Britannia Mafia
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| Britannia Mafia | |
 | |
| Type | Crime Business |
| Creator | James May |
| Starring | James May Huw Ceredig Billie Piper Gary Glitter Dawn French |
| TV Station | BBC 1 |
| Running Length | 60 Minutes |
| Theme Tune | Take on Me by Ah-Ha |
| No. of episodes | 6 |
| No. Series | 1 |
| Country of Origin | UK |
Britannia Mafia is the first television series based on the very popular and feared mafia in Britain. The shows creator and lead actor is well known rebel James May. The show airs on BBC 1 as the show is deemed too mainstream for BBC 2 and to unsuitable for the imature audience of BBC 3, on which rival show CSI: Swansea airs. A second series is now being filmed. File:Ceredig.jpg
Contents |
[edit] Beginning
The show was originally going to be aired on Channel 4, but they decided another 'pathetic' series of Big Brother was required so this took the budget up so James May took the proposition to the BBC who decided to dump the show after the news on friday nights before Jonathan Ross bores the nation with his anecdotes. The show attracts mainly Top Gear presenters in guest roles due to May's 'connections'.
[edit] Premise
Because James May dresses and mentally lives in the 1970's, the series itself is set within said period. The series is apprently set then because of all the corruption in the police force. The mafia element also shows the violence within the public and the force during that period. Commenting on why he set the series in the 1970's, May said "I wanted to be able to swear, be racist and beat the cock out of people every week on the show. If the show was set in the modern day then that would be impossible as everyone is far too PC. So when I told the BBC that I wanted the show to be set in the seventies so that I could swear etc, they said why not!". The series deals with the ongoing story of James May's character - whose name escapes me - who is an ex-police officer who was sacked because he was corrupt. His character is now the head of the Britania Mafia who go around 1970's Britain causing as much trouble as possible, while there is a sub-story of the corruption within the force, which May's character often uses as a way to evade prison within the show. Overall the BBC press release described the series as "Life On Mars goes on a dinner date with the BNP while the team from CSI watch from another table..."
[edit] Theme Tune
The show has a very distinct theme tune, creator James May said of the theme tune what it represents:
| What me and the producers wanted was a theme tune to capture the publics imagination about the show, we soon discovered Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson was too expensive so we went with Take on Me by Ah-Ha. |
The shows closing theme is one sung by May and his gang in a simular way to the song that Michael Caine and his gang sing at the end of the Italian Job. The only difference between the two are that the words are completly different. For the closing theme the song is sung to the tune of "Rule Britania" and goes along the lines of:
- Britannia Mafia!
- Britannia Mafia want to rule the waves
- They want the rest of Briton to become their slaves...etc etc.
[edit] Cast
[edit] Britannia Mafia
- James May as Johnny 'The Hook' Kenneth Higginbottom (1x01 - Present) - A twenty-something (cough cough!) stereotypical motorbike rebel and grand overlord of the London maffia. Higgenbottom is an ex-police officer who left after they discovered he was corrupt, and locked him away in prison as a result. He however maintains that he left because the force was becomming too PC. Johnny is known for arse-raping victims with his long, curvy hook and when trying to evade Police capture he disguises himself as a white masked tamed racing driver. James May was chosen for the role for two main reasons. The first being that he was tipped to take over the main role on rival show CSI:Swansea from Lee Evan's but the bastards that produce that show decided to cast Vic Reeves instead. Secondly; everyone knows he has racist tendencies and his hatred of cockney rhyming slang so the producers decided that May's character would be based in the most multicultural city in Europe.
Johnny 'The Hook' Higginbottom: Don't mess with him he doesn't like disrespect.
- Huw Ceredig as Dai 'The Pie' Llewelyn (1x01 - Present) - The only Non-English speaker of the Maffia, the producers ran out of budget at the choice for this role so they turned to Wales and got one of it's best young rising actors. Dai is known to like pies to due his size. Is a pimp on the side of his maffia duties.
- Dawn French as 'Some manwoman the maffia hired to do the Finances' (1x01 - Present) - Her name is never revealed throughout the show as with her/his gender. The maffia nicknamed her 'Boar the Whore' due to grotesque appearance and size. She somehow ends up with the maffia on it's quests.
- Jonathan Ross as Buck 'The Duck' Buckowski (2x03 - Present) - The latest member of the maffia, he is American but not overweight, he likes the Carry On Films and Eastenders, he frequently likes to insult people on their answering machines. Has his own chat show after Britannia Mafia airs.
- Unknown as Earl Hacker (1x01 - Present) - The Mafia's hacker who can hack any computer, bank vault, telephone etc. he is an ex-pickpocket who was kicked out of military school after he hacked a government computer and almost caused world war three. He is now part of the team and is used whenever they need to break into something. His common weapon of choice is a bit of two-by-four, which he claims is the same size as his penis.
- Madison Welch as Busty Sinclair (1x01 - Present) - Higgenbottoms page three glamour model girlfriend, she is often nicknamed "Huge tits, tight arse" by the gang. She comes across as thick on many occasions, but is actually quite clever as she knows all the ins and outs of the female genital region. Her interests include flower arranging, sex and making things pretty.
[edit] The Telford Ten
A rival gang from Telford, which is made up of eleven members as the people from there cannot count. Each member is named after a number:
- Unknown as Number One: The leader of the gang.
- Unknown as Number Two: Female, girlfriend of Number One.
- Unknown as Number Three: A four year old kid, who is sleeping with his dad's girlfriend.
- Unknown as Number Four: The fourth member of the gang.
- Unknown as Number Five: Likes meals out and long walks in the country before he puts a cap in his victims ass.
- Unknown as Number Six: Was expelled from school because he set fire to it so there was no school to go to, lives with his pet fish, his parents left before he was born.
- Unknown as Number Seven: Female. Named Number Seven as she has had seven previous sexual partners.
- Unknown as Number Eight: Once tried to rape herself, not really that clever but somehow has a boyfriend.
- Unknown as Number Nine: Looks like they have been hit in the face with a brick because they have been hit in the face with a brick.
- Unknown as Number Ten: The only gang member whose real name has been mentioned. He first name is Ben as he is Number ten because it rhymes. Ironically he is also ten years old.
- Unknown as The One That Tags Along: The one who wants to be part of the gnag and makes out they are hard when they are not. This person makes up the eleventh member of the gang.
[edit] Americana Gang
Another gang from New York who are also against the Britannia Mafia. It is made up of three members. The gang will appear in series two:
- Tom Cruise as That One Guy who Stares at people with an Eye patch (2x01 - Present) He is an 'old fucking pirate' (described to that by Dai) who has sailed the seas for years and years. One day during the ages of World War Two, he was still amazingly young and still wore an eye patch (because you KNOW it looks awesome), however, his eye was cut out by nazis when he tried to plunder a Japanese battleship by throwing his own eye at it, so he can actually say his eye was cut out and that's why he wore an eye patch instead of having to lie.
- Barry off Eastenders as Ronald Witherspoon (2x01 - Present) Pushed his scheming wife off a cliff at Yellowstone, the producers wanted an American actor but thought no let's go for that guy who used to be on Eastenders oh whats his name? William Shaunson oh forget it Barry of Eastenders.
- Rowan Atkinson as Mr Bean Blackadder (2x01 - Present) The comic relief character of the show as he is a complete blithering idiot.
[edit] Triads (Recurring Roles)
- Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li (1x06, 1x10, 2x01, 2x02 and 2x06-Present) - The Triad leader, the Britannia Maffias biggest rival. Ching Chong has a sister called Ting Tong who appears in sketch show Little Britain.
- Gordon Ramsay as Ping Ling Do (2x06-Present) - Ching Chongs main henchman only appears later on series two. Says lots of angry words at enemies in Chinese, some people say that these are swear words.
[edit] Sleeping With The Fishes
- Gary Glitter as Jeremy 'The Rod' Sweeney (1x01 - 2x02) - A former sex offender, Johnny offers him a job with his maffia as Jeremy knows how to use his gun but in the incorrect places. He like to kill his victims by using his long, thick, hard rod to tear up victims.
[edit] The Rozzers/The Neapolitan Police
- Philip Glenister as Superintentdant Harry Cox - The head of the Neapolitan police who is trying to stop all the corruption etc etc. His common lines included "Drop it! You are surrounded by armed fuckers!" and "I wouldn't mind giving her a going over with the old feather duster". He drives a caprigear and wears a long trenchcoat with the buttons missing. He always carrys 24 hipflasks on him. One for every hour of the day. Glenister was cast in the role because he lives and works in a 1970's timewarp for the BBC.
- James Nesbitt as DCI Somethingorother - Not sure on his identity, the DCI once hit is head on his kitchen worktop and he woke up thinking he was one man but he actually has a hidden side to him that can emerge at times. He comes across slitghtly camp at times and appears to have Biopolar Disorder which causes his personality to shift from good to evil. When he is being evil he has to keep himself away from his family and work collegues by holding up in a run down flat.
- Ross Kemp as DI Grant "Shiny Head" Shiner - The second in command blow Philip Glenister's character. He enjoys making documentaries in his spare time. His family owns an eastend pub called The Red Lion in which he helps out either when he cannot be arsed to work or when he is not working. He is built like a brick shit and anyone who gets on the wrong side of him is blinded by his shiney head.
- Rupert Henry Jones as Detective Barry Scrotes - The detective asigned to the department that is out to catch the Britannia Mafia. Scrotes gets the mickey taken out of him because of his surname but in actuality he is very clever and is a pro at the card game Old Maid. He can down a pint using his leg and calculate the stopping distance of his police car when he is not even in it. he shares a flat with DI Shiner.
- Lee Evans as Constable Stacey Wiliams (1x01 - Present) - His partners alsways takes the mickey out of him due to his surname being Wiliams which is the incorrect spelling. Likes to put whistles in his mouth, his favourite songs are 'Flawless' and 'Club Tropicana'. Oh yeah he is gay by the way. Evan's decided he might like to play the role after he was sacked from rival show CSI:Swansea, the producers of Britannia Mafia agreed.
- John Prescott as Constable Ken Pavarotti (1x01 - Present) - He is Stacey's massivly overweight partner he is homophobic, hates anything to do with Wham! and George Michael, and despises incorrect spellings idealy a perfect double act. Has affairs with attractive women who are self-concious about themselves and feel equal having sex with a big fat whale huffing and puffing on top of them.
[edit] Episodes
So far one series of thirteen episodes has aired with another series of six episodes in the pipeline.
[edit] Series One - Early 2009
| Episode Number | Episode Title | Written By | Airdate (UK) | Short Summary | Number of Viewers |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | The Co-Pilot
(90 Minutes Long Plus Interval) | James May | 30th January 2009 | Johnny/Jonny Higginbottom is released from prison into a changed 1970’s Britain. After banging his girlfriend and re-recruiting his gang: The Britannia Mafia, he sets about getting revenge on a former gang member who turned him in for a bacon bap. Luckily the man is now a co-pilot for Concorde, a make of plane the gang are also trying to put out of action. Can Higginbottom kill two birds with one stone? Nah he’s going to use a gun and a faulty wing nut!
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as the Co-Pilot | 8 Million Viewers |
| 2 | The Hooded Claw | James May | 6th February 2009 | A hooded man is posing as Higginbottom and arse raping people with a steel claw. Can the gang track down the man responsible to Hull and deliver some old school British justice, of course they can!
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as The Hooded Man | 6.5 Million Viewers |
| 3 | Slumpdead Millionaire | James May’s Wife | 13th February 2009 | Strapped for cash the gang head to that rich part of London where all the posh people live and murder a millionaire in an attempt to make some money however when they arrive the bloke is already dead. What will they do now? | 4.5 Million Viewers |
| 4 | Taffia Caffia | James May | 20th February 2009 | The Taffia (Cardiff Mafia) take over the Britannia's mafia's cafe in Cardiff and they won’t stand for this so they place an import fee on the Severn Bridge of £5.10 to stop supplies getting to the cafe as this price is ridiculous.
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Taffia Leader | 8 Million Viewers |
| 5 | A Fistful Of Sandwich | James May’s Best Friends Boss | 27th February 2009 | The Britannia Mafia agree to go head-to-head with The Taffia (Cardiff Mafia) in an illegal boxing match to see who is better. Yet when Higginbottom sees who The Taffia has put in the ring, he may have to pack a few punches himself in order to win. The stakes are high and the sandwiches are cold, who will win?
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Taffia Boxer Sammy “The Sandwich” | 7.2 Million Viewers |
| 6 | Scare the Air | James May’s Iraqi Equivalent | 6th March 2009 | The Mafia decides to expand its operations and attempt a takeover of Glasgow Airport, but things go wrong when Bin Laden and his Al-Qaeda mafia take-over by driving into the terminal building. This allows Johnny to use his hooks to nipple-cripple Bin Liner (an Iraqi terrorist). | 4 Million Viewers |
| 7 | François Passage | James May’s Cheese Eating Uncle | 13th March 2009 | The mafia blows up the Eurostar as Johnny is sick of the influx of illegal immigrants.
Guest Appearance of Bernard Manning in a coffin with the words BNP scrawled over it. | 6.7 Million Viewers + The BNP but not UKIP (they like the Blacks but hate the French) |
| 8 | Round the Bend | James May | 20th March 2009 | Stacey and Ken discover that the unlicensed, untaxed, uninsured armoured truck in front of them is speeding so they end up chasing it around the one way system in Central London.
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Angry Congestion Charge Payer. | 9.2 Million Viewers |
| 9 | A Bird In The Flat | James May & John Leslie | 27th March 2009 | Higginbottom discovers a new Vietnamese girl has moved in to the flat next door to the Mafia’s Mission HQ which may compromise operations, so he decides to get inside her and investigate... | 5.1 Million Viewers |
| 10 | You’d Butter Believe It | James May & Tom Jones | 3rd April 2009 | Jeremy complains that he is not getting full satisfaction during sex, so Higginbottom allows the mafia to break into every Safeway supermarket in the UK and steal the butter which Buck can use as lube. At the same time it will also annoy the Triad Leader who has invested a lot of money in Safeway and Butter.
Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li | 3.5 Million Viewers |
| 11 | Exhausted | James May, Liz Windsor & Someone Else | 10th April 2009 | Higginbottom wants to get back at the Neapolitan Police after they give the Mafia’s van a parking ticket so he deliberately steals fifty cars and parks them on double yellows. Will the police see red? | 7.45 Million Viewers |
| 12 | Curvy Hook, Line & Sinker | James May | 17th April 2009 | While making out with Busty, Higginbottom comes up with a plan to cut the towns power by severing the lines. In addition he thinks it may be a good idea to take out the cities plumbing at the same time. With a grate plan in store Higginbottom will need all his underworld connections to pull this off before the idea goes down the drain. | 4.0 Million Viewers |
| 13 | Road Kill – Part One | James May Dressed Up As Liz Windsor | 24th April 2009 | Jeremy meets the boss who is annoyed with him, and Johnny disowns him after the incident next door to Mission HQ, and Jeremy walks down the street and is taken hostage by the Ching-Chong Maffia will he live or die? (You'll have to wait till the next series).
Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li. | 14.8 Million Viewers (The increase of viewers was due to the media stating that Gary Glitter would die in this episode). |
[edit] Series Two - Late 2009
A second series will air in September 2009 where it will be revealed whether Jeremy is dead or alive or caught with his trousers down, and a new member is in the maffia.
| Episode Number | Episode Title | Written By | Airdate (UK) | Short Summary | Number of Viewers |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 14 | Road Kill – Part Two | James May Dressed Up As Liz Windsor | 4th September 2009 | Ching Chong Li tortures Jeremy by forcing him to watch legal age porn, which makes his cock fall off. All this while the mafia attempt to track him down.
Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond Ching Chong Li | 10,000,000 Viewers |
| 15 | Road Kill – Part Three | James May Dressed Up As Liz Windsor | 11th September 2009 | Jeremy tries to escape but Ching Chong Li decides Jeremy's time is up and uses his face as a dart board. While the mafia party when the news of his death is announced.
Guest Appeareance of Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li Last Appearance of Jeremy Sweeney | TBC |
| 16 | Man U R Dead | Alex Ferguson Held At Gunpoint By James May | 18th September 2009 | The mafia travel to Manchester to disrupt the game between United and City so that Dai can pickpocket spectators.
Guest Appearances of George Best as man at the bar and Jeremy Clarkson as Complaining City Fan. First Appearance of Buck Buckowski | TBC |
| 17 | Cop Shop | James May’s Only Friend | 25th September 2009 | Ken and Stacey take Dai Llewellyn into custody due to his connection in a robbery of a Cornish Pasty in Kent but only Stacey can understand Welsh as his Welsh grandmother made him play the piano singing Welsh songs and if he got a word wrong she would hit him with a dirty stick. Will he be able to translate the interrogation?
Guest Appearance of Anne Robinson as Stacey's Welsh grandmother in a frightening flashback. | TBC |
| 18 | The Views A Bit Plane | James May While Watching Porn | 2nd October 2009 | The mafia take their dealings to Dublin where they attempt to destroy the airline British Airways as they lost Johnny's stamp collection which was in his luggage. Yet when the mafia get to Dublin they soon realise that BA are actually based in London!
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as a Female Flight Attendant. | TBC |
| 19 | Mum's Bun's Are Yum | James May While Eating A Sandwich | 9th October 2009 | The mafia take over a bakery in Edinburgh but a problem arises when Triads come in for their weekly loaf of bread and realises that Juliet McPherson isn't serving them.
Guest Appearance of Richard Hammond as Ching Chong Li and Gordon Ramsay as Ping Ling Do. | TBC |
| 20 | Schiezen Hole | James May While On The Toilet]] | 16th October 2009 | The mafia take revenge on a German sewer worker in Oxford after he did a dodgy job on Buck Buckowski toilet causing it to wobble when someone went to take a dump. Can the mafia fix the problem?
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Sewer Worker | TBC |
| 21 | Something A Bit Fishy About All This | James May & James May | 23rd October 2009 | Higginbottom gets a phone call from the Telford Ten claiming that they have kidnapped his girlfriend Busty while she was on the regular daily condom run. He is then given a set of instructions to take out the Triads fish and chips businesses, a task he must complete or Busty will be murdered. Higginbottom complies with their demands, but he smells something fishy going on, and it’s not just Busty’s underwear!
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Man in the line in the Chip Shop | TBC |
| 22 | The Stopover | James May | 30th October 2009 | It’s Halloween and the mafia are attempting to get to Durham to do some trick-or-treating, but after their van breaks down they are forced to stay the night in a creepy B&B in a remote village outside Nottingham. While there they appear to be haunted by Winston Churchill’s “ghost”, scared by this the team call in an exorcist to investigate who deduces that the mafia are being targeted by the Durham Street Elite.
Guest Appearance of Bruce Willis as The guy of the exorcist and Jeremy Clarkson as Winston Churchill | TBC |
| 23 | Finger-ing More Thighs | Lisa Lee Dark – James May’s Bit On The Side | 6th November 2009 | Higginbottom is forced to go it alone and get away from the Rozzers who have found his fingerprints in a young woman’s vagina when it was really Brian May posing as him. Can he clear protect his name and his dignity?
Guest Appearance of Ann Widdecombe as the Young Woman and Frankie Boyle as Wise-Cracking Cop | TBC |
| 24 | Throw The Dynamite, Duck House And Cover | Lisa Lee Dark – James May’s Bit On The Side | 13th November 2009 | After the mafias local MP refuses planning permission for their new germ warfare factory, they go to his house and destroy his £2500 duck house with shit loads of dynamite.
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Local MP and Gordon Brown as the twat on the radio | TBC |
| 25 | You Can’t Beat A Bit Of Bully! | James May From Inside His Lover | 20th November 2009 | The mafia has a darts showdown with the triads to see who will win Higginbottom special prize – a speedboat full of drugs.
Recurring Role of Richard Hammond and Gordon Ramsey as Ching Chong Li and Ping Ling Do | TBC |
| 26 | He Couldn’t Hacker This – Part One | James May Again | 27th November 2009 | Higginbottom comes up with a plan to rob a bank on Baker Street and steal the contents of the safe-deposit boxes there, but it requires Earl Hacker to hack the vaults door. With the plan in place Hacker accidently hacks the into the national defense gird and launches a missile against London, a crime that gets him arrested and leads to a long interrogation. Can he get himself released and warn the mafia before the missile hits?
Guest Appearance of Jeremy Clarkson as Interrogator#1 and Rik Mayall as Interrogator#2. | TBC |
[edit] Series Two Christmas Special
| Episode Number | Episode Title | Written By | Airdate (UK) | Short Summary | Number of Viewers |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 27 | He Couldn't Hacker This - Part Two | James May | 25th December 2009 | The mafia's plan for the robbery has to be replanned (which takes a whole bloody long hour) after Earl Hacker is carted off by the rozzers and it all goes wrong right at the last second as Earl is released and tells the mafia that the missile he accidently fired is heading right for them - forcing you to watch the part two in the next series.
Guest Appearance of Bruce Forsyth as Arrested Pervert and Jeremy Clarkson as an Elvis impersonator. | TBC |
[edit] Trivia
- Both James May and Lee Evan's stars in the show.
- James May's character says "Oh Cock!" at least 167 times per episode.
- The courts forced Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson to make guest appearances on the show as May best saw fit as compensation for the fact that they destroyed two of his pianos on the BBC motoring show Top Gear.
- Ironically when May's character is trying to evade capture from the police in the series he disguises himself as a white masked racing driver.
- James May is nicknamed Captain Slow.
- Alot of this trivia is probably a load of bollocks...apart from the above!
- There are rumours of a feature film called Britannia Maffia: The Two Towers the title refers to the two towers of old wembley stadium.
[edit] Criticism
Despite the first series doing very well indeed in the ratings the series has been critised for a number of reasons. The BBC got numberous complaints complaining that the series was far too graphic with James May raping his victims (not literally...we think?!) as well as being overly racist. The episodes were also critised as having far too many modern elements present, for example one man said that when the team stole a ginsters pasty in one of the episodes he saw a pack of Pringles on the shelf below the pasty and he knows for a fact that Pringles were not around in the 1970's. James May's hairstyle was also cristised one reviewer commented "Does his hair not change at all? I watched Britannia Mafia and his hair was long then I turned over to Top Gear and his hair was exactly the same. Whats the deal with that?" Some of the complaints to the BBC also accused the series of not being serious enough. One ex-policeman from the 1970's said that when he saw the violent scenes they were very mild compared to what went on in real life. This man asked the series to be more realistic in future.
[edit] DVD Releases
- Britannia Mafia: The Complete Series One (& A Few Added Extras) - Release Date: Sometime during November 2009. Add it to your christmas list or the maffia will gun you down!!!
[edit] Britannia Mafia: The Video Game
Britannia Mafia: The Video Game is set to be released on the 14th September 2009, it will be rated PG for a scary scene involving the Teletubbies. The game has been critisized for having nothing to do with the TV series whatsoever and copying the story from GTA: San Andreas, it will be released on the Amstrad, Playstation, Xbox 360 and on PC. The game has several similar things in common with the game Holocaust Tycoon.
