Bruce Lee
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Bruce Lee, also known as Bwuce Wee or Bluce Ree, is currently the universe's most deadliest janitor with a shave. He is the inventor of the Kamehameha, which he once used to aid his solo flight around the world. The shockwave of the Kamehameha obliterated the dinosaurs, leaving their bones, which scientists today call "fossils". He had a style that includes various animal techniques, such as "Prancing Dragon", "Keyboard Cat", or "running away".
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[edit] Introduction
There was once a wise man who told of a story about a man born from the holy dragon. He said that this man would lead mankind and be an undefeated warrior. Bruce Lee is not this man. Bruce Lee killed that man. Bruce Lee is as old as the fjords and as young as a newborn lamb. He is the most powerful entity in the known and unknown parallel universe. He does not have a birth date nor a death date, because he was never born (although many claim that Jack Bauer fathered him when he was in China) and therefore never died. The man that we knew as "Little Dragon" simply chose to appear on this earth for a brief time while travelling across parallel universes balancing his time between killing villains and reading Kung-Fu bedtime stories to small children. To think that he stayed for 32 Earth-years is a truly remarkable phenomenon, one that will likely not reoccur for many years, until the Earth is nearing its end, when the Sun has ballooned to a red giant and threatening to engulf the Earth in its expanding, molten gas; then, maybe Bruce Lee, if he liked Earth enough, will simply flick a pinky and save the entire solar system.
The intermittent natural disasters, societal tragedies, and intercontinental wars, often labelled as "Acts of God", should be more accurately called "Acts of Bruce". It seems that Earth still tickles Bruce Lee's fancy once in a while and so his presence is noted in such events as hurricanes, genocides, incredible economic growth, government throw-overs, typhoons, monumental scientific discoveries, and too many others to list. In a sense, he has been labelled the "Humanoid Typhoon."
Bruce Lee created the alternate universe, comprising the persons of Thor, Baby Jesus, and the Spirit Bomb, into one being. In addition, Bruce Lee is also identical to Rock Lee and the millions of Video game characters and any other Kung-Fu master that has ever existed over the course of human history. However, this does not mean that those people do not exist. The simple fact that those beliefs still thrive today rests on the easy-going and friendly personality of Bruce Lee. His humble attitude has led him to believe that the many of the people believing this on earth are quite knowledgeable and entertaining to keep around. Their favorite past-time activities include Chinese checkers, PS2, and intense baby-making sessions with incredibly attractive females... often these three are done all at the same time.
Bruce Lee is frequently - and incorrectly - labelled as the founder of the martial art Jeet Kune Do, which was actually formulated by Bruce Li with the help of a supercomputer in 1977. But, of course, if you have read the previous paragraph, you know that Bruce Lee made everything, including the supercomputer; so there really is no point in arguing who invented this or who did that, because it was Bruce Lee, and Bruce Lee was it... period.
The only reason Bruce Lee has deprived us of his grace was due to a violent argument with his father, Daddy Lee, who promptly slapped the boy into another dimension altogether.
It is also true that Bruce Lee once screamed "Waataah" so loud that he caused brain damage to a close pedestrian.
[edit] Childhood
Bruce Lee tortured houseflies and bees as a kid. With his chopsticks, he would pull their wings off one by one as they flew, and the flies would eventually die of exhaustion because they couldn't fly. Eventually, Bruce Lee realized the cruelty of his actions by imagining himself as one of those flies and as a result he almost died. By following the Confucian teaching of "don't do anything to others what they don't want done to him", he devoted himself to a lifetime of service to justice and unbelievable sex. He also learned to appreciate the joys of smoking marijuana as taught to him by babysitter W.C. Fields.
Bruce Lee was a pineapple in his previous life. To repent for the wrong he did in his previous life, he fought every man in the solar system and lost. This is currently a hotly-debated issue in numerous academic universities and scientific laboratories worldwide. Scholars are baffled and amazed at Bruce Lee's ability to do damage even when he is trapped inside a fruit, such as a pineapple. Needless to say, the pineapple is one of his least favourite foods, due to his overconsumption of the fruit - after a lifetime of eating pineapple fruit, he went beyond insane, telekinetically ripping out opponents' skulls and drinking their spinal fluid to gain strength and momentary peace of mind.
Spongebob Squarepants has been rumoured to have started a campaign against Bruce Lee for the brutal treatment of housing (pineapples). However, it is a fact that Bruce Lee does not give a shit about a sponge in the sea, or his entourage of equally mutated creatures. If provoked, Bruce Lee could cause an underground tsunami to wipe out Bikini Bottom and effectively end the ridiculous lives of the freaks who live there.
[edit] The Legend of the so-called "Fat Kid"
Many people throughout Middle Earth, also known as runescape, Asia and Mecca believed that Bruce Lee was to be known as the little dragon. However, research from an old master who taught Bruce in his youth known as "Yip Man" or sometimes "Master Roshi" told the world the legend of how Bruce saved the world from an intergalatic threat that went by the name of "Majin Buu". As much as it seemed at the time that Bruce was winning, Majin Buu caught Bruce off guard whilst he was tending to a wounded Jackie Chan and Jet Li who had been almost completely decipated by the creature's evil attacks. Though Bruce though Buu was dead after a 21,000-hit combo from Bruce's magical pair of crystal amethyst nunchaku, Buu simply reformed his head and attacked Bruce from behind, causing a small cut that ran from approximately half a centimetre below his right eye to an inch northwest of his right nostril. One time he killed a little boy at a super market for metioning Sephiroth, police atempted to arrest him but he kicked them through the wall and they were never seen again. Before Bruce left Earth in the 70's, he flicked an old lady in the face because there was a fly on her forhead, and she, too, was never seen again.
Bruce merely ran his left thumb across the wound before licking the drop of blood on his finger to confirm he was actually bleeding (and because it is a very badass thing to do) before transforming into what Yip Man described as a Super Saiyan. Bruce's hair turned gold with rage and his eyes turned silver, causing Majin Buu's eyes to bleed. At this time, Bruce called upon his pet, a 12-mile long dragon that he trapped within seven golden balls all buried miles underneath the great wall of China. His pet appeared and stuck an amazingly golden pose behind him, thus gaining him the title "Little Dragon." Bruce muttered the first words that come to mind out of anger which happened to be "KAMEHAMEHA!" The technique he killed the dinosaurs with almost two billion years earlier.
With the legend of Bruce being known as the little dragon, his pet got no recognition for the fight. The dragon went on a mad rampage when asked what it was like to be a "Side Kick" to an immortal legend who even a 12-mile long fire-breathing dragon could not comprehend. Bruce for this reason buried it under the great wall of China were it sleeps today, going by the name of "Bitch". Techno band "The Prodigy" wrote a song about the time they saw Bruce training with the creature in Guantanamo Bay with his two Asian friends Harold and Kumar. A year later they reached number one with "Smack my Bitch Up". In Bruce's absence, Jackie Chan and Big Boss have taken it upon themselves to feed the creature, when summoned from underneath the great wall of China, Big Boss beats the dragon down with Chan's help, Big Boss then pins the creature down as Jackie force feeds the animal its greens and Asian chicks. This task has become very strenuous since Steve Irwin died feeding Bruce's manta ray.
Bruce Lee was responsible for his own Earth Mother's death. Both were out one day shopping a local RadioShack and Bruce Lee wanted the latest TV set so he could watch U.F.C. His mom told him "No" and Bruce became blood-drunk and punched his own mom attempting to upper-cut the cashier and hit her through the ceiling of the building. Her remnants were found on the moon 10 years later by NASA. At the age of 5 he was invited to his friend Wang's birthday party. Bruce bought his friend Wang a Batman action figure and hoped that he had the best gift of all of Wang's friends. Later that day Wang opened all his gift and got a Gundam Wing action figure from his other friend Chang and titled him as his "BFF" Later that day Bruce convinced Chang to go hang out at a local park the next day and Chang agreed on the play date. After that day Chang was not seen again until his remnants were found on Mars in 2007 in which NASA mistook his corpse as an Alien.
[edit] His Legendary Feats and Abilities
Bruce Lee's punches were so fast that they moved at more than ten times the speed of light and thus traveled into the future and landed on his own body moments later, after he'd stepped forward. This is what really killed him - the only thing powerful enough; his own fists. Although you must keep in mind that Bruce Lee never died, he only chose to stop his presence on earth because it became boring after a while. It has also been determined that Bruce Lee's body contained all the strength and power of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama's right arm.
Foot size varies from stabbing pin size anything up to tractor size - special expandable footwear helped him get a shoe in to the film industry.
The only way Bruce could get to sleep was to stare at himself flexing and dancing in a mirror and try and frighten himself into a faint. Mostly, though, he had to take a dump and then he fell asleep at the bathroom.
Another Shaolin technique developed by Bruce was his famous "heat endurance". Having mastered the art of walking on white-hot coals while still in the womb, Bruce used to hitch a ride on any space vehicle (Why the fuck he would actually need to hitch a ride on a space vehicle no one knows) - but on the outside. His zen mastery prevented him from burning up on reentry into the earth's atmosphere. The oxygen-free atmosphere of space was no problem for Bruce, either - he breathed no more than 10 times throughout his life, believing it to be wasteful. Again, he did not want to take away from the precious time of Chinese checkers and mildly okay sex.
Bruce had such absolutely perfect muscle control that he could shake hands with one person, while ripping off the hand of another person - not even in the same room. In addition, he is able to make any woman orgasm continuously for an indefinite amount of time just by simply touching them with one finger, at any location on their body. Such ability has led the male population to unanimously award Bruce Lee's girlfriend the Luckiest Woman in the Universe title... just imagine what he could do with his other finger... It has been boasted that he was so powerful and influential that Arnold Schwarzenegger has no problem being satisfied. Even after his physical, earthly death, it is rumored that she still has orgasms from when they first made love, and that Bruce Lee loved her so much that he gave her the ability to induce orgasm at any intensity whenever she wishes, thus she would remain loyal to him only.
Bruce Lee's sperm was so powerful that one continued to exist within the fertilized egg that became his son (don't believe me, ask your mom), swimming its way around the son's body fighting to gain control, until it exploded in rage, killing him decades later. This is what really killed Brandon Lee.
Later in his time on Earth, Bruce invented an energy drink we all know today. Powerthirst, with many delicious flavors such as fizzbitch, Manana, WAAAATAAAH, and GUN! His secret ingredient is his sperm, which causes people who drink it to have 400 babies.
[edit] Famous Power-Shows
- Doctors once enlisted Bruce's help to scare a guy out of a coma. He threatened to break the guy's arms off like bread sticks and shove them up his ass. The guy instantly regained consciousness. This is the second highest expression of kung fu power.
- There is also missing footage from Bruce's famed kung fu demonstration at Long Beach, where he compressed a Chevy with his bare hands to the size of a stock cube. He also demonstrated the famous one-inch punch. To date, scientists believe that his demonstration of the one-inch punch was so powerful that it caused a massive tsunami which killed more than 200,000 people 30 years later.
- One of Bruce's party tricks was to lift an Abrams tank by its barrel - one tank in each hand, arms extended - and then smash them together. Such force reduced the tanks to atoms, resulting in the illusion that they had disappeared.
- Bruce Lee's pride and joy was his collection of pressed wildflowers. One day, after drinking a glass of WA-TAHH, when he was in Kowloon, just inside Hong Kong, a PLA border guard flicked a cigarette that burned a daisy Bruce had his eye on. Bruce simply trembled slightly and lobotomized eight divisions of the the Red Guard through the percussive effect. He only accepted Red China's apology when Chairman Mao finally dressed up as Widow Twankey and performed a one-man pantomime of Aladdin for Bruce's pleasure.
- Bruce was recruited by NASA in the 60s after he was involved in a road rage incident, during which he kicked a fellow motorist's car into low earth orbit. NASA figured he could easily sidekick several tons of useful payload into outer space. This is how satellites, rockets, and space shuttles have been launched into outer space. The exhaust gas seen coming from the rear-end of these things are actually hot remnants of Bruce Lee's powerful kick, not the "liquid fuel" that scientists claim.
- One of Bruce's most remarkable talents was reverse eating. Biting a stick between his teeth, he would lower himself over a plate of dim sum and eat it using his anus, working the food BACKWARDS through his colon until it reached his stomach. He would then reverse digest the food through his oesophagus and regurgitate a turd.
- Another remarkable talent of his is reverse breathing. By inhaling air from his alveoli and storing it in his trachea, he can actually inhale carbon-dioxide and exhale oxygen. This power could end the greenhouse effect in three minutes. He does not use this power because the global heat helps him keep sweaty.
- Bruce once invited John Saxon to his Bel Air mansion for a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. They were amazed when Bruce led them into an enclosure filled with enraged African hippos. Bruce allowed himself to be eaten by a large male, digested and shit out, before reassembling his own DNA using chi, and then turning the hippo inside out through its own anus.
- During the fight scenes in Enter The Dragon, Bruce was actually asleep. Fred Weintraub believed actually filming while Bruce was awake could have deadly consequences for the film crew. The only time it was safe to film him was when he was slumbering.
- It is not widely known that the Cubic Zirconium was created by Bruce Lee. His intestinal fortitude was such that he literally shat diamonds. Because the GIA and other agencies couldn't explain the surplus of diamonds coming from Hollywood, they pronounced them as lab created diamonds. Little did they know his "lab" was an off green stall in the props department. Eating different foods produced different colour diamonds. Bruce created the prized Pink diamond (J-Lo and Kobe Bryant's wife wear Bruce Lee creations) by eating Mr. Chow's sweet and sour pork and then not shitting for a day. The result; five pounds of flawless pink diamonds.
- Ronald Reagan's survival of Hinckley's bullets in 1981 was widely held to be down to luck. However, it was Bruce in fact. Whilst in deep TAO meditation in Hong Kong, Bruce heard the sound of grime on Hinckley's finger scrape against the trigger; in an instant, the power of Bruce's chi gave him a full picture of the situation. Before the bullet had left the chamber, Bruce was on his way to the US - to liberate the Falkland Islands from the Argentinian occupation a year before it had even started. By the time he arrived, a bullet had already penetrated Reagan. With lightning quick reflexes Bruce used the Shaolin "operating theatre side kick" to juggle Ronald Reagan's lifeless cadaver with such skill and precision as to render the bullet non-lethal, while at the same time massaging the then-president's heart back to life. Bruce then caught Hinckley's second bullet in his sphincter, firing it into space, before returning to Hong Kong and completing his meditations. Needless to add, the naked eye is incapable of seeing Bruce at the scene as his speed was beyond the mere ken of the human mind, and also beyond the limited technology of 1980s cameras to capture.
- Bruce Lee once yawned because he was bored during battle. Jackie Chan came out.
- Bruce Lee's control of his face shots was so precise that when he hit someone there, he could control, simply by the force exerted, the color of the "flash" or the "stars" that would be seen by the person as they were being knocked cold. In the early 70s, the American Council of the Blind heard about this ability and asked him to knock out people blind from birth so that they could finally know which color was which. In 1971 he knocked out Stevie Wonder seven times over the course of a week so that he could truly know the rainbow. He later wrote the song "Joy Inside My Tears" about this experience.
- Bruce Lee had only one weakness. He had no sense of humor. For example, he just didn't 'get' "Fawlty Towers". He would watch each episode over and over again absolutely expressionless. Sometimes he would turn to a friend and say 'The tall man strikes the small man upon the head with a spoon to shame him. Why does not the small man use his agility and speed to execute the Drunken Driving Instructor Dance Kick in the way a real master of the Force would?
- Bruce Lee once broke a 12-inch thick board with a flick of a pinky. One man doubted Bruce's powers by saying that for someone with infinite power, he should be able to do more. It was then noted that the board was not made out of wood but of this man's spine and he died, painfully, by Bruce Lee, because he looked at him funny and also pissed him off.
[edit] Bruce Lee vs. the KISS Army
“So you think your Kung Fu's pretty good, huh? I want to fight your brother-- him against me. LET'S KUNG FU!!!”
~ Bruce Lee on top, making KISS his bitch.
On at least four separate occasions, Bruce (with, of course, his trusty (flying) sidekick Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has kicked the shit out of fucked up glam rockers KISS as chronicled in an ancient ballad by punk-bards Guttermouth:
ghjijstrh jfgjmfujryujtyjghjhg djhdguyhtrhrHEY-AHH!!!
The smoke is clearing, and you can seeLil wayne ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
HEY-AHH!!!
Peter and Paul Stanley
HEY-AHH!!!
Kareem and Bruce they've made a truce
HEY-AHH!!!
While Gene and Ace take PCP
Flying kick right through the air
His foot got stuck in Peter's hair
Ace and Gene took on Kareem
But slipped and fell in afro sheen
Then Bruce yelled out "O Boy"
I think he meant "La Choy"
Kareem and Bruce don't MISS
They're throwing stars at KISS!
HEY-AHH!!!
Gene now has a shorter tongue
HEY-AHH!!!
They should've used their love gun
HEY-AHH!!!
Gene and Ace escaped today
HEY-AHH!!!
They'll live to fight another day!
OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH, OOHH MY GOD,
Ancient Chinese secret sent by the BUDDHAAAAAA!!!!
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY-AHHHHHHHH!!!!
Bruce and Kareem shoot baskets for two points
HEY-AHH!!!
I ripped chuck norris's chest hair off OOOOOOOOH YAAAAAAA
No one knows, to this day, what happened to Paul Stanley and Peter Criss. Guttermouth's a fucking awesome band; albacore punk, you know how it is. Then the Great Bruce met a man named Brandon Spanier. Bruce ripped out his spine and drank anal fluids. It tasted really yummy. Brandon was a total dick cause he deserved it.
[edit] Bruce Lee's Nunchaku
Hidden in the dark labyrinth of back streets of ultra modern Hong Kong a new cult with roots deep in the Chinese tradition is thriving, namely the cult of ancestor worship. But in this case it's more like the worship of an adopted son, but also a true child of Hong Kong namely One 'Bruce Lee'- of film and Jeet Kune Do fame.
It’s the form that this new cult takes that is even more astounding. And that is around a glass cased Nunchaku (The One used on the film 'Enter the Dragon by Bruce Lee himself') it’s enshrined, surrounded by smoking joss sticks and all the mystical accoutrements of ancient Taoism.
A modest apartment has thus been converted in to a place of pilgrimage for rich and poor alike who come to pray to the departed spirit of Bruce Lee asking aid and healing and in many cases it seems having their prays answered. We tracked down the man responsible for this marvellous aberration and found our selves sitting across from a portly Chinese gent of about 60 with Gold teeth and a brush over hairstyle.
His name is Mr. Wally Tam and his story has become the stuff of legends in this little corner of the new China. Mr. Tam's family has for generations been an importer of exotic substances for the 'Yang' used in Chinese medicine and even up until the past 5 years it was a going concern with demand out striping production. Mr. Tam Says " We had it all, we lived in a huge apartment and had the best of everything".
It was early in the 1980's that Mr. Tam's Mother acquired Bruce Lee's Nunchaku in an auction as a birthday present for her son who had been a fan of Lee's since his days on the TV show 'The Green Hornet'. Mr. Tam explained "It was great! It came with an authentication certificate and an autographed photograph of Bruce himself".
But fate was not going to deal the ineffable Tam family roast plum dogs and petrified eggs forever, it seemed that the evil demon of misfortune was casting it's baleful eye's into Wally's silk, gold and leopard skin decorated world. Mr. Tam Explains " It was all a great shock, everything was great as always and then Viagra came on the market! And right at the time when the new fad of Eco-tourism was making many African governments crack down on Rhino poaching and the darn Americans getting on the Russians case about the bloody Siberian Tigers!
If that wasn't enough then came the Asian Share Market crash, after that we were finished! It was all gone a family business that had taken 3 generations to build up all gone!" Indeed hard times had befallen, the Tams, Wally's wife, a former hand model on Hong Kong television commercials divorced him and moved to Switzerland where she enrolled in a course at the Swiss Ponds Institute. Leaving Mr. Tam and his aged mother destitute living in a Cardboard Box in a lane behind “Madam Wang's carpet Warehouse” and “Lams Rickshaw Emporium”.
Mr. Tam tells, "All we had were my gold teeth and Bruce Lee's Nunchaku which the creditors overlooked not knowing to whom they had belonged to, I thought it could be useful as protection on the streets". But hard times were just starting for Wally, his mother contracted a virulent strain of SARS which tends to pop up in that part of the world ever so often. He explains," I needed to get some money for a doctor and then I remembered my gold teeth, I looked around for something to knock them out with and pulled out Bruce Lee's Nunchaku.
I drew my arm back and hit myself in the face and knocked myself unconscious with them! While I was out cold I had a vision that Bruce Lee's came to me and told me that my mother would get better. I was to make it my life's work to build and oversee a Taoist Shrine to his memory where people could come to worship the Holy Nunchaku, be healed and find guidance in the face of life's perversity". It worked and the word got around, people came to ask the intercession of the Nunchaku, they left offerings and soon we had enough money to set up this shrine!" Well Mr. Tam now looks as prosperous as ever and his mother is doing very well in an old people's home in the Philippines.
We asked him if the holy Nunchaku had manifested any interesting phenomena and he was delighted to tell us that indeed it had! "Often catlike shouts are to be heard emanating from the shrine at night and sometimes the Nunchaku click and spin spontaneously. Visitors often ask them questions and they will click answers one click for yes and two for no!" We placed our video cameras and recording devises in the shrine over night to see if we could capture anything, and we can report that there seemed to be a red glow emanating from the Nunchaku on occasions. And there were a few clicks but we did not see the Nunchaku move. We heard the sound on the tape, but also a low whispering sound can be heard when the Nunchaku seemed to glow. Bruce lee had unprotected sex with the Queen Dragon Emperor, giving him the power to kill all the people in the universe and make them orgasm and scream and cream all at once. We also asked it there was anyone we could speak to who had been healed by the Nunchaku, we were introduced to Mrs. Janice Kow who works at the Lee Shrine gift shop.
She told us that she had never been able to have children and so she prayed to the holy Nunchaku, that night Bruce Lee came to her in a dream and stuck the end of one rod of the Nunchaku into her vagina. Not too long after this she found that she was pregnant, she gave birth to a fine baby boy whom she has proudly named Bruce Lee Kow. Mrs. Kow showed us some of the merchandise covering her stall and especially some bottles containing a red-brownish substance with 'Blood of Lee' written in Chinese, she explained that sometimes the holy Nunchaku weeps this substance which pilgrims use for purification. So next time you visit Hong Kong stop by the Lee shrine and pick up a bottle, the shrine is to be found on 76a Spring Lane (up the stairs) near the fish markets Hung Chen Low. Hong Kong.
[edit] Bruce vs. Kool-Aid Man
When Bruce Lee was corrupted by the Darkness Power, he was looking for somebody evil to train into being as evil as him. He opened up "Bruce Lee's Evil Dojo of Evil", and for $599.95 a month, he could train someone to be supremely evil. When the dojo closed down because of its high price, Bruce found the one person more evil than him: the Kool-Aid Man.
[edit] Death
After killing the evil Han by making him asplode, Bob Wall snuck up behind Lee and hit him with a titanium apple, to which he responded by having a seizure. He was rushed to Queen Victoria, the infamous warlord seeking revenge for wrongs done by Lee to her family. Lee, upon kicking the seizure's ass, was told he must fight Queen Victoria or he would be killed by being forced to read the funniest joke in the world. He reluctantly agreed, fearing that Victoria would use her powers to Rickroll him before he could strike. His fears proved to be true, as Victoria summoned an army of memes to attack in her stead. Seeing that the memes were undefeatable, Lee propelled himself off of a Mudkip with a force of a a spaceship lifting off multiplied by *whatever* He charged directly to Victoria, who was desperately trying to defend herself by convincing the Buckingham Palace guards to stop acting like they were statues by making funny faces at them. Her efforts were all in vain though, as Lee was able to reach her in time to deliver a fatal Bitch slap. As he triumphantly emerged from Victoria's secret dungeon in the Eiffel Tower, Lee was hit by the wienermobile, killing him deader than Steve Irwin in a stingray tank.(this was the theory until it was stated to be much too nonsensical)
What actually happened was that Bruce got angry at himself, because he took 1/100 of a second to kill someone rather thatn 1/1000 as per usual. He then split in two and faught himself to the death.
Your mother.
[edit] See also
| BAD MOTHERFUCKERS | |
| Dirty Harry | Samuel L. Jackson | Bruce Lee | Jet Li | Ving Rhames | Teddy Roosevelt | Chow Yun-Fat |
