Brute

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A "brute" with a "hammer"

The Brute is a species of violent aliens that looks like a gorilla on steroids (no offense if you are one) found most commonly in the video game, Halo. They prefer to use giant hammers to catch their prey instead of the much more practical gun. They are the coolest thing in the universe ever conceived. They are also the strongest, best, and most handsome aliens I've ever encountered, video game or not.

Habitat and Nature[edit]

Brutes live on war-torn planets with heavier gravity than Earth's. They can survive almost anywhere, from the planet Mars to the streets of Philadelphia: if you can survive there, you can survive anywhere. Their home world is Doisac, a planet filled with war and destruction-- Not a place for a vacation, though you can some of the old war sites there. As a matter a fact, they still have battles going on, so you can at least see a show.

Brutes are extremely violent all the time unless when they are sleeping. When Brutes get really (I mean seriously) ticked off, they will go rampant, killing everything in sight like a rich Republican being forced to pay taxes. A little tip: avoid Brutes when they're angry. You won't like them when they're angry. No, seriously, you won't. They get really bitchy and start moaning and groaning about their wives or life partners or how the plumber overcharged them.

Just how cool are they?[edit]

Well, that's the sixty-four thousand dollar question. It's been estimated that Brutes, being that they're big and strong, are far cooler than anything not video-game related. Gawd they're cool! I just wanna hold one! Please, mommy?! Okay, that's enough: I'm a big, tough, eleven-year-old and I know kewl when I see it, and, baby, Brutes are kewl. Just wait till you read what I wrote about their history! It's mega awesome.

Just a head's up on the history section: It's a little complicated. Don't get lost, please. Remember to take notes and a sack lunch, because Brutes are so cool that I just kept going on and on about their history and, like... oh man. So awesome.

History[edit]

The Brutes' homeworld was always in civil war because they did not know how to get along. After the last Brute Civil War, they joined the Covenant. Unfortunately for them, they had to earn it, and started out cleaning bathrooms and scrubbing toilets. Nowadays, they just lose money at the casinos and bang hot girls off the internet.

Weapons and Ranks[edit]

Brutes use a variety of weapons including but not limited to hammers, clubs, and hammer-clubs. Their most powerful weapon is the "Gravity Hammer". The Gravity Hammer is given to only the most honorable brutes and is the most powerful hammer in the entire universe: seriously, it can do anything! It can extract broken screws, write articles about Brutes, pound nails, not pound nails... They're so awesome. Eh, brutes are okay, too.

Not to be confused with...[edit]

NO, THEY'RE NOT BABY SEALS, OKAY?!? THEY AREN'T!! BRUTES ARE MUCH LARGER AND KEWLER N' SHIT!

Do NOT confuse Brutes, the coolest thing in the universe, with dandylions. THEY AREN'T FLOWERS, OKAY?!? They're much stronger and meaner than flowers, all right? Why do I even have to explain this to you? THEY HAVE GRAVITY HAMMERS, unlike dandylions which can barely hold a regular hammer, let alone a gravity one! Jesus CHRIST!

Please don't confuse Brutes with kittens: it makes them angry, and, like previously noted, you won't like them when they're angry. When I went up to one and called it a "pretty kitty goo goo so lala cute" they totally got all up in mah grill. They were like "no, human! We're not kitties" and they just kept complaining and so forth. THEY AREN'T KITTENS, OKAY?!?!

One thing that totally bums brutes out is when you confuse them with sunny spring days. THEY AREN'T SUNNY SPRING DAYS, OKAY?!? They're WAY too fucking awesome and big and strong to be confused with those! STOP DOING IT! STOP CONFUSING THEM WITH SUNNY SPRING DAYS!! YOU'RE SO STUPID!

Let's see, what else we got... looks through notes... Did I mention how big and strong they are? I did? Okay, did I tell you not to confuse them with spring days? I did. Okay... I guess we're done here... You'll call me, won't you?

You promise?