Brian Blessed

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BRIAN BLESSED; ACTOR AND WORLD'S LOUDEST MAN HAS BEEN TERRORISING THE WORLD FOR AS LONG AS ANYONE CAN REMEMBER WITH HIS INCREDIBLY LOUD VOICE!!! (Mr Blessed is also known as the "Voice of God" and has been known to appear on various radio programmes to deliver the news and views of the Almighty)

VIKING!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Brian Blessed.

[edit] The Origin of Brian Blessed

MY ORIGIN?!!! MY ORIGIN?!! WHY I HAVE EXISTED ON THIS EARTH FOR NIGH ON ETERNITY! I AM RECORDED ON THE WALLS OF THE TOMBS OF BABYLON THEMSELVES, MY VOICE HAS TERRORISED THE DINOSAURS LIKE I'M TERRORISING YOU NOW! THERE IS NOT ONE PERSON ON THIS PLANET WHO HASN'T HEARD MY INCREDIBLY LOUD VOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!

GORDON'S ALIVE?!?

[edit] Things attributed to Brian Blessed's Voice

WHAT THINGS AM I RESPONSIBLE FOR? WELL TO START OFF, THE GRAND CANYON! THOUSANDS OF YEARS WORTH OF EROSION?! LIES I SAY! IT WAS A CRACK IN THE GROUND SPLIT OPEN BY MY CRIES OF PAIN WHEN I STUBBED MY TOE ON THE FRIDGE!

I MADE THAT!

ANYWAY, WHAT ELSE? OH YES! REMEMBER THE HIROSHIMA BOMB?! THAT WAS THE PURE SOUND OF MY VOICE HITTING THE GROUND FROM MOUNT EVEREST WHEN I GASED UPON THE VIEW FROM THE SUMMIT! IT JUST SO HAPPENED THE ENOLA GAY WAS FLYING OVER HIROSHIMA ON A SURVEILLANCE MISSION! THEY CLAIMED IT WAS THEM AND I GOT NONE OF THE GLORY! YOU KNOW, NOT MANY PEOPLE KNOW THIS, BUT THE REASON BEETHOVEN WENT DEAF WAS BECAUSE OF ME AS WELL! I WENT TO SEE HIS CONCERT IN VIENNA AND DURING THE APPLAUSE, I SHOUTED "BRAVO, ENCORE"! THE WHOLE ROOM WENT TOTALLY DEAF, ONE MAN'S HEAD

EXPLODED

BY THE SHEER SOUND OF MY VOICE! OH AND REMEMBER THAT BIG STRONG DREADLOCKED BLOKE SAMSON? YOU KNOW WHY HE LOST HIS STRENGTH? IT WAS BECAUSE HE HEARD ME! HE JUST LOST HIS HAIR AS A CONSEQUENCE...HA HA!

PEEP PEEP!

[edit] Recent television appearances

WELL I WENT OVER TO ENGLAND A FEW WEEKS AGO, BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE I LIVE AND WHILE I WAS THERE PHILIP SCHOFIELD AND Fern Britton HAD THE SHEER GALL OT ASK ME TO PLAY ON A STUPID TV SHOWS KNOWN LOCALY AS "ALL STAR MR AND MRS". WELL OF COURSE THEY SHOT ME WITH A TRANQUILIZER DART AND I HAD TO DO THE SHOW. WELL, THEY WOULD HAVE FED TIGERS TO ME YOU SEE AND I HATE TIGERS JUST SO SMALL AND MEATLESS.

[edit] Things terrified by Brian Blessed's voice

• Librarians
• Warthogs
• Dick Cheney
• Deaf People
• Window makers
• Dinosaurs (Cause of Extinction)
• People living below cliffs
• Anyone standing next to the Leaning Tower of Pisa
• Softly Spoken Orkney Islanders
• People who live near ski-resorts, fear of avalanches
• The O-zone layer, the hole was created when Brian Blessed accidentally sneezed (yep, it was that loud)
• The BBC, still terrified from the time when he hosted "Have I Got News For You?"!
• Everybody Else