness. For these triumphs and his 327 mile run in the Wisconsin winter he has earned his spot on the list of people who could save the world. As a side note he did all 327 miles completely naked, as well as swimming across Lake Michigan.
[edit] Trivia
- Brett Favre is the final unlockable character in Super Smash Brothers. You can unlock him by beating the game on Super Ridiculous Level with 100% perfection 30 million times. Brett Favre can take out any character in one hit.
- Brett Favre can throw a football 200 yards underwater.
- Chuck Norris can win at Connect Four in three moves. Brett Favre can do it in two.
- God wears Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris wears Brett Favre pajamas.
- Brett Favre is, to this day, the only proven cure for cancer.
- When Brett Farve blinks, Costa Rica is blown away.
- Favre means God in Roman.
- The Uncle Rico character from Napoleon Dynamite was based on Favre.
