Breast implants
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“What's is better than a blossom chest? Well, Myself.”
~ Oscar Wilde on himself
Implants are silicone-based crops grown in the aptly named Silicone Valley near Seattle, Washington. Although other crops are viable, breast implants are seen as the most treasured of the crops, as evidenced by 57% of crops in the 490,000 acre region being breast implants. Implants grow well in the region due to its Pacific climate and the Valley shape. The valley, when examined from the side, resembles a breast being pressed into the dirt. Due to this scientific fact, along with the hot and wet climate soaking this breast-like groove in the earth, implants are known to grow well in the region. The crops are taken care of by illegal Icelandic and Canadian immigrants who are too self-content to concern themselves with the crops they tend to.
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[edit] Discovery
Implants were first discovered by Albert Einstein in 1954, during one of his many forays to his favourite thinking spot in the world at the time - the valley now known as Silicone Valley. At the time, he referred to it as "E=MC Hammer" in reference to the future. By frolicking amongst the many trees, vines and stalks of implants, his scientific mind was able to deduce that these squishy yet ample substances could be implanted in various parts of the body.
[edit] Boobies for Bucks
Due to Einstein's specialty in biology, he was able to harvest the silicone-based crops in such a manner that they developed into separate species. In 1962, the quick-growing crop of breast implants was invented and was trial-tested on various famous porn stars at the time, like Timmie Jean Lindsey who must've been a porn star because she had breast implants.
[edit] The Great Depression
The elation received from having breasts saw Linda Lovelace, of Deep Throat fame, advertise Pepsi products in 1986. During a spot of exhibitionism on set, Linda set off a chemical reaction that seeped into her breasts and caused them to combust. The noxious fumes spread to all the crew, causing all of them to have throat cancer -- save Linda, who had developed throat resistance due to various resistance trainings with phallic objects.
[edit] The Big Boom
For two years, breast implants were banned by The Justice League, run under Superman and Batman. They felt incapable of battling throat cancer, and Wonder Woman was jealous that she was out-jubblied by many a woman with ill-gotten breasts. Breasts were allowed in moderation from 1988 onwards, but were not popular until Playboy brought them into Vogue (not the magazine) again in 1990 with the pair of Jenna Jameson and Pamela Anderson in the August issue. From then on, Canadians and other fellow immigrants (only the Icelandic folk) were to cultivate these great crops yet again for the benefit of all whores, insecure women and Marilyn Manson.
[edit] Telling the difference
Real ones look like part of a woman's body, whereas fake ones look like a pair of plasticene hemispheres comically stuck onto someone's chest. Cleo (or maybe Cosmo) did a test, and found that men were actually able to pick the fake ones better than women were. Makes sense, if you think about it.
