Brian Molko

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Brian/Briana relaxing at home, trying her best to leave Britney alone.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Brian Molko.

“I love him/her. He/she makes me squeal with delight.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Brian Molko

“No male singer is allowed to be prettier than the ugliest girl I've slept with!”

~ Justin Timberlake on Brian Molko

“I have not had sexual relations with that um... woman.”

~ Fred Durst on Brian Molko

It has been claimed that Brian was born on Deimos,a moon off of Mars (where bandmate Stefan Olsdal and Mentor David Bowie originated).

Whereas Mars is inhabited by unusually talented, tall and freaky-eyed Martians, Brian's home planet's inhabitants are somewhat stunted due to extreme gravity, and susceptible to baldness.

Brian plays guitar and whines for the rock band Placebo.

Life of Brian[edit]

Birth and Family of the Molko[edit]

Brian claims to have been born on December 10, 1972 but recent studies have shown that he was born under the sign of the Mernimbler on the fourth solstice of Arguse.

Brian Molko was once one of the most attractive men in existence, before rumored experimentation with alpaca hair transplantation relegated him to that of 'mutton' status.

When he was born, his mother wrapped him in pink, suede leopardprint, climbed high onto the Mountain Kriznatch and offered him up unto the Gods. The Gods then imbued young Molko with the ability to wail in a nasal manner, a great talent for the cave dwelling Deimosians. Strangely, this has been beneficial to his success, causing many of the hunched-up vultures of the British music press to shuffle their feathers and and shriek with jealousy and disapproval. The reason for the success of Molko's nasal vocals is rumoured to be because of the fact that his voice is at such a pitch, that the vibrations it makes cause all fans in the surrounding area to orgasm, thereby explaining their fast-growing popularity.

He has a half brother (who grew up on Mars) named Billy Corgan who, following in the footsteps of the Duke of Phobos- David Bowie - travelled to Earth to become a Rock Star and also shares this great talent. Brian isn't in contact with his brother as he is jealous of his height and relationship to Gerard Way, whom Billy fathered in the spring of 1982.


Brian used to clothe himself in the traditional garb of his home planet, a glamorous and androgynous style but has since chosen to dress down and blend in with the natives a bit. Reports that he was recently spotted buying two sackfuls of beige wool tanktops and green tweed suits from Marks & Spencer have been vehemently denied by his spokesperson.

Appearance and Colleagues[edit]

In an attempt to cement his status as shock-inducing Nancy Boy, Molko has worked with several other lipstick wearing, gender-bending, sexually ambiguous rock-hero-types:

He currently is not speaking to Nicky Wire, as the dress wearing, shark-grinned Manic Street Preacher refused his offer of a 'quick one backstage' and called him a shirtlifter before tossing his feather boa around his shoulders and flouncing off with a bottle of Babycham.

Teenage Angst[edit]

Brian was once the poster-boy of Angst and Misery, inheriting his crown from long-time moaner and one time lover Morrissey, who has since moved on to being a grumpy old man. Unfortunately, Brian has not named a successor for the title and it is now being fought over by many scene upstarts with a Holden Caulfield obsession.


  • Molko is an old family name meaning 'ladyboy' in his native tongue.
  • Many fans and critics have discussed the theory that Brian may or may not be a Pixie, he is not. This was vehemently denied by the ghost of Kurt Cobain, who claims to be the only Rock Star Pixie.
  • Brian can speak French fluently; this is due to the fact that the only T.V. he could receive on Deimos were old re-runs of the film Gigi.
  • A former drama student, Brian has directed his own Pornographic Short-Film entitled 'Protege-Moi' starring Asia Argento and Cristina Martinez.
  • Once said that Steve Hewitt had the best hand job in the business.
  • Once slept with Kevin Nash and ripped his quad, too.
  • Has been honoured with the Molko-Latte at an extremely camp Starbucks
  • Molko is also an acronym for Man Or Lady, Killer Orgasms.

Night Life[edit]

Brian Molko is known to give the best performance of 'And All That Jazz' that has ever existed. This will make you cry tears of honeyed joy... No joke, many have said that they have seen "the creator" himself although the sex of the creator varies from time to time. If you ever get the chance to tap dance with him you will be one happy camper and will be in permanent ecstasy. There is a waiting line for a least a pirouette from Mr. Molko. One hand jive is known to make you happy for a whole year... Pure happiness. His permanent dance partner is Stefan from Placebo, although Mr. Molko does enjoy moonlighting as a member of the chorus in West End productions.

See also[edit]