Broadway

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Broadway is the derogatory term for any road that leads to no where. It was first introduced by the viking scientist, Torvald von Hoof, in the early nineteenth century as a remedy for the universal punchline. Broadways have only recently developed the connotation modern society is most familiar with: To suck dry, all hopes and dreams of aspiring actors, children, short people, kangaroos, and kangaroo trainers.


History[edit]

Origin[edit]

von Hoof giving his wine induced Flagstaff lecture.

From the beginning of time until circa 1807 all roads were no wider than a gypsy's hand, which for the purpose of this metaphor was not wide at all. Many people believed this would always be the case until von Hoof arrived, via his viking ship/laboratory, The Scimitar. He landed in what would eventually become Flagstaff on a Thursday, but waited until the following Monday to reveal his oceanic findings. Most substantial accounts of the event were lost in the sands of time, but it is commonly accepted that von Hoof stood at the foot of Flagstaff's First National Bank of Flagstaff, and while stuttering and "probably making everything up on the spot" preached to the crowd for over seven hours.

Among other things, von Hoof's ranting contained the first known reference to a Broad Wei which naturally acquired the attention of such a "slim world." Its context in his speech is unsure, but many close to von Hoof agree that his mentioning of the phrase was an absinthe induced accident, which he had forgotten by the next morning. Regardless, word traveled fast of this new kind of "limitless road."

New York City[edit]

As with most things it did not take long for New York socialites to catch wind of this new fad in city planning and claim it as their own. In 1859 work began on the "road to end all roads", "the unsinkable road", "the Broad Way." It took just under twenty three years to complete the road which until this time was thought merely to exist in the dreams and storybooks of British kids. At the time it was the most complicated road ever made (see: Biomechanics of Broadway). It was also very wide. Roughly, one hundred and three percent larger than any previous urban road.

Naturally the road became the most trafficked street in all of the north eastern United States, catering to one hundred and three percent more traffic then any road ever had, before it. Most were content with merely walking up and down it, or perhaps visiting one of its many shops while playing hooky from work, one man felt the street had potential for much greater things. This man's name was Darvishim Hazmat.

Hazmat Era[edit]

Hazmat and his pet mustache, in a 1890 photogram.

Darvishim Hazmat had only begun to establish himself locally as an influential talent scout and soft core pornographer and felt the time was right to create the first "adult theme park" as he called it. The only problem, he did not have a road suited well enough to harbor such a "dramatic" place. On a "more humid than usual" August morn, in 1895 Hazmat proposed to then New York City mayor, Alex D. Mayor, a project that would uproot the world famous street and move it nine and a half blocks south to what would eventually become Times Square. Without hesitation D. Mayor denied Hazmat's proposal and spit in his general direction.

Halted but not beaten, Hazmat had a plan that would not only allow him to utilize the Broad Way in his park, but also really piss off the Dean. Under the cover of darkness Hazmat, and four of his buddies, non-gay, began the arduous task of breaking down, and rebuilding Broad Way at its new location. The whole ordeal took just under ninety-six minutes. In what can only be considered an imbecilic attempt to cover their tracks, Hazmat and his conspirators removed the " " from the street name. And so it became as it is known today: Broadway.

Way of Broken Dreams[edit]

Unfortunately for Hazmat, he would die shortly after completing his master plan from an unrelated gunshot wound. Despite his demise his dream would live on. Most aren't sure what, exactly, caused the lowest class of society (actors) to seek residence in the warm embrace of Broadway, but most historical scholars believe it was because of their appreciation of Hazmat's disregard for laws and safety in favor of his personal betterment. Either that or it was all the theatres and stuff.

Slowly the street developed into the place most of us are familiar with: a cesspool of free love and Bohemian tendencies. It wasn't until 1942, that laws were passed to stop the marketing of Broadway as a place where you can go and be successful, but the damage had been done. Like wildfire, word had spread of the opportunities the street held, non-gay. Perhaps because it was founded on lies, or because of a witch's curse one out of every five actors who arrived at Broadway with hopes of grandeur immediately burst into flames.