Brezhnev Doctrine

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Brezhnev pictured sans trousers, circa 1972.
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The Brezhnev Doctrine was a model of Soviet foreign policy based on enhancing the size of Leonid Brezhnev's eyebrows. It was announced at the Fifth Congress of Socialist Models and Socialist Fashion Industry Party Novwember 13 1968, which according to the Tibetan lunar calendar is the day of the Patron Saint of eyebrows.

Brezhnev was disappointed in the emaciated state of eyebrows in socialist models, caused in large part by the progressively light manner Czechoslovakia was taking with its policies on eyebrows.

Russian Political Landscape - Brezhnev Period[edit]

Brezhnev used his influence with The Warsaw Pact, the most popular satellite television network in all of Eastern Europe, to convince some other people about this serious eyebrow shortage that his country was experiencing. Brezhnev pointed the finger (Brezhnev's fingers also had eyebrows) at the "Prague Spring" being experienced in Czechoslovakia under Dubcek. The weather during the Cold War was generally ... cold. Subsequently when spring came around the standard soviet three inch eyebrows caused hardworking socialist to perspire profusely on their forehead. Whilst Russian optimism chose to view this as a forehead bidet that was bringing cleanliness the Soviet world, the Czechoslovaks had had enough of the thick eyebrows.

The Czechoslovak Socialist Party decided to elect Dubcek as premier because of his lenient stance on eyebrows. But his eyebrow reforms proved far to drastic for the rest of the Soviet world. Immediately he let people style their eyebrows in manners that were previously banned, and soon he tried to modernise the eyebrow economy and put forward free elections where candidates were not judged on their eyebrows but their policies.

For Brezhnev this was the final straw. If Soviet leaders were no longer chosen by the size of their eyebrows he could face revolution. He quickly took measures to halt Czechoslovakia's eyebrow reforms. Brezhnev and a bunch of avid Warsaw Pact watchers came in and trampled Dubcek's regime and put a new leader with large eyebrows in place.

The Brezhnev Doctrine stated that "wherever thick socialist eyebrows are under threat other countries with really motherfucking huge eyebrows would come in and blow the mofoin' shit out of those pussy little capitalist eyebrows, BIZAAAATCH! Eastside." This was a direct quote from Brezhnev right before he shot tupac and biggie (for having small eyebrows) may they rest in peace. It was primarily used to justify his eyebrow invasion of Eyebrow Czechoslovakia on the EYEBROWth of Eyebrow 196EYEBROW.

Interesting Facts[edit]

Brezhnev, despite the above comments, was actually in full support of large eyebrows and was himself ordained in the Church of latter Day Eyebrows. Surprisingly he also had large eyebrows, a fact largely neglected by Cold War historians, I'm looking at you John Lewis Gaddis.