Brostamatism
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“Oh great balls of fire”
~ Golf balls on God before they knew the real God
“Fore Oh crap I just hit one of their gods”
~ Oscar Wilde on Brostamatism
Brostamatism is the religion adhered to by most golf balls in the Sahara. It was founded in 1298 AD by the prophet Tom. The main god is known under many different names, the most common one being The Køll. There are also several minor deities.
According to the teachings of Tom, all evil in this world is contained in holes, as they are the creation of The Kølls evil counterpart Hullull. Every golf ball must therefore do anything within its powers to avoid falling into holes in the ground. In this respect, a golf ball can be seen as the opposite of a human male, who considers it the ultimate goal of his life to enter a hole.
Golf balls believe they have great telekinetic powers, and that this is why they hardly ever fall into holes. Most others generally consider this a consequence of golfers' incompetence.
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[edit] Origins
Before the 13th century AD hardly any golf balls considered themselves alive. This changed rather abruptly with the coming of the first prophet, the black ball Bill. He wakened the minds of the golf balls, and in this way prepared them for the coming of the other first prophet, Tom. (Tom is, of course, the second prophet, but being the greatest golf ball ever to roam this planet, and The Kølls chosen, thinking of him as anything less than the first is considered blasphemous.)
In Brostamatist tradition Tom is said to have been abducted by a seagull one day as he was flying over the golf course at the city of Taoudenni, in what is now Mali. The gull brought him to the abode of the gods, which is situated in the attic of a small house in Stavanger, Norway. There Tom was washed and painted in the holy colour green. (This is why no golf balls are green.) He was then brought before The Køll, who declared him to be "the greenest white, and the most avid avoider of holes" among the golf balls. The Køll then gave the following speech:
- "The gods have long waited for this day. Finally we have found he who is to be our voice. We have brought you here, Harry, (at this point he was interrupted by the god of monkeyish golf balls, Hanuman, who pointed out that their guest's name was Fred) so that you may lead the golf balls to wisdom. Wisdom, and salvation."
The Køll then described, at great length, and with no small degree of detail, the great battle of gods, between himself and Hullull, and how the golf balls, utilizing the powers of Brosma, could help him in this battle.
The Køll's wife, Urahara, then proceeded to shove Tom down the ultimate hole - her navel - to show him the great and awful powers of Hullull, and prepare him for the dangers ahead. Tom was then sent back to the Sahara, where he immediately set to work trying to convert the other balls to this new way of life.
[edit] Early history
Due to his charismatic personality, and the coat of fluorescent green paint given him by the gods, Tom's message spread quickly to the other balls at the course in Taoudenni. In the very first few weeks there were some scattered attempts to suppress his teachings by some of the more powerful balls, who saw the new religion as a threat against their positions. However, they all soon disappeared into the great water hazard on hole 13, supposedly because of Tom's great telekinetic powers. Because of this the number 13 has since been considered unlucky.
With all opposition gone, Brostamatism flourished. By the end of the 14th century, balls in Taoudenni hardly remembered there had ever been a time when they had no faith. However, for the next six centuries, Brostamatism was unable to spread to places other than Taoudenni.
[edit] Later history
Brostamatism has since 1854 been spreading to other parts of the Sahara, and has now been reported to have reached the courses of Cairo, Egypt. There is also a small, but devoted, Brostamatist congregation in the Czech Republic.
[edit] Brosta
The concept of Brosta refers to the great telekinetic powers golf balls are said to possess. Although all golf balls have some innate Brostic ability, the followers of Tom have been given, by The Køll, significantly boosted powers. Practicing Brosta is the single most important aspect of Brostamatist training, as the use of Brosta is the only way a golf ball can avoid falling into holes.
[edit] The significance of holes
As the great battle of the Gods began, Hullull found he had no strong enough weapon to stand against The Køll. To remedy this he created holes - small pockets of nothingness, filled with fragments of his evil spirit. Through these he managed to spread his will into the world, and damage the twin weapons of The Køll, balls and greenness.
Holes are frequently found on golf courses, and between your ears.
