British

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“Top hole! What a spiffing day it is! A time for the younguns to go an yadoodle in mufti while the uppitys squander the old talk!”
~ The Queen on ...something...
“To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity.”
~ Oscar Wilde on dissagreements with bad teeth

British \Brɪ'ti:ʃ\, a. Almost as bad as Americans. b. Variant of brutish. A lesser spotted type of person(s) found situated on a small island off the coast of Europe. The British people are known round the world as a tea drinking, French hating society, however, there is more to British society than first meet the eye (or the ear, or the foot). But, unless you stop smiling, throw yourself in that puddle, and then start queing, we're never going to tell you.


Social Structure[edit]

The British have a social structure in which a number of all female 'workers' maintain their country under the rule of the Queen. The appearance of two sexes has been created for the purpose of entertaining each other and to maintain the fashion industry, and to draw attention away from their violent disposition. The others base their lives on following the US and at the same time trying to critisize them for the negitives(they learn from the us mistakes), and entertaining themselves.

Female workers are broken into three separate types; "workers", "leaders", and "rulers" (see amazons). Though differing somewhat throughout the species, the hive structure remains relatively the same throughout the world.

Teenage sociology in Britain is complex and ruled by Prince Harry the Druggy, who is the god of God.

Population Distribution[edit]

The British no longer inhabit Britain, as they all emigrated to such cultural bastions as Los Angeles, Melbourne and Spanish cities. These cities have vibrant British communities, each with their own "Londontown" district in which traditional cuisine is served, football hooliganism is practised, the weather is complained about and ale is quaffed. Britain was taken over in the 80s by a new people called chavs coming from a former colony, Manchestershire.

The Spanish community of British people flourishes like flowers getting an abundance of water. In Spain the British appear as bright green sun-burnt, fat bellied, tourists with stripy red and blue shirts and shorts and an idiot hat placed upon their head. They can also be easily identified by their familiar cry of "Whatchoo mean there's no fucking chips?". Ironically more British are in Spain than in Britain itself, the Spanish government has thus forced all British to move south into Gibraltar, Ibiza and Maldives. Ironically the British complain about immigrants to their country on a regular basis and dislike eating caviar.

Language[edit]

Most differences between British and American English were invented by Teddy Roosevelt in a futile effort to make the language make more sense. He only succeeded in creating another large well of insults for Britons to throw at Americans.)

The British language is spoken in Britain and British Columbia. It's the truest form of English as God intended the language to be, unlike American "English" which is just a poor bastardisation[1]used by those who are illiterate and those who suffer from chronic bouts of stupidity. British characters in films are usually played by Americans trying to imitate the superior British accents but who fail miserably, like Germany in two world wars and one world cup - all of which were well on the way to being won by the British before the arrival of Britain's unruly lovechild, the United States. The British people are also widely known for brutally attacking Americans and giving false directions to loud-mouth tosspot American tourists and sending them down the nearest council estate, where a 100% chance of being stabbed awaits them. What the British fail to realise is that as most American men are still in possession of their pre-pubescent testicles also they lack brain power, and they're just angry all their women like british guys, even the ones with bad teeth. (unlike their pussy British counterparts), and thusly are not too bothered about a bunch of little white kids with 2-inch plastic knives as people carry GUNS in America and are relatively used to that. It should be noted that The Southmead Council Estate in Bristol has dispatched so many American tourists that the whole area has been internationally condemned for war crimes. This move is widely seen as political correctness gone mad.

There are many areas of Britain where spoken language has been completely replaced by pointing and grunting. Many people from 'Other Nations' may consider this is a retrograde step. It is however a highly efficient manner of communication and is entirely suitable for the moronic lifestyles adopted by these utter plebs, known around the world as chavs.

We Brits maybe easily pissed off, but we don't have pot bellies and crooked teeth! All right, our teeth are pretty bad, but at least we don't have pot bellies. Plus, for our interbred[2] American cousins, originating from the homosexual loving Mormons, Walrus don't have hooves! (Says who?) Brits used to (used to, as in no longer) own one third of the world. and if we wanted to, we could take it back.[3] (No thanks) We are more united than America (pathetic country), richer than cuba (pathetically poor country) and more populated than Canada (pathetic, poor, and depressingly empty country). RULE BRITANIA!

Unlike the lazy semen-basted American version of English, which relies more on context, thoughtfulness, and actual meaning, the far superior British version is filled with archaic variations of normal words such as "whilst" and fucking "wonky". Americans have also infected the british language in unfortunate ways. for example, many un-knowing britons say 'ass' which is American, as opposed to 'arse', which is British and sounds like a noise a sea lion makes. The british language can also e interpreted in many ways. For example, in Northern Ireland, they say 'feck' as opposed to fuck, and the scum at the bottom of society who call themselves chavs say 'fock'. Chavs are excused from this minor slip in their speech, as their literacy does not extend much further than this.

The British part of the people in Northern Ireland also have funny accents similar to a demented version of a leprachaun.

There are a few things wrong with the above sentence. Let's discuss. Aside from humor, this sentence is also lacking proper grammar in a couple of areas. First, "British people also have funny accents THAT make the[sic] sound..." should actually be "British people also have funny accents WHICH make the[sic] sound..." and so on. "Demented version" should be pluralized... that would be "demented versions". "Leprechaun" is misspelled. There is no such cereal called "lucky charm"... If you are referring to Lucky Charms, you need to add an "S", that's the squiggly letter, and capitalize the first letter of each word (to capitalize means to make bigger, basically). Also, please do not misuse the term "demented". For something or someone to be a "demented version" of something or someone else, some sort of cognitive decay, or dementia, would need to occur. This cognitive decay is found predominantly in the elderly community, and more accurately in Alzheimer's sufferers. "Demented" is not the same thing as "crazy" or "bizarre". So, in review. Less is generally more, in terms of humor (humour).

OK, discuss you said, discuss we shall. Agreed, it's a shocking sentence (see damning review of English taught in English schools below). It is just possible that anyone who knows what a Lucky Charms commercial is might raise a titter at this statement but we don't. 'THAT' refers to the previous one thing, "WHICH" is plural, spot on mate. Leprechaun is misspelled or misspelt. Demented, perhaps, is meant to refer to a poor soul who has already suffered from a very unpleasant degenerative disease leaving them unable to think or speak properly. This condition is most noticeable in British ex-English teachers who have been retrained in Polish. So the sentence should read : The British section of people in Northern Ireland(Orange people from drinking too much Tango) also have funny accents which make a sound like a demented version of the leprechaun in the Lucky Charms commercials.

Did you like what I did there? Corrected the English AND added some homouor (transatlantic spelling). I think I'm getting the hang of this.

PS If the author of that statement can't tell the difference between the British Northern Irish(orange people) and Leprechauns(green people)then I seriously recommend that he never goes there.

It is a consequence of the British education authorities' efforts to support 57 foreign languages in British schools that the inevitable has happened. English has been dropped as a formal subject which is why no one can speak or write their own language now, making such childish mistakes as confusing there, they're and their. The only people who can write and speak English correctly are: A) People aged over 70, B) Dutch and German people who have studied English As A Foreign Language (but not from American teachers)and C) English people who have studied English As A Foreign Language (but not from American teachers)

Clearly Government support of foreign languages does not extend to Welsh, Gaelic or Irish as that would break the law stating that we should beat ourselves up at every opportunity lest we offend any of the immigrant communities with our Britishness and patriotism. Patriotism was made illegal in 2008 during the Labour Government's great "leave the front door wide open and go whoring ourselves around the world while pretending we are still a world power, ignoring all problems at home and the fact that the other 5 billion people moving here all at once might cause a few issues" policy.

  • OR, HOW ABOUT; There's no such thing as the British accent. Unless you live in the UK, you probably have no idea how many variants there are, you twat. "The English accent is so handsome in a man... *blah blah talks more shit.*" Which English accent, you wouldn't want a scouse serenading you. "Chh'mon chich I'll take yus doon the poob."

Scarily, in the same way that some people might think that Europe is a country where all the people are the same, those same people think that all Briddish(sic) people speak the same. This term was popularised in Friends where Rachel asks Ross "OMG are you speaking Briddish". Briddish is a Hollywood language (see Hollywood Germans) and an irritating, stumbling, bumbling noise invented by Hugh Grant in Four Wed... err Notting H... er, well all of his films really where he teaches the whole world that Briddish men are inept bumbling ex-public school idiots who can't make a decision to save their lives and are incapable of saying to women "look, to cut a long story short, do you want a shag or what?"

In reality, there is only one English, which however is not (<--- hilarious addition by a non-English person) that spoken by English people living in England. Anything else is foreign slang e.g. Jamaican English slang, Australian English slang, Papa New Guinea English slang and lastly American English slang. English English (NOT Briddish English because Scots and Welsh are Briddish but are definitely not English, ask them) is a variety of regional accents meaning that people from Newcastle, Wolverhampton and Bristol can only communicate with subtitles.

Where Are All The Guns?[edit]

British people generally do not own guns. Strict gun laws have ensured that ordinary people must jump through hoops if they want to own a gun, thus making the UK completely safe. Criminals, pikeys, gangsters and chavs however are free to posess as many guns as they buy illegally off the black market, but most probably dont, because those sorts would never break the law, would they?

Humour[edit]

It should be noted that British humor survives solely on American stupidity, death, and the fact that all of their comedians have funny accents. Americans especially amused by British accents will find that it is just as funny to listen to a British accountant as a British comedian.

The British have also made the bashing of people from the United States a popular pastime. It started after they were beat into oblivion by an-entire-country-turned-colonial-rebel army, even though half of the country was on Britains side (but a massive French army,a Spanish army and a Dutch army did help the US). It's amazing just how badly such a strong country (which was 4 months travel away ... oops shush dont tell any one that....) got beaten by a passel of farmers, and that nowadays Britain is just a little island which even Hawaii could probably beat (but Argentina couldn't). They began to feel insecure about themselves, especially having been the leading world power at the time, and they changed their accents to what is now named British English. They also decided to attack the people who hurt their feelings. See United States of America for a good laugh." In fact, if we regard Mel Gibsons film "the prat" as historical record, which of course we do, the French were actually fighting alongside you colonial chap people folk with your pitchforks and your overly libertarian tendencies. They even gave you the Statue of lLiberty so tourists could buy cheap crappy mini replicas to take home and use as projectiles during domestic spats with their partners. The truth is British people regard the American war of treason with a mixture of disdain and confusion - afterall what sort of crackpot country actually needs the help of the French?

“We can't smile. We are British!”
~ Her Majesty on British smile

By the vile traitor, Ricky Gervais, who has been exiled from Britain for inflicting the U.S. version of "The Office" upon the world.

American-British Communication[edit]

"You may have heard a Brit talking once or twice, and mistook it for a vulture with a lung impalement or a walrus during mating season. You may find yourself at a party when a Brit enters the room - someone naively asks 'where's the pile of crumpets?' and you, embarrassingly, are the last to say 'in the pub! Pip pip cheerio and all that'.

A Brit's presence can be detected within a quarter-mile radius, and things will only get worse if one attempts to communicate with you. However, they are classed as Buck Tooth McBuck Tootherson and are thus deemed irrelevant. An American, on the other hand, has the innate ability to hide his ego presence through a mask of dry sarcasm and self-deprecation and as such can remain hidden up to as little as five feet away. Furthermore, if not sufficiently prepared, communication with a Brit (except by the French, who have an equal lack of intelligence) can lead to liquification and seepage of the brain through the ears and anus. This effect is not to be confused with the same sort of seepage that occurs daily to an "American" where a diet of fat seeps from the body of the being.

When approached by an inferior being, known as an American, you will lose in what they call "an intellectual checkmate". Given an Americans idea of intellect however, this is actually winning to you or I. The Brit will utterly thrash the American and 9 out of 10 people pass out at this point, causing more awkwardness and a possible international incident as Britain points out that the Americans would not have won the Second World War if it weren't for them with a little bit of help from Russia. See The WWII Debate with America. The American will then respond that England has no natural resources as, millions of year ago, England was dubbed "Lame Central" by the dinosaurs. Oddly enough, the only dinosaurs known to inhabit the island at the time are "Nerdasauruses", characterized largely by their great, tumor-like buck teeth. You should just smile and nod at this point. It's how most of the world deals with the Americans. However, america was filled with 30 different dinosaurs, almost all being the 50stonersaurus, and one lonesome dinosaur called the "mcclownasaurus" that supplied these with so much shit they could see their own arse.

British-American Communication[edit]

Like your vowels mispronounced? Your words spelt like they sound? (how utterly ridiculous!) And your chin(s) to dance whilst speaking? The United States of America wants you!

Since the Fox Hunting Ban which allowed the honorable gentleman to peacefully fend off Yankee TV through the polite use of guns, horses and angry dogs (Thankfully, Parliament has legalized Chav hunting, a fun method of pest control), American phrases such as "Extra Extra Extra Large" and "being popular means everything" have swept through the island. Worse hit was the Isle of Wight. The island is ripe with large, juicy fatties. Access to the island has been restricted to aid workers so that the fast spreading disease does not destroy all the tea in Britain. The French can come and go as they please as the slimey food that they eat acts as protection from Americanitis. No worries though; the extra weight of the infected will cause the island to sink from the East. Tally-ho.

Should a non Briton (there are apparently a few around) find him or herself in the vicinity of an American and a Briton there may be the perverse temptation to watch the two interact. This is a mistake. Despite what will always initially appear to be a friendly rapport between the two (Britons are stupid, Americans polite) this will invariably break down into an argument concerning the many wars Britain and America partake in together from time to time (both sides have for reasons unknown since the war of independence proven physically incapable of actually fighting one another), a discussion of the (often true) stereotypes each hold of the other or that most dreaded of topics: Z or C? There is no middle ground on this issue. All will perish. The interaction will rapidly degenerate into a conversation best described as "Idiotically schizophrenic" an admirable feat considering this event requires two people.

Actually listening will erupt either derision or depression in any neutral listener. How did this buck toothed, corn chewing ale gulper oppress and subjugate a quarter of the worlds surface and successfully hand over the reins to this chubby mildly retarded, fat food eating, flag toting xenophobe? How did my culture get bastardized by McDonalds and democracy? Best avoided.

America-Britain conflict[edit]

One of the main topics in a Brit/American argument is the revolutionary war, where America declared independence, many Americans seem to be of the belief that a tiny group of heroic freedom fighters won the war,making the American people extremely arrogant and fuelling their obsession with eating foods containing large amounts of fat. Though many Brits believe that the British forces were greatly outnumbered and undersupplied, true, to a degree, but exaggerated.

Conclusion:- The American revolution was won quite fairly by the Americans, advantage or no advantage, war is war. In the end America began its history by kicking Britain's ass with a untrained army and the French (who's great history in combat can be shown by their accomplishments in world war 2) Americans will never admit it but without the help of the French they would not have won the war of independence (just as the British will never admit that they would have lost World War 2 without the help of the Americans). The British at the same time will never admit that they lost a war that they were actually trying to win even when they had a superior army and navy. Most of the time they will try to play it off as if they had better things to do which is an excuse that they use so that they don't bust into tears when they are reminded that this was the era when their so called great empire began to decline.

General Insults: There is a large amount of conflict between the two countries, I've spent a great deal of time researching the most common stereotypes involved in insults.

The common internet using Brit is of the opinion that each and every American (Yank) is Obese, loud, inbred, overly religious, scared of exercise, selfish, lacking good taste, stupid, gullible (We voted for Bush, then Obama, then Marijuana), disloyal, triggerhappy, cowardly, self obsessed and lacking wit.

The common internet using American holds strong the belief that all British (Limeys) are upper class snobs, live on a strict diet of tea and crumpets, "bitches", homosexuals, have an outrageous accent, obnoxious, suck at wars, eccentric and "holier then thou". You better believe it.


Glad to help

Trans-American-(Only too glad to offer my assistance old bean, toodle pip) Trans-Brit-(No problem man, let's go get burgers and call varied people bitches)

Unfortunately, the Britain-USA conflict has lead to division of 'sub-humour' developing, in which nationals of the two countries bombard each other with various 'jokes' to 'humourous' 'effect'. The jokes can span a galaxy of wit, though more commonly involve dentistry or stupidity. Examples of this sub-humour can be seen above, below, and indeed including this sentence.


The WWII Debate with America[edit]

While not eating themselves to death, the American fat bastards have collected enough brain cells to argue that the reason Britain is not speaking German is because of them (The zero help in fighting the Battle of Britain was substantial). Americans are so stupid to not even understand that English is a Germanic language anyway and the English are made up of many Anglo-Saxons and the USA is speaking their language. If Britain had become allied with Germany as Hitler wanted, then the USA would be full of hillbillies with no space programe that they stole from fallen Germany, but it could be said that sounds better than how they turned out. The USA doesn't seem to realise that most British wish they had lost the war because as a result of winning it helped the USA spread its crap culture of plastic food, TV, and music which has led to white British teenagers to acting like retards by wearing gansta style rap clothes and talking as if they're from the Bronx. The TV would also be free of those irritating USA High School TV shows, where girls are supposed to be at college but act as if they have an IQ of 2 while talking in an annoying accent as if everything is a question and thinking that singing and dancing is more important than education.

The USA have forgotten that Russia was fucking owning Germany with their much superior forces(because a 1:5 kill death ratio is positivly astounding, and the Americans having preoccupied about a million Germans had absoultly nothing to do with it, infact the mere notion is positivly absurd). Average Americans find this very offensive - since Russia have more nukes than America. This is the most offensive realisation to an American - and can be compared with losing the "Who's the fattest bastard" competition that occurs in many American households.

Americans also seem to forget that it is the British that have layed the foundations for such a great Economy. It is a shame that all of this wealth has been wasted on food and an average American's favourite meal - Whale with a side order of Iraqi women and children.


The British Ten Commandments[edit]

It is a little known fact that God created an extra set of commandments, specifically for the British. They are as follows:

  1. Thou shalt not take the Lord's name in vain, instead thou shall use the phrase 'bloody hell'.
  2. Thou shalt love thy neighbo(u)r as thyself, unless he is a Frenchman, or one of those miserable German bastards.
  3. Thou shalt pass thy time by the consumption of fermented vegetable drinks at thy local public house.
  4. Thou shalt converse with thy neighbo(u)r about the weather at every passing of the sun.
  5. Thou shalt consume much beer, for it is the Lord's chosen drink.
  6. Thou shalt not push in front of thy neighbo(u)r whilst queueing.
  7. Thou shalt chant "2 world wars, 1 world cup" unto thy German neighbo(u)rs at every football match.(Engerlish-British only, those bloody Porridge Wogs, Sheep Lovers, and Mick Thikkos aven't never won nuffink).
  8. Thou shalt complain at every opportunity, and thou shalt scribe a strongly worded letter if thou deems it necessary.
  9. Thou shalt not learn the tongue of thy foreign neighbo(u)r, instead thou shalt speak unto them in thy native tongue with much gusto.
  10. Thou shalt create thy own sense of humo(u)r, and thou shalt protect it from thy American neighbours.
  11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
  12. Thou shalt not possess the ability to count, as this is what foreigners do
  13. Thou shalt not write lists that are actually funny.

See Also[edit]

References[edit]

  1. That's the correct spelling of a word those who shall not be named would rather randomly fart in a few z's here or there.
  2. That's "inbred", don't you speak English?
  3. You can have Tennessee right now.