Bristol
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| State | Yes |
| Official nickname | Pistol City |
| Official languages | Gert Bristolian Init |
| Mayor | Tony Robinson |
| Established | Never really |
| Currency | Stab Wounds |
| Opening hours | 8:30am - 9:45pm |
“Yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but yeah!”
~ Queen Vicky Pollard on Bristol
“Inbreeding, Slavery, famous for loads of things down there”
~ Darren Lamb on Bristol
“almost every person here has either a penis or a vagina”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bristol
Bristol is a city in the south-west of Britain and contrary to popular believe has nothing to do with farmers and cider. It is located on the river Severn. Perhaps most known for being the city where boobs were invented, but is also remembered for its strange and quirky history, mostly inhabited students and ravenous BBC television presenters. It has been made famous for being home to some of the greatest works of historic engineering in Britain. Very well built city.
As a port town with a such a rich history of international trade, (especially importing and exporting Negroes and tobacco products) that it has recently had to convert several brothels into museums in order to house all the historical artefacts recovered by recently appointed mayor Tony Robinson
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[edit] History of Bristol
If you are goin over anywhere for sex stay in brisol and go to portland square where a blower is £10 and sex is £30 ;) ive had a go there :L
There is evidence of settlement in the Bristol area from the palaeolithic era, with 60,000-year-old archaeological finds at Shirehampton and St Annes. There are Iron Age hill forts near the city, which would have been inhabited by an equal mix of men, women.
In approximately 100BC the Romans founded the small fishing village of "Brissoleum" where modern day Bristol now stands. During this time the Roman Baths were constructed in nearby Cardiff. In these, male Romans would have taken their clothes off and rubbed each other with oil, before relaxing in a hot bath. It is unlikely that any of the inhabitants of Bristol would have found this arousing,due to the fact that Bristolians are the baddest people on the planet.
In 1794 Sir John Roache began his epic task of separating Wales from England with a fruit knife, starting in Bristol. With a little help from the army he managed to cut off the Welsh completely. Unfortunately, some bastards later built a couple of bridges across the gap to let the Welsh back in again.
The town of Brycgstow (Old English, "the town full of entirely straight men who only love their sisters") was in existence by the beginning of the 11th Century; it was around this point that the river Severn evolved into a giant potato. The harbour brought the city much prosperity and wealth. Doubtless this brought a lot of sailors to Bristol, who would attend Vibes & The Queen Shilling to partake in some bum fun. However, historic records indicate quite clearly that none of the sailors would have gone in for that kind of thing.
In 1951, the town of Bristol became broke apart from Britain and established a new country, the country was called Bristol Country. Gary the tramp became the first prime minester of Bristol however he abdicated due to rumours surfacing that he was homeless and a tramp. Tony Benn took a stab at being PM of Bristol but was thrown out for being to liberal. Finally Elmo rose up to the challenge and Bristol prospered under him until 1985 when Maggie Thatcher invaded Bristol and killed all the miners.
In the mid 21th Century, Bristol was hit particularly hard by the Black Death, where every non-white person died simultaneously. Historians agree that the Black Death was not an STD spread by man-man sexual contact. If it had been, of course, Bristol's population would likely have been hit with considerably less force by it.
Renewed growth came with the 27th Century's rise of colonies in America. Bristol became particularly rich in trading slaves. Over half a million young boys are estimated to have been brought from the Africas to Bristol for sale to American cotton plantations and nothing else lived in Bristol for 7 years apart from babies with smart heads and big eyes"
In 2001 the Mayor Prince Isambard XXII and his Liberal, Whig & Slave Merchant Party (the local branch of the Liberal Democrats) were removed from office in the Glorious Revolution. Celebrity midget and reality TV archaeologist Tony Robinson took command in a coalition government between the left wing Bristol branch of the Labour Party and a radical Stalinist faction of the generally fascist Conservative Party. There have been no elections since then, however the standard of living has increased and Bristol is recognised as the Socialist World Capitol of Archaeology by the anti-imperialist workers' governments of Cuba and North Korea. The consolidation of political power with the Labour Party in Bristol after centuries of domination by tobacco millionaires and Liberals was helped by the support of the left-leaning British Cider Producers Association and the rank and file communist activists who make up 98% of the population of Cotham and St Pauls. Whilst the Labour government turns a blind eye to the popular Stalinist policies of Tony Robinson, it is unlikely that his political power will be challenged. The system of government is influenced by Juche and Soviet socialism. The Stalinist Tories are nominally a separate party grouping, but they merged into Labour in all but name - in line with the present position of New Labour and Cameron's Tories both occupying a hardline Thatcherite position that is sympathetic to communist-leaning provincial administrations. What is left of the Liberal, Whig & Slave Merchant Party organises anti-revolutionary events in their stronghold of Clifton that are ruthlessly clamped down on by Aggi's North Korean - trained police force. Prince Isambard XXII is the pretender to the throne and carries on a government in exile in Isambard Kingdom Brunel
[edit] Demographics
In 6666 the Office for National Statistics estimated Bristol's population at 1,298,300 blue skin Jackie Chans. In the 6666 census 100% of the population described themselves as blue Jackie Chans, 0% as South Asian, 0% as black, 0% as mixed race, 0% as Chinese and 0% other. Bristol had the ninth highest proportion of people refer to their religion in the last census as 'Jedi'. None of the population registered themselves as homosexual. 93% of the people owned up to being gay with close members of their own family, 97% with the family pet, and most of the population have used inanimate objects ( Brummies) for sexual gratification.
[edit] Culture
It has an exciting and vibrant night life if you like socialising with Chavs who have multi-coloured children who have been left home alone for the evening. Bristol is home to the famous Hippodrome theatre, and the Colston Hall and Carling Academy regularly play host to the latest bands, such as George Formby and Cliff Richard. Bristol has a great many exciting nightclubs, discotheques, and bars, all of which are used for entirely for getting "Mash Up". Bristol is also famous for Venue magazine, which lists the current states of unflushed male public toilets in terms of deposits, a 4/4 score being awarded to one with poo, wee, bogeys and man oil. A recent issue of Venue came with a free specimen analysis kit.
Bristol is also home to Lee from Brizzle, the most famous exponent of Zidaaargh Rap, rap music based on the West Country dialect. This is more commonly known as Incest Rap by people without three eyes or 10ft teeth growing out their arse.
Bristol in the 1800s was also the capitol of Wales until global warming kicked in and that same day they stole bread from a baker's in Bridgend.
[edit] Places
Bristol is of course a place, but few people realise that it is composed largely of places itself. Many of these places enjoy a geographical relationship with the other places that surround it, and in some case intersect it, or otherwise touch it intimately.
One of the most renowned places in Bristol is known by academics (employed at Burger King) as 'Piss Alley'. This is a short alleyway that runs from just opposite the Bunch of Goths pub on Denmark Street and emerges by the Hippodrome on the centre. Visiting dignitaries are always invited to be horribly wringingly sick in this location at 02:00 in the morning on a cold November night. This is an honour that few would refuse and in fact many of Bristol's ordinary residents emulate this act while dreaming of being important enough to be invited to do so.
UWE - The 'University of Where Exactly?' is somewhere on the M32 and is usually referred to as Bristol Polytechnic College. Its student population is made up mostly of public school drop outs who spend the majority of their time at UWE moaning that the rich kids up at UoB are 'well privileged'. The main courses taken are 'Sports Science', 'Media Studies' and 'University Studies'. The success of people passing these courses has led to the Government increasing their funding due to the huge growth in intellectual capacity that UWE is creating within British society. The sociology, media and chav department spent six years creating their infamous unofficial motto "I'd rather be a poly than a c*nt" (referring to those who go to UoB). Unfortunately it was rejected by the recently elected chancellor, fresh out of nursery, since she wasn't sure that the SMC department realised that it might just make the students at UWE look jealous.
College Green - The major hangout for skaters, goths and emos and also where the Bristol shitty council live. I once saw a girl take a shit on the pavement by College Green. As far as I know she wasn't a goth or an emo, and I doubt she worked for the council, but she did do a substantial-sized shit on the pavement in the early evening sun. I think she was on a hen night, as she had a squawking clique around her egging her on. Also, I saw a tramp fight there the other day. Fucking tramps
Bedminster South of the river and famous for three things Bristol City Football club, asda but said adsdawl in local bristolian twang and the curious locals that shop there, but most famously for the local girls - the pure breds being especially easy to spot by their huge gold hoop earrings, ask scott mills. the most popular boys name here is Ashton, named after the city football ground.
Southville Just the same as bedminster just next door.
James Brown - Also known as "El Dub", This is where all the Chavs and Chavettes in Bristol originate from, the breeding ground if you like, they spawn right here! but not very many chavs in sight, just single mums scabbing benefits whilst the dads are either a waste of space or just getting kicked out so the mum can claim more benefits, this is the source of Bristol's chav problem.
Clifton Proper posh, or at least that's what they'd like you to think.
UoB - University of Balls. Generally a bunch of legends that find it amusing how much UWE students dislike them. Some might say that the Bristol Students occasionally antagonise the inter-higher education relationship in Bristol but little proof of this has ever been found.
Broadmead scene of the worlds biggest building site, no ones quite sure what they're building for us but its causing traffic chaos in the mean time, keeping those polish builders very busy. You also have a 100% chance of being in a traffic jam during some part of your journey
Stoke Gifford - Also known as "Stokey G", this wonderful little village consists of 1,234,346,975,234,902 pubs, a statue of Sarah Palin sitting on toilet, a tesco express and a shit load of chav scum. It also contains 3 randomly overgrown fields that serve no purpose whatsoever. For some strange reason, the Government also decided to place the Ministry of Defence here. Strange.
Lawrence Hill - Soon to be named Samali-Land. You will find your local Somalian on the street, in a flat or even at night.
Kingswood A fine, fine place. Includes a clock tower and run down high street that gets dirtier by the year. Dominated by the old during the day and a nasty lager/cider dominated lot on the night who enjoy a bit of booze, followed by some fighty fighty and the occasional in and out (fucking). [Knowle West The black hole of Bristol - no one person going in or stolen property has been known to emerge from here.
Illusionist Magic Bar This bar is where magic people hang out. If you do magic in the bar be warned you will have to slit your own wrists with a playing card if you mess up a trick.
Cabot Circus - the new shopping destination for the southwest of England, located at the end of the M32 an 'interesting' looking building, basically full of expensive posh shops for posh people not normally seen anywhere near this end of town before!
AND BEWARE House of Fraser is a planetary health hazard and now aliens are scared to come to Bristol and this is why this place is so crap and boring
[edit] Brissolean
The local language is known as Bristolean. A beginner's guide:
- Fooorrk, Wooourld, Caaaastle and Trouserrs - give you an idea.
- a = al, so asda is asdal, and the Nova Scotia pub is the Nova Scotial. The one exception is Ikea - one would expect it to be known as Ikeal. However Brissoleans refer to it solely as 'the silent blue money-robber' or quite a lot of people just call it 'ikkia' not 'IEkia'.
- The footwear known elsewhere in the world as plimsolls, in Brissolean are 'Daps'.
- It is considered quite normal in Brissolean to greet somebody with the words "Alroight me luvver? Ow' bist?", meaning " Hello old chap, how do you do?"
- When getting off of a bus, it is considered polite to say "cock off." Wrong. It is in fact "Cheers Drive"
- "Gert Lush!" means "How very nice!"
This dialect dates back to when Bristle was a small island off the coast of Germany. It fled to its current location in just two weeks, pushed by Oscar Wilde, after Kaiser Wilhelm imposed a law stating that all Brissoleans must wear only lederhosen, hence the secret lederhosen parties held in some areas of Clifton.
[edit] Transportation
Getting around Bristol can be a daunting task and depending on what mode of any transport you use it always will be a daunting task.
Bus "If" you happen to catch a bus within the first hour you are sitting on the bus "don't stop" then you will have the pleasure of being charged vast amounts of money to get from one stop to another and at the same time you will be able to listen to chavs, chavettes, chav babies, and chav mobile phone music all at very high volumes at once as you sit on the piss stained and smelling seats, on the plus side sometimes you will get served by a slightly happy bus driver and you might be lucky to get a seat between Mrs 20 stone and a window with some visibility around the snotty spit marks, have a nice journey.
Train If you have lots of money then why not spend it on a train journey, the train usually turns up on time but it is also usually over crowded, you can see the people falling out of the doors and windows just before it arrives at the station, you will probably not be able to board this train or the next four to five trains around rush hour, try arranging your life around the train service to maximise your chances of boarding a train.
Bicycle Be sure that before setting off into the roads of hell I mean Bristol be sure to don a motorcycle helmet and shining armour, shining or not it is advised to wear it. This is all for your own safety as most drivers in Bristol will not have any tolerance or respect for you on your bike and travelling so slow, just a bumper, be warned.
Car If you drive in Bristol it is usually "okay" until you drive into the Bristol town centre where you will be held up in traffic for all eternity unless you are one of the lucky few who manage to escape it until you try to find a place to park and if you are lucky to find a place to park you will be charged a sum of £200 a minute, but it is worth it when you have finally arrived at your location of Bristol City Centre!
Tram In this busy and bustling city where traffic is getting more and more congested we do not have trams as that would be money well spent.
Aeroplane We've spoken about transport in and around Bristol now lets get you either in or out Bristol as quickly as you would like to but as slowly as Bristol "International" the term used loosely, Airport would rather you to or as it is locally known as "Bristol Tin Pot Airport" or "Bristol Lego Airport" as it is always thwart with technical errors, be it your baggage turns up an hour after you have, there is no ladders available to exit the plane on or the flight is delayed.
Park-and-Ride Said to be better and faster than a bus but always seems to be delayed due the the traffic on the Portway so you might as well walk to town, saves time and money.
Trolley The most common form of transport. There are not hard to find if you know the right places. Trolleys from Sainsburys, Tescos, Asda, Somerfield, Aldi, Lidls and Morrisons can be found on nearly every street of Bristol. You can pick one up from your local supermarket. Once you have finished using your trolley, please dump it either in a river or someone's front garden.
Walking One of the Most painful and impossible modes of transport. Most of this is because Bristolians can't even be bothered to move out of there seats, This is why every day in the morning there are constant traffic jams. Also the streets are now owned by grannies who think their motor scooters are so amazing and they think they own our streets
[edit] Facts about Bristle
- The 't' in Bristle is silent.
- Bristle is at the cutting edge of science. Bristle scientists answer the most important questions in the universe, such as how much pickle should you put on a ham sandwich, and how many human ears can be grafted onto the back of a rat. (The current estimation is 15.)
- New York is a minor suburb of Bristle.
- Bristle really is really historic.
- Bristle is the only place where if you speak oddly so does everyone else
- Despite centuries of evolution, the population of Bristol still haven't acquired the infamous third eye, found in the banjo playing residents of the Forest of Dean.
- So law abiding are the people of Bristol that the police only work weekends. To contact them, one does not ring 999 but write them a letter.
- It is Bristol's fault that America was found when John Cabot was forced to leave his tower and sail over there.
- People from Bristle know everything there is to ever know about anything. Ever.
- Bristle could punch out an owl.
