“Slaying legions of Mac-lovers, freestyle rap battles with Gates... those were the days.”
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General Gates fighting in the Browser Wars
|War began: 1994|
|War finished: ongoing|
|Place: The Interweb|
|Impacts of War: Fragmentation of the Interweb, Flamewars|
|Fighting parties of War|
Mozilla Firefox (Mercenary Force)
The Browser Wars began when an unholy alliance of Microsoft, led by Billy 'The Kid' Gates, and the inhabitants of Cornwall declared total war on the previously unchallenged Netscape. The war was fought in five brutal and bloody stages as neither side cared for the casualty rate but was trying to seize as much of the landmass of the world as possible.
The First Stage
At its beginning, the conflict was marked by a complete lack of concern for the destruction and huge civilian casualties that resulted from gargantuan battles.
The Second Stage
After the grueling conflict of the first stage both sides had almost exhausted their material resources of the opposing sides and millions lay dead, a secret, high-level meeting was organized where it was decided that the entire conflict, and thus the future of the human race, would be decided on a single freestyle rap battle.
Billy started out with a thumping bass line and threatened to start rapping. Knowing of his prowess on the mic, Netscape were ready to concede defeat as they had none who could match his lyrical flow.
All seemed lost until a familiar tune came across the arena. It was Darth Vader in a pimped-out X-Wing and his entire back catalogue of imperial rap, with Emperor Palpatine in full stride. Palpatine came out of the dark, holding a .45 Glock, and started pumping out a volley of shots at Bill Gates. But Gates, wizened by years of war, blocked all the shots with platinum coated $1000 bills, which he was going to throw out anyway. Bill and his crew retreated to Redmond, where they would conspire a new plan...
The Third Stage
Swarms, pestilences, bugs, viruses destroy millions of peoples under IE. Because of this, new factions emerge: Safari and Firefox. That's pretty much it.
The Fourth Stage
The year is 2001, and Safari and Firefox quickly set up an alliance with Netscape, hoping to bring an end to this IE Reign of Terror. Safari joined when IE launched massive planes against its Battleship base. the first shots of the Third stage were fired when Safari and Firefox quickly set up "Google" search tabs into their browser windows. IE soon launched a massive Air Strike of MSN Free Diskettes, which temporarily disabled the massive tanks set up along the western front. The NSFF alliance answered by launching an enormous ground invasion of the city of New Gates, the Microsoft capitol. The attack failed. 10 billion troops were slaughtered when MS used their secret weapon of mass destruction, a gargantuan EMP missile loaded with nuclear weapons. The resulting shockwave disabled all electronic devices not protected by Microsoft EMP Shields within a 500-mile range. The EMP shock wave fried all the soldiers' life support systems, killing them immediately. The NSFF Alliance continued their invasion attempts, but failed because of smaller, conventional EMP weapons. The end of the war seemed imminent.
The Fifth Stage
On June 6th, 2004, Microsoft alliance launched a massive amphibious assault on NSFF-occupied San Fransisco Bay. Surprised NSFF troops were quickly overrun. The day of this this attack has come to be known as "E-DAY," the turning point of the war. Microsoft soldiers began to invade the rest of NSFF-occupied California. Eventually, the 1st Division of NSFF Surrendered. This day, May 8th, 2005, is known as V1-day. Now only the 2nd division remained.
The Sixth Stage
This is the last stage of the war. On August 6th, 2005, Microsoft detonated a nuclear weapon in the heavily populated NSFF city of Houston. Three days later, they dropped an Xbox on the city of Austin, and the 2nd division of NSFF surrendered. This day, August 15th, 2005, is known as V2-day. This marked the end of the Browser Wars.
Now, citizens of the newly formed NU, or Nullified UnBrowsers, experience economical prosperity. NSFF has been banned from having a military by MS. NSFF currently has the largest non-military armed force in the Multiverse. These were the good old days...
But unfortunately, Microsoft has unleashed the Borg, asimulating all who stand in its way. Actually, no. The Borg ran away from Microsoft(How'd they get there? Gates cheated on his wife and dated the Borg Queen.) after losing millions of drones against the now immune carriers(Microsoft) of the aforementioned viruses. Yeah, they(Borg) hate em too, but that's no escuse to assimilate all of us other freaks, now is it?
First Hand accounts
Sarge "Sarge" Microsoft, Red Team, Blood Gulch
I was a Lieutenant back during the Browser Wars. In fact, I was mister Steve Balmer's personal speech writer. I wrote his keynote for the last developers conference. "Get up, get up! Developers!" Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday. We got in to creative differences over the speech. I wrote it so that he said "developers" thirty-seven times, but he only wanted to say "developers" thirty-five times. I told him it just didn't make any sense without those last two developers! That was the hook! Believe it, fritter. I was on the fast-track until that day, and everything fell apart for me after that. Balmer had me demoted, and shipped out here to this damn canyon.
Master Chief, Microsoft
Ok, so I'm out in the middle of fuck knows where, shootin' hell outta the Covenant, and Gates calls me up and says he needs me for some other war. I mean, WTF, man? I'm out here, trying to keep my ass intact, and this fuckin' corporate asshole says, "Chief, I need you for this other war I'm doin' with Netscape." And I say, "Look, you asshole! I'm fighting a war to save the fucking planet! Hell! For the entire fucking human race! And you're the one who fucking designed it! So unless you have a fucking reward for fighting 2 wars at once, you can go ask your fucking balls to fight for you!" So then he said he'd give me a vacation to Honolulu and my own personal robot sex-slave. I fucking love war. KoOkArOo
The Kook did not partake in this particular war. I was a major fighter in the Korean War whr I supported South Koreans so they could get North Korean back in dey back.
I served my part but I didn’t partake in the combat, but I do remember this blond with big old bitties. She was a fine piece-o-pork.