Bruce Campbell
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- You may have been looking for God although you probably knew that.
- Please Note: It is common practice to Hail to the Chin before reading this article.
“Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun.”
~ Bruce Campbell on himself
Demigod, demon fighter, patron demigod of B-Movies and savior of mankind, Bruce Campbell is the love child of Sam Raimi and Hattori Hanzō. Bruce Mother Fucking Campbell was born on a satellite orbiting the earth. Captain James T. Kirk delivered the new born Bruce.
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[edit] Conception and Birth
- The evils of the world were becoming too much for Jesus H. Christ and Hattori Hanzo to overcome. Even together, they could not defeat the growing darkness.
- Thus, they came up with a plan. They sought out the most powerful and righteous Japanese schoolgirl, (a young Kandreve Mitsubishi) and began a genetic engineering program.
- The resulting child had a mighty chin, so they named this newborn Bruce Campbell.
- They gave the child to a young couple of good morals so that he may be raised well and just.
[edit] Early Life
No one really knows where Bruce Campbell was born. The only comment in existence on the subject was when Mr. Campbell said, "I'm not from Texas, that's for damn sure."
Bruce was raised by his adoptive father, John Campbell, the heir to a massive soup fortune, so young Bruce was exposed to the finest education possible.
At age 2, Baby Bruce Campbell destroyed the universe, and recreated it in only a day. Where it took God a week, and God did hail to the king baby.
At the age of 4, Bruce Campbell cured all known diseases, but then brought them all back because he wanted to.
At 7 years old, he entered college. He finished within a week.
At 12, he got his first driver's license, but there was a terrible accident and he drove his car into a brick wall. It was at this age that his true powers first manifested. He was able to transform his hand into a chainsaw to cut his way out of the mangled car. Just then, an army of zombies began attacking him. With his newfound chainsaw hand, he made short work of the undead.
It was then that he realized his true purpose in life: to be the savior of all mankind. He soon mastered the ability to not only transform his hand but also various other mystical powers, including time travel, pwning, and the ever famous coming up with really kickass catch phrases that people try to get right but never get it good enough to sound like the original.
I'm pretty sure he had a brother, too.
[edit] Teenage Years to Middle Age
Learning of his true heritage, he traveled the globe to seek out answers. It was along the way that he fought the legendary eight headed crocodile/vulture/demon, TangelaKitchenTimer. After he was victorious, he found a strange, sawed-off shotgun in the viscera of the creature. Its blasts roared like thunder and defeated even the most powerful monsters in one blow, including Hitler, Communism, and George Lucas. He named this mighty weapon the Boomstick. However, only Bruce's divine power could give it the necessary unlimited ammo.
Whilst living in Austria and evading the draft in 1968, he accidentally directed the James Bond movie On His Majesty's Secret Service.
As he approached adulthood, a terrible battle against the demon king Mark Gottleib occurred. At the end of the dramatic battle, Bruce was assumed dead, but he had only lost his memory. However, luckily for him (some would argue luckily for the world), he was found by the kind soul Sam Raimi, who nursed him back to health. Together, they made a series of movies based on the vague recollections of the amnesiac Campbell.
[edit] Adulthood
Bruce slowly recovered his memory, but he still balanced fighting evil with his career as an actor. He is currently undergoing training to recover his Viking skills, as well as filming a prequel to Bubba Ho-Tep titled Bubba Nosferatu: Curse of the She-Vampires. This is scheduled for an IMAX release in 2010.
His training is guided by his father, Hattori Hanzo, and he is joined in his apprenticeship by former foe, Tim Curry.
Due to his friendship with Sam Raimi, Bruce has made numerous cameo appearances in the first three Spider-man films. He can be seen amongst the crowd in many of the New York City scenes, and he is notably famous for reprising his role as Ash Williams from The Evil Dead in Spider-Man 3's climactic final fight between Sandman, The Night Stalker, and Venom. In the scene, Spidey teamed up with Bruce in Campbell's '73 Oldsmobile armed with a chainsaw and a shotgun and defeated the trio of evil.
This cameo in the third film of Ash Williams is speculated to be in preparation for his major involvement in Spider-man 4, 5 and 8.
[edit] Hobbies
His hobbies include women of all shapes and sizes, including your mother, as well as occasionally hunting giant robots, especially giant robot Hot-Rods, for sport.
He also enjoys fighting various demons and the undead. He prefers to convert succubuses using his mighty chin, rather than killing them. The succubus/MaRonite nuns mainly reside in a convent somewhere in Ireland.
[edit] Battles With Jay Leno
It is well known that Jay Leno is Campbell's arch-rival. They have fought for years about who's chin is mightier. This fighting eventually peaked in the Chin Wars which resulted in the deaths of hundreds, including k. d. lang, Reese Witherspoon, and Peter Jennings. Leno's ego was also severely wounded and has yet to recover. Many believe it never will.
Bruce Campbell also enjoys eating vegetarians.
[edit] Powers and abilities
Bruce is renowned for his ability to fire solar laser beams of cosmic electrical energy out of his chin. His chin is also bulletproof; and can fly, severely pummel evildoers, read minds, hypnotize people, talk to animals, get a woman to take her clothes off in a second and is radioactive. This chin has been analyzed and studied by the finest scientists in the world, who have identified it as an Omega-Level Doomsday weapon capable of destroying all life on the planet. Apparently, the right side of the cleft contains the powers of positive things, like life, good, sex, chocolate and the films of Kevin Smith, while the left side of the cleft contains the power of evil, darkness, pain, vampires and Ms. Dalloway.
Bruce also once bit himself during the filming of The Evil Dead; this is what gives Bruce his magical power to emit invinciblity rays from his chin.
He is currently writing his third autobiography, entitled The Left Chin of Doom, in collaboration with Alan Moore which has gone on a temporary hiatus due to Campbell being flung into the Marvel Zombies universe because of an accident involving The Necronomicon, a Playstation 3, and a cheese burrito wrapped in aluminium foil. As of this moment, he is attemptng to kill as many super-zombies as possible while attempting to pick up as many living super-heroines so they can 'give him some sugar' after.
